View Full Version : Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**
Butterfly
27-12-20, 06:29 PM
I hope this is the correct forum to post this, if not then I apologise.
I don't know what to do anymore. Since around the beginning of this year, maybe even earlier, I'm feeling absolutely awful. I don't see any point in living anymore. Whatever I do, it's only connected with worry. I worry about decisions to make, about my future and about what career path to take. Right now I'm working part-time and going to school as well, I'm a trainee. The job I am learning is something I never wanted to do... I want to do something completely different but it's only connected with worry, so my mind tells me it's better to stay unhappy.
I'm so jealous of people who are worrying less and are able to do what they want. I can't even enjoy my favourite artists anymore because I start to build up such a hate and envy towards them. I want to be like them and do what they do/did and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be happy because other people ARE better, DID better and HAVE it better than me, especially those I am close to or those I look up to.
That's nonsense, obviously. Everyone's got struggles and not everything's all smiles. But I envy these people so much, I'm longing for happiness even if it would be the tiniest things.
Roughly 1 year ago I'd be like 80% okay. There were some unhappy days that mostly cluld be saved with writing, watching videos or listening to music of my fave artists. Or meeting with friends but that can't happen right now for obvious reasons aka covid.
But nowadays the things I used to LOVE are the things that bring me the most unhappiness. Listening to my favourite music? No, makes me sad. Watching videos of my faves? No, makes me envious and sad - I want to be like them and instead I'm just a pathetic person being.
Writing doesn't work out either because I can't concentrate... same in school and work as well. It's difficult to follow or keep up with conversations, my thoughts are constantly circling around other things.
I've been to therapists before and haven't made good experiences. I've also been to forums to ask for advice. No matter what I do, all the worries, anxiety, envy etc. always come back at me. I feel guilty no matter what I do. I could do the best things and still feel guilhy/unhappy because others did different and better in my opinion.
I'm really run out of ideas what to do. I can't keep going anymore, this life is such a big fight. Sorry if this is offensive to anyone, I don't mean to. xx
Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm going to add a trigger warning to your thread, not because you've done anything wrong, but you have mentioned that you don't want to live anymore and we like to give people a choice as to whether they can deal with that kind of thing which could trigger them.
You mention school, can I ask how old you are? Where are you from? Have you spoken to those around you? What about your Dr?
Welcome to the forum. there are a lot of us that are struggling. And sadly we do not have the fast solutions here. But we will listen and talk to you here. And you will be greeted with understanding and compassion.
Butterfly
27-12-20, 08:18 PM
Thank you xx
I'm 21 years old. The school I go to is for trainees so no "real" school. I'm from Germany. I've spoken to my parents before and they're showing a lot of help but obviously they're a bit helpless as well. My doctor said I should go and see a therapist, which I've done and plan to do again hopefully soon.
Thank you for welcoming me to the forum and sorry I forgot to add SH trigger warning xx
Please don't worry about the trigger warning, the team and I will always add them if we think it's needed.
What are you training to do?
How many times have you seen a therapist? From my experience it takes a proper course of sessions to work through and be helpful.
Hi hunni, and welcome. What are you training for and what is it you really want to do? Why is it associated with worry?
Has Covid had an impact on your mood? Are you able to connect with your friend regularly, even if you can’t see them face to face? Has your doctor talked to you about other treatment? Medication?
Butterfly
28-12-20, 12:12 PM
I'm training to be a legal assistant (hope that's the correct English word) but I'd much rather go into the creative side. Acting, singing, dancing, writing, etc. It IS hard to get there, I know. It's associated with worry because I fear it's too financially unstable and that I'll end up with no money, no partner, no one by my side.
Covid had a slight impact on my mood though I'm gladly able to connect with my friends via videochat or messaging them. My doctor has yet only talked about talking therapy. I thought that hypnosis might be an option as well but am not sure whether that'll work out.
Something else that constantly has me upset and thinking is the fear of being judges. Judged for everything. I suffer (though suffer is a big word, seeing that it has no impact on my life) from a condition called neurofibromatosis. It doesn't impact my decision to have kids in the future, and nothing speaks against it medically or something, but I still fear to get judged. Society is cruel and judges people for anything. I fear that people close to me and those who mean a lot to me will judge me for anything I do because of only seeing tze disease. As mentioned, it never had nor will have any impact on my life. I have some "freckles" on my skin but that's about it. It can be passed onto my kids but 1) doesn't have to happen 2) is so mild that they probably will never have an impact on their lives either.
I feel bad for worrying so much about the future. I just want to live a happy and good life like others, without worrying about anything I do. I just want to do what I want and what makes me happy.
Has anyone judged you in the past? I’ve found that most of society tries to be kind. You’ll certainly find kindness here and absolutely no judgement.
Hunni, have you thought about doing some amateur dramatics?
Neurofibromatosis doesn't sound easy to live with. What about anti-depresants? Have those been mentioned?
Hi Butterfly,
Well done for reaching out. Give therapy another go and do see your GP. What you have written about strikes a chord with me, crippling anxiety is just awful :( Trying to live when you feel so wretched is incredibly hard. You can pull through this, being honest about your feelings is the first step. You won’t be judged here.
I always like to compliment people. There are many reasons why I do that. But all of them are sincere and they are always what I truly feel or think. So if you don't mind I would like to start with that :)
Your English is so so so good. And from your posts I can tell you are a intelligent woman. In my experience the people that are in thoughts a lot tend to be that way. I think its awesome how you are working towards a goal and have dreams and hopes. Reading those even give me a good feeling.
I can relate to the fear of being judged oh so well. And lots of people here can. One thing I am trying to learn through therapy and paying attention to myself is where is it coming from? The fear of being judged? And is it a true representation or is it being filtered by me. So I only hear the bad things? I agree with you that people judge. But on one level or another we all do. And thats part of being human. But there is a difference in how and why we judge.
Like gossip. One thing I read in a paper got me thinking and I loved that idea. People seem to love to gossip. And this person said that a big reason of why we do it is to see how others react to it. If I say oh he is lazy. It could mean that people agree and that can validate me since I do not do it like him. So I am doing it right.
I am losing my train of thoughts. Sorry about that.
I did read that you are from Germany. So I would like to say that I think you should talk to your doctor about your mental health. There is a lot to gain from seeing someone about your fear of being judged. When I started therapy we discovered a lot together and now we are getting to a point where we can deal with some of my issues. I would love to see that for you as well. Because you have used the word fear a lot in your post. And that is holding you back. While you should be doing whatever you want to pursue with passion and not have fear weigh you down.
Hi Butterfly and welcome to the forum.
This is a very warm and supportive place and you will find plenty of support on here. It sounds like you are already doing well in reaching out and getting support - you should be very proud of this.
Such severe anxiety is very difficult to live with and I feel for you. Have you tried mindfulness - this has helped me hugely with my anxiety.
Take care and if you ever need to talk then this is a very safe place to do so.
Butterfly
28-12-20, 08:06 PM
I've sadly been judged for several things before, no matter how small. It's good to hear that this place offers kindness and a good place to speak about things xx
What's amateur dramatics may I ask? xx
Thank you so much for all the compliments as well. It's a cood feeling to hear compliments when getting them so rarely. I definitely have dreams and goals and am sad that my fears are holding me back because it's not been like this last year or so. I have no idea about where it comes from... I think due to bullying in the past I'm afraid of getting judged, especially by people I like or look up to. When I see my idols I'm like "I want to be like them" and think if I never get to be like them (beautiful like them or brave/strong, doing many brave things) I'll forever end up unhappy. And I fear to be hated by people. It's definitely a good idea to speak to my doctor again... surely this can't go on like tjis forever. Thank you all so much for your help and welcoming me so warmly into the forum.
Appreciating all the help so much! Anxiety and overthinking really is hard to live with and I'm longing for a more carefree and happier life. Thanks to all of you xx
It’s good to have people to look up to, that inspire us, but I believe we should always strive to be the best we can be, and not a copy of someone else :)
“Amateur dramatics is theatre performed by amateur actors and singers. Amateur theatre groups may stage plays, revues, musicals, light opera, pantomime or variety shows, and do so for the social activity as well as the artistic side. Productions may take place in venues ranging from the open air, community centres or schools to independent or major professional theatres and can be simple light entertainment or demanding drama.”
We have amateur dramatic societies in every town, village, city in the UK. Are there organisations like that near you?
You will always get a warm welcome here. We all have our own understandings....
Welcome Butterfly! Hope to hear more from you.(hi)
Butterfly
29-12-20, 08:15 PM
It's true but definitely hard. I see this seemingly good life and wish to do just what they do, follow my dreams and go for them without being stuck to being too worried about consequences. That must be beautiful.
Amateur dramatics sound amazing! We do have several theatres in the town I live, in fact I believe that many of them do offer amateur dramatics - obviously not at the moment but before covid they did.
The thing is, I always am overthinking things no matter how unrealistic they am and no matter what others say. I wish to leave my name in the world, do a book and perform on stage; it's what kept me going, it was a drive for live... to have dreams and goals that are big but make me work hard. Nowadays everything just seems hopeless. I hate my "job", my life that seems so senseless and every day is just a fight.
The only thing that keeps me going ar the moment are my parents and my pets. I can't leave them. But life is so hard. Every day is hard. I don't want to get up, or eat, or do anything because I see no sense. I worry the whole day and no matter how I turn things, I'll end up unhappy.
Thank you all for your warm welcome. Your help is so appreciated xx
I used to love being involved in Am Dram ;)
Why not make a start on writing a book?
Butterfly
29-12-20, 10:23 PM
It definitely sounds like so much fun! ��
I have given it a start several months ago and am so stuck with it at the moment. It's like my brain can't function to concentrate. My worries go from one to the next, once I'm "over" one worry, the next one immediately starts. I feel like I'll never be satisfied with myself, I'll always be the one who gives in and has nothing to be proud of. Other people manage such amazing things and are so strong and I just don't manage anything. I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to love again because of always seeing the bad things and feeling less worth, less strong, etc.
Something a lot of us do is look at other people and see the succes and how well they are doing. But a lot of the times its what they want to show to the rest. We dont see the struggles they have. Or the mental health issues they are struggling with. And there will be people that look to you and say wow she has got it made. Getting a good education and good job. She has hobbies she wants to persue.
People have told me that they think I have talent. But all I see is failure.
So I think its best to look at ourselfs and just do. There is a person I follow online and he said once. If you wait around for motivation it will not happen by magic. But if you start the motivation will grow and be there.
This is all easier said then done. But give it a go. If you want to write then go ahead and write. It does not have to be perfect the first go. Just write whats in your head.
I think you are capable of a lot.
Why do you think that you'll never manage anything?
When I was your age, I was in a job I hated. I then found a career I did enjoy but it wasn’t until my 30s that I found what I truly loved - and it was only by taking it up as a hobby and then retraining while doing my previous work that I was able to finally set up on my own. I’d wholeheartedly recommend carrying on with your current work while trying out studying or amateur dramatics, or something like that, to figure out if it’s truly right for you
Butterfly
30-12-20, 02:58 PM
@Mira: I mean it's true that no one knows whether others are truly happy behind the surface. So sorry to hear that you only see failure at yourself... everyone's got many talents and everyone's an unique person for sure.
Thank you for your words xx
I think the reason I feel like not being able to manage anything is due to years of bullying and talking myself down. I have no hope for a bright future. I see WHAT I want to do but it's only connected with worry even if I know that I'll regret not pursuing my dreams one day.
It's always so good to hear people getting where they want later in life, that makes me have some hope. But I still am so doubtful. I always keep thinking: What if I decide to do something and will regret that in the future, because it means missing out other things? xx
Why not start with something little which you can see when you've done well - maybe a jigsaw or something so you can see when you've completed it and done it well because it's definitely done itms?
Mira has made a good point about motivation follows action - however this is easier said than done especially when you are not feeling well.
Are you getting exercise at the moment?
Butterfly
30-12-20, 06:18 PM
I mean starting with something little is a good point. I like to draw so it's always a good thing to get a picture done or so. The thing is... I feel like I'm running out of time. Obviously I'm really young but I worry that at some point, I won't reach my goals any more because of having a certain age. I wish I hadn't had to think "I need to have done this or that by 25" or "I have to get a partner for life by 30" or "This and that person has done that so I'll have to do that as well, otherwise I'll end up unhappy for life"
I don't get to exercise much st the moment since Germany is in a harsh lockdown, though I usually go rollerskating every day. It definitely are small points but at least something to do xx
Something with a picture though will always be subjective - with something like a puzzle it has a start a middle and an end. A definitive finish and success... itms?
Butterfly
31-12-20, 02:49 PM
It surely would be worth a try. It's just that I feel no matter how small the success will be, it doesn't bring happiness. I'll always keep thinking that others did better and I failed, that I'll never reach anything no matter how small the goal is and that I can never life a happy life.
That's why you need to start small.
What about doing the exercise where you have to try to find 3 positives a day? It's really hard, but it really helps. Have you spoken to your Dr or a therapist at all about how you are feeling?
Butterfly
31-12-20, 06:02 PM
That sounds like a good plan, I'll try it out. As for today, the postives I found is that I spend time with my parents, my cats aren't scared because fireworks are forbidden here, and that I'm healthy.
I've spoken to my doctor before and have been to a therapist roughly a year ago. He told me that how I feel is just because "every teenager/young adult feels like that because it's in" and that I should be able to help myself since I got no major problems. Sounds cruel but happened.
Thank you all for your help though, its good to speak freely xx
That’s appalling and no therapist should do their job if they think that’s true.
I completely agree, what a horrific attitude! Please don't let that put you off though, do try again....
Butterfly
31-12-20, 10:26 PM
It definitely wasn't nice of him. I will try again though it really is hard. On the other hand, it's not a pleasant feeling either to feel like a constant failure and like I'll never be good enough or as good as others. Sometimes I wish I had someone else's life - or at least would be carefree.
I don't think there's one person on the face of the planet you feels truly carefree.
Butterfly
01-01-21, 05:52 PM
That's probably true and also something I try to tell myself. It's just hard when every day feels like such a big struggle with no outcome. I tried to follow the advice of writing down things I'm grateful for - and I am grateful for many things - but yet life seems so senseless. Why live a life that has no point at all other than unhappiness? It's just really hard to keep going at the moment. However I appreciate your help so much xx
It becomes a lot easier to see the positives the more you practice, I promise. You can start with the smallest things - I ate some good chocolate, the sun is shining etc
Exactly. You can do it, but it takes practise. Add into that mindfulness and meditation and the right kind of medication/therapy and things will get better...
Butterfly
02-01-21, 01:18 PM
Thank you so much, I'll try my best to follow this advice xx
I hope I will feel halfway decent one day. Really struggled to fall asleep last night, things seemed even more hopeless all of the sudden. I felt like I never will feel any better and really wondered whether I should just give up since it doesn't make sense at all to keep going... I'm sorry.
You don't have to apologise for not feeling great... Have you tried meditation or a bodyscan at night to help with sleeping and refocusing your thoughts?
Butterfly
02-01-21, 09:44 PM
Thank you xx I haven't tried things like that yet, it sounds like an option though! Do you get stuff like that from a doctor or from a local pharmacy? xx
Google mindfulness and you’ll find plenty of information and help in learning how to meditate - it won’t cost you anything and really helps to focus and calm the mind
This is a body scan that my husband finds really useful...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyKhfUdOEgs&t=20s
Butterfly
03-01-21, 06:48 PM
Thank you for these tips, I'll try them out for certain xx
It all seems pretty hopeless at the moment. I feel like I can't even look at other people anymore... I know this probably is not true but I want what they have. Their strength, their bravery and their life. My life will never be good by any means and even if everyone has hidden struggles, I feel like I can't go on with mine. It seems senseless and like no matter WHAT gets changed or what I do, I will be unhappy; knowing others out there surely did better. It kills me.
That's not true though. You only see one side of things - like FB or instagram posts - what it doesn't show you are the things behind it.. Let me try to explain it a different way.... If I took a picture of me now, face on with a smile.. You would see a happy, smiling person sitting on their sofa . What you wouldn't see are things like my knee brace, crutches, the amount of painkillers and other meds I've taken today. You wouldn't see my coffee table piled high with "stuff" that needs to be sorted, or my husband who's having a crappy time or my son who is struggling with an essay, but is also struggling with going back/staying at home for uni or my daughter who has severe anxiety or my other child who is struggling with their gender identity... Or the piles or washing up or washing that need doing etc...
People only present to you what they want you to see.
Butterfly
03-01-21, 11:00 PM
That's likely. I'm sorry.
Obviously anyone has struggles that no one can see on social media etc. I think it's the fact how unhappy I am with myself that makes me thinking others have a better, happier life. Nobody has a 100% happy life. It's funny because I actually know that but can't make my mind shut up about these issues. It's like my brain wants me to think about all the bad things because I don't deserve to feel good ever again.
Hunni, when was the last time you saw your doctor? Have you discussed medication?
You definitely deserve to be happy hunni...
Butterfly
04-01-21, 01:43 PM
It's been a while since I saw my doctor. I haven't discussed medication yet though I'm considering hypnosis. Has anyone made experiences with it and can recommend it or not? xx
Hunni, I’d see your doctor first just to talk over your options
....And to get a diagnosis....
Butterfly
04-01-21, 05:48 PM
I know I have to... its just scary. I'll try to get into contact again as soon as possible xx
Nothing to be scared of lovely. You won't be the first or the last time that they will have spoken to someone about them struggling with their mental health...
Butterfly
05-01-21, 12:15 AM
Definitely not. I think it's more the thought of getting judged or that my struggles/problems will be seen as too little or just something my mind makes up. Sadly have made bad experiences though I won't put bad experiences put me off seeing a therapist etc.
Or maybe it's because of being afraid that it'll stay like this forever even with help from someone.
But your struggles are real and valid and deserved to be treated as such. You deserve to get the help you need to get brighter.
Or maybe it's because of being afraid that it'll stay like this forever even with help from someone.
a) it won’t stay like this forever. I know it feels like this now but there is ALWAYS a way through
b) you obviously haven’t been able to find that way through on your own and you won’t know what will help you until you ask for that help (panda)
I know how that feels. My problems are not that huge. My mind is playing tricks. I have that as well. And then the rare day where I am fine I think to myself: see, you are ok so stop being dramatic.
So thats why I want to say that from your posts you seem like someone that can have a rich full life. But is being held back by mental health issues. Is that a small thing? No not at all. And if another doctor tells you something like that tell that person to ......... :)
I thought for years that I was ok and just had some problems. And they got worse. So I would like to say that the best time to seek help and get better is now.
Butterfly
05-01-21, 06:02 PM
Thank you all so much xx
A family friend (who's a doctor) now told me about a therapist I should contact, he's only available on Thursdays by phone to make a possible appointment for a talk, so I'll try to call him then.
I can totally relate to the mind playing tricks. Like I tell myself that no one's perfect and yet I so desperately want the life of someone else. They're famous? Cool, I want that too. They've got kids? Amazing, I want that too. They had them all natural? Cool, I want that too because so did they. They can sing?Fantastic, I want that as well. They've got a loving partner? Good, I want that too someday.
Funnily enough it's not about money for me but about... archivements I guess? Please don't think I'm weird and am trying to steal someone's life. I don't. I just want exactly what day have and exactly do what they do, otherwise I'll be very unhappy. And if it means to go through their struggles too then my mind says "So what? You're worthless anyway. You'll never be good enough."
I've got too much time on my hands as it seems. Going back to work will be even worse next week.
Thank you all SO MUCH though xx
Have you thought about actually going to see your Dr and getting help and talking through options such as medication etc
Have you ever thought about the things that you have achieved?
Butterfly
05-01-21, 08:56 PM
I did that before and he said I should speak to a therapist about it, as he isn't specified in that area
I did try to think about what I archived but there isn't really anything special or good about it I feel
Maybe it's because you don't see them as achievements? Do you play an instrument? Passed any exams in any subject? Can you touch type? How many languages do you speak? Do you enjoy doing exercise? etc
Perhaps you need to see another doctor at your practice - it’s worth asking if there’s one that specialises in mental health
Butterfly
05-01-21, 11:27 PM
Maybe. I mean I graduated from high school so that CAN be seen as an archivement... or I'm a good swimmer. There's not anything I really am proud of... I compare myself to others far too much. Which is bad and I shouldn't do it but I can't stop it. It's like I'm addicted to thesw thoughts even though I know they upset myself and that they're not good. It really is such a fight.
The therapist I'm going to contact on Thursday is specified on mental health issues though I'll try and look for more options tomorrow. I hope I can sleep well. Last night I fell asleep at like 3am or so, slept until 12pm but barely got a good sleep because I constantly woke up with intrusive thoughts.
I feel so bad for struggling and being unable to stop thinking and hating myself so much. It's probably ridiculous to wish to be someone else but my head can't stop. As said, it's like an addiction to punish myself.
Sorry for being such a burden, this help is so appreciated xx
You are in no way a burden. If anything you are a great addition to the forum. What I do see is on the one hand you are mentioning that you dont have real issues. But then tell us about your struggles that make me think you deserve help.
And things you feel proud of are hard to see for yourself. You are from Germany. No one in my family can write English the way you can. Not once have I read one of your posts and thought she is not English.
You have a sense of humor. David Hasselhof comes to mind. You are kind in thanking people who reply on your thread and you think things through. All things that are you. You as a person and not you copying other people.
I am in no way a specialist. But I do think you can use some extra help in the form of therapy to boost your self image and help you in so many other ways.
The positive things I wrote about you are so transparant after 33 posts you made here. So you are good people :) thats easy to see. And it makes me proud you are here on dwd.
I can't agree more with Mira. He's spot on. You have lots of things which I would consider something to be proud of.
Are you going to contact the therapist? A doctor?
Butterfly
06-01-21, 02:41 PM
Your words are so appreciated xx It means a lot to get those compliments. With saying "I don't have real issues" I mean that others have it far worse than me and I sometimes feel like I shouldn't complain about things... though on the other hand, everyone's allowed to struggle and feel bad.
Thank you for those words... I think confidence is a huge issue for me as well. Whilst I don't see myself as ugly or something, I probably am not seeing my worth when it comes to talent, archivements etc.
It's funny (or not actually) because I have no idea what my idols archived actually (apart from their career ofc) so obviously I can't exactly compare myself to them. Yet I find myself frantically (?) trying to be a copy-cat as if to satisfy my non-existent confidence and happiness with myself. Thinking I'm a copy of them seems like the only option to make me happy and that's pretty bad. I'd like to enjoy them freely and not think about having to do all they did to be happy.
I'm definitely going to contact the therapist. I also found plant-based medication in our local pharmacy, called Zaffranax, which helps to get a good sleep and a better mood. I'll try that out additional to seeking for a therapist.
Thank you so much as always xx (inlove)
Can I ask why you think you don't match up to anyone you compare yourself to? Where has this need come from?
Jaquaia
06-01-21, 05:04 PM
The thing is, you may think that others have it worse so you shouldn't complain, but I can guarantee that there will be people out there who have everything and are still feeling depressed. Suffering is subjective, if it matters to you and bothers you then it's an issue. Just because others may have it worse doesn't mean that your suffering doesn't count.
One thing I have learned is that I myself am the worst at anwsering if my issues are worse or less then someone elses.
We are all on our own path and its ok if we need help. And with a therapist fill in all the questions we have.
Can I ask you if you are being someone else here on this forum or is it butterfly we are hearing?
Butterfly
06-01-21, 07:12 PM
I think the reason I think I'm not as good as others is because of years of bullying. I thought that no one likes me the way I am and that all I do is wrong so I found escape in having idols. Seeing them made me think how I want to be just like them and that probably messed up with me.
I definitely am being myself though. I'm not being someone else when trying to get advice and speak to people. It's more when it comes to apprearance and actions that I want to copy idols. Example: cutting my hair to shoulder-length, or harming myself because of not being as good as them.
I definitely agree that everyone - no matter how wealthy or not - deserves help. It's just hard to realise that for myself too probably xx
I can't understand why anyone would bully you - you're lovely!
I have had that experience too. Years of being bullied. It can mess up how you see others and yourself. I still struggle with it at times.
And in copying your idols. Do you pick the things from them that you like yourself or do you pick the things that you think others will want to see?
Sorry if I am asking to many questions. If so let me know and I will tone it down.
Butterfly
06-01-21, 09:30 PM
So sorry to hear that you've mad experiences with bullying too. It's horrible and the impact is huge.
Don't worry about asking questions, I'm totally fine with that. To answer it, I copy or try to copy the things I appreciate or like about them, maybe in an attempt to be exactly like them.
I was bullied a lot because I was from another country and that was an easy thing to do i guess. But it does not matter why people are being bullied. Its bad enough that it happens.
Its a shame that your self image is causing you this much trouble. There is nothing wrong with trying to copy certain things from celebs. I remember when Friends was being aired everybody wanted the Rachel haircut :)
But if its a band aid on a wound caused by what happened to you and a low self esteem. Then it is a shame. And it will not help in the end. Its better to tend the wound underneath the patch and make sure you find your own joy. I know its there.
Butterfly
06-01-21, 10:58 PM
That's really sad! I'm really sorry you had to fo through that. It's terrible that bullying still happens at schools or workplaces, it's just such a terrible thing to experience.
It definitely isn't bad to copy certain things like hairstyles, I think many of us have been there (nod) but I think when it comes to the point where I literally want to copy every aspect is worrying me.
,Finding own joy and acceptance even if I'm not 100% doing exactly what they do - and still am able to enjoy them, what I can't do at the moment - then that'll be a step in thw right direction xx
I think what Mira is saying is completely spot on. I agree with you that copying things like hairstyles is fine, but when it's trying to copy everything that's when it's a definite problem.
What kind of hobbies do you./did you have?
Butterfly
07-01-21, 01:28 PM
It really is and whilst I've realised that myself too, it's like being addicted.
I used to love writing and music (not anymore because it makes me sad), and I love rollerskating and swimming (nod)
What kind of thing did you write?
Why did music make you sad?
Butterfly
07-01-21, 06:07 PM
I used to write fanfiction but also a novel that was non-fiction (it was based around ballroom dancing).
I think music makes me sad because it reminds me of happier times and the times where I could still enjoy listening to them.
What kind of fanfiction?
Could you try different types of music which can make new memories?
Butterfly
07-01-21, 09:55 PM
I used to write fanfics about my fave bands.
I mean I surely could try it... but probably it would end in the same circle as it now has with trying to be a copy-cat. It's a bit like getting over a break-up I feel: still in love with that thing that used to make you happy and you want it back again, but somehow you know it isn't good for you because it makes you do unhealthy things (frantically researching things to be like them) and brings unhappiness. It's a circle without an end.
I think its awesome you write. And I think its awesome you do a lot of things. I think people with low self esteem are easy to dismiss things. And dont give themselfs enough credit for things.
Thats one thing that came up in my therapy. Things we take for granted and dismiss as everyone should do that. Or we did all this but not that other thing so the day is worthless.
Could you try doing this for a day. Say to yourself hey butterfly you got out of bed. Well done. You brushed your teeth. Good for you smetterling. Dressed. Good!
It sounds silly but it can help on a number of levels. Being a bit kinder to yourself. Realising all the things you May take for granted. And maybe get some energy to do something you love.
Butterfly
07-01-21, 11:48 PM
Thank you. I mean I try to keep myself busy though it's really hard to focus when the mind is all over the place. I will try to credit myself for the small things like getting up or dressed etc. or a dentist appointment like tomorrow morning.
Finding joy in the things I used to love will probably be a long way to go... maybe one day that will happen too xx
For the time being, try and find the joy in the little things you achieve with each day you get through. Hope you get on ok at the dentist.
Hope you get on ok at the dentist lovely...
How's the being kind to you going today?
Are you having a go at the Fab 5s thread today?
Butterfly
08-01-21, 12:08 PM
I will try to hold onto little things for now, making small process. The dentist was okay gladly! I'm blessed with nice teeth haha (blush)
Being kind to myself is going okay too. Made myself a small breakfast and my mum and I might will make pizza this evening and watch a tv show.
I'll have a look at the Fab 5s thread, thank you! (nod)
Well done lovely! How's your mood?
Making Pizza with your Mum sounds fun!
Butterfly
08-01-21, 04:55 PM
Mood was okay during the day but in the evenings is usually worse. Find myself constantly thinking and looking at social media... the usual stuff and struggles.
Pizza is indeed lovely though (inlove)
Can you try to limit the time you are spending on social media?
Butterfly
08-01-21, 05:54 PM
It's probably for the best to come off it for a while. I really wonder what's wrong with me. Years ago I wouldn't have cared a single bit to copy others and would've still liked them even if I can't be a full 100% copy in terms of behaviour, features etc. Now my mind is all over the place.
Will try and stop going on social media for a while.
Did you contact that therapist you were suggested to?
Butterfly
08-01-21, 07:27 PM
He's closed, opening again on Monday. I found someone else as well that allows people to contact by email too so I'll try that one as well xx
Do see if you can chat to both of them to see who you get on better with.
Hunni, you’re resisting seeing your doctor and I’m wondering why.....
Butterfly
09-01-21, 02:05 PM
Wrote to him now xx
As for my doctor, I did speak to him a whila ago but he said since he's not a specialist, he can only recommend me some therapists nearby and recommend some plant-based meds to make sleeping easier and make me relaxed. That's the meds I'm taking now (Zaffranax). Sadly he can't help much more sadly. Hoping to have made a step in the right direction now xx
So who can provide things like anti depressants (if appropriate)?
Butterfly
09-01-21, 02:14 PM
I must admit I didn't ask him for antidepressants because of not wanting to take meds immediately. It's not always the case that your normal doctor provides these things, it often is provided by specialist. The doctor I am at is a doctor who cares for you if you got a cold or are physically ill, not physically. Hence why he recommended different therapists
OK, here your Dr is a general practitioner who you can see first and who then refers you to therapy or secondary services...
Butterfly
09-01-21, 05:11 PM
Ah I see! Here (at least as far as I'm informed by experiences) the doctor CAN listen to your struggles but can't help at all except for letting you know which therapists to visit.
It's a bit complicated. I think the only thing he could do would be to sign me off school/work but I don't want to take that step at all... sorry for bothering so much xx
Are there specialists other than therapists he could refer you to?
Why don't you want to be signed off school?
Butterfly
09-01-21, 08:28 PM
I mean I COULD ask him if he knows more specialists though he probably would say the same he'd said before xx
I don't necessarily want to be signed off school or work since it always means missing things and I'm scared my boss might will find out about the struggles or will fire me due to being off work. The good thing is that we'll have online school this month... sadly as for work, my boss doesn't offer us to work from home even if things are pretty scary right now with the virus.
Sweetheart what are you doing at school?
Butterfly
09-01-21, 11:52 PM
I'm training to be a legal assistant (working in an office, which I absolutely HATE) and I'm in my 2nd year of being a trainee xx Having school 2 days a week and am working on the other 3 days
Ah yes, sorry I do remember you saying. Are you working in a legal office?
Butterfly
10-01-21, 02:17 PM
Exactly xx I mean... it's nothing BAD, but I never wanted to work in a office. Of course it's not always possible to freely go for what you want but it's definitely not helping things either
So, you're in a legal office atm and you're training to be a legal assistant, but you hate it? Why are you doing it? What about looking around for something different that you might enjoy?
Butterfly
10-01-21, 03:31 PM
Well training to be a legal assistant automatically means yku have to work in a lega office too as it's part of the education. After high school I didn't fully knew what to do yet so was forced to do some sort of training and after many many applications to all sorts of areas this is where I ended up. I think I'm not looking for something else because I fear to start over again... it's difficult to say what I might would enjoy. I'd love to go into theatre etc. which is really hard. I'm just not an office person in general. Could look out for other options but it's always scary to start something new xx
It is always scary, but if you hate what you are doing then surely it's at least worth looking around to see what there is?
Yes its always scary. But there is no time like the present.
I know that in the technical field they are screaming for people. There are other fields that are looking for people as well. No pressure. Just browse around a bit. Talk to other people and see what they do or like. You are still young. And its not like 50 years ago. Here they say a lifetime of learning.
My daughter went into the beauty industry when she left college and thought she’d love it. She didn’t and it ended up making her ill with stress, to the point when she had to leave without another job to go to. She ‘fell’ into her current job just to pay the bills. It’s completely different (sales) and she loves it, she’s really happy there and can’t imagine doing anything else. She also happened to meet her partner there :). Sometimes, we have to take a bit of a leap to find what we’re supposed to be doing
I actually trained and fully qualified as a primary school teacher, but I only ever worked with secondary age students with various special needs. Then for various reasons I ended up leaving that job and I ended up starting a forum for those for depression ;)
Butterfly
10-01-21, 07:11 PM
That gives me hope, thank you xx I used to say "I'll fight through the last year and then search for something else." which doesn't make much sense. It's just a difficult decision to find something that is enjoyable, job-wise I mean. I will try and keep my eyes open though! Thank you xx
On a more positive note, I contacted both therapists now (via email) and hopefully will receive a response very soon. (handshake)
Had a good day yesterday actually! Today's a bit harder, too many bad and intrusive thoughts regarding the usual problems, anxiety and stuff. Am trying to not go on social media or Internet too much, apart from this forum (which truly is a lifesaver) or messaging friends xx
Thanks to you all for the encouragement xx
Well done for contacting those therapists lovely, that's a huge positive.
Don't beat yourself up for having a difficult day, that happens for everyone.
You've got this love.
Just to add to Suzi's point I too trained as a teacher - Secondary Maths and I hated it and was completely unsuited to it.
I now work in an entirely different sector from education and enjoy it. Many of us struggle to find our niche in the world.
Butterfly
11-01-21, 01:08 PM
Those are really encouraging stories and so appreciated xx It's definitely not easy to find a work That's suitable and enjoyable.
On a positive note again, I've now got an appointment with a therapist on 28. January so that should keep me going for now. Things can hopefully get better as time goes by xx
Brilliant, well done, love
That's great news! Well done lovely!
Butterfly
11-01-21, 05:02 PM
Thank you xx I was a bit nervous because he called me back but he was lovely... want to write some stuff down because it makes me calmer to have things written down.
Thanks for the encouragement so far xx
Definitely write things out or print out your posts from here too? Bullet point lists are also brilliant. You can then email them to the therapist before you go if you want/need to...
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 05:57 PM
So pleased you have an appointment. That's a huge positive
Butterfly
11-01-21, 08:57 PM
Thank you all xx
I earlier wrote some things down, will definitely be taking along the list xx
Day was okay today. It always gets bad in the evenings but I try and keep telling myself that this was a step in the right direction and that talking will help!
That's brilliant Oh hunni, hope tonight isn't too bad...
I know what you mean. For me the evenings and nights are also worse. But you can tell your self you did well because you did. From the way you post you come across as a person that is trying and wants to be positive. You are doing awesome.
Butterfly
12-01-21, 06:49 AM
Thank you xx
Agree that evenings/nights can be horrible when struggling with thoughts. Sometimes also mornings when I wake up from a nice dream or a decent sleep and then have the thoughts hitting me. Slept okay though. Struggling a bit right now but hopefully it'll get better during the day.
Appreciate your words as usual (blush) and hope you all are doing okay too!
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 07:59 AM
You are early on the go. Glad you slept ok. Hope today picks up for you.
Morning lovely, hope today is a good one. Did you say when you were going to see your therapist?
Butterfly
12-01-21, 03:45 PM
I'm going to see him on the 28th of January so in roughly two weeks :)
That’s great. Would it help to keep a mood diary between now and then? It might give the therapist a better insight into what’s going on
Butterfly
12-01-21, 03:57 PM
That's actually a great idea! Haven't thought about that yet... thank you! (inlove) I think writing it all down helps to let the therapist know exact things rather than speaking about it without any notes xx
Just a smiley face or a bullet point list would help...
Butterfly
12-01-21, 07:21 PM
What do you mean by "a smiley face" if I may ask? xx
Started with the bullet point list now too
Just like a face with a smile, or a sad face or similar?
Like, I’ve had a crappy day but can’t put it into words - so a sad face itms
Butterfly
13-01-21, 12:39 PM
Ah I think I understood now, sorry sometimes I don't understand English fully yet xx Thank you all for explaining!
Your understanding of English is incredible - I’m really impressed
Well I think your English is on par with english people. What writting is conserned. I can only give you huge compliments for that. And a (blush)
Butterfly
13-01-21, 05:43 PM
Thank you all so much, I feel honoured (blush)
Butterfly
13-01-21, 07:10 PM
Not so well. Had a dream last night and it made me feel all warm and fizzy because in that dream I felt so happy, enjoyed my fave things and had fun with family and friends without any bad emotions. Woke up and realised its been a dream and a world that seems so far away now xx
Sorry to hear that lovely. I had the opposite - a night of not being able to sleep and then horrible dreams.. (panda) Can you do something to be kind to you today?
Butterfly
14-01-21, 06:17 AM
So sorry to hear you've had a rough night, Suzi. I hope you had a good sleep this night (panda)
I watched some cartoons yesterday evening to distract myself but ended up crying before I went to bed :(
Aww lovely, I'm sorry you had a rough night... Can you do something to help brighten your day today?
Butterfly
14-01-21, 12:07 PM
Going to have takeaway for lunch later so that's a small thing to brighten the day xx
OO yum! What are you going to have?
Butterfly
14-01-21, 03:15 PM
Will get little spring rolls with some noodles :)
Butterfly
14-01-21, 06:16 PM
Thank you all, I definitely enjoyed the dinner :)
Glad you enjoyed your lovely takeaway :)
Has your day improved at all?
Butterfly
15-01-21, 03:06 PM
My day yesterday as well as today was okay overall. Not as dark as last week but things still are pretty shaky. Am glad that it's the weekend now xx
Hooray for the weekend! Have you joined in with the fab 5s thread?
Pleased you're feeling a bit perkier!(clap)
Butterfly
15-01-21, 06:47 PM
Thank you all (panda)
Just been doing the Fab5 as well!
Well done lovely!
What plans do you have for the weekend?
Butterfly
15-01-21, 10:33 PM
I think I will try and go for a walk or maybe rollerskating if I feel up to do so. It's weird because the past few days I felt okay - but always like being on the edge to fall back into darkness. It's a very weird feeling
It will be weird, and that’ll take a bit of getting used to, but it’s wonderful you’re starting to feel better :)
Rollerskating? That sounds AWESOME fun!
Butterfly
16-01-21, 11:36 AM
It is! I discovered it last summer and it's so much better than with a bicycle to me... (nod)
Had a good sleep today too but am having a weird morning so far. Am feeling a bit on the edge, like having some happiness in me but feeling like it'll disappear and take a turn to worse again :/
I know it's hard and it's scary but you can do this. Try to hold onto the positives lovely..
Butterfly
16-01-21, 05:43 PM
Didn't managed to go rollerskating in the end, but got out for a bit to get to the grocery store at least. Today feels a bit worse than the past few days so I'll just try and relax, clear my mind a bit and yeah :/
What's it like where you are for lockdowns?
You may have already answered this but do you do any meditation?
Butterfly
17-01-21, 11:22 AM
At my area, you aren't allowed after 8pm until 6am and basically nothing's open except for grocery stores, pharmacies and the doctors obviously
I do meditation more or less, I've been listening to some calming sounds on YouTube. Especially liking the sound of the beach xx
Bit of a hard day today. Missing "old life" a lot and simply am longing to feel like 2 years or so ago.
The beach is a great place to go to unwind. I have the north sea about 20 min away from me and its always nice to go there. I do hope you will have a good day none the less. And that you will smile today.
I know what you mean about missing your old life. It’s taken me a long period of adjustment to get to the point where I can accept my new life with ill health but also celebrate all the positives that have come as a result of these changes in my life. I’ve been around for my kids in a way I never would have been before, I’ve learnt that I don’t have to do everything myself and can rely on other people in my life, I’m calmer, less abrasive, less argumentative and more empathetic, and I’ve re-found my faith. It doesn’t all have to be painful, love
I also totally understand what you mean about your old life. I miss mine, but like Paula I've tried to see the positives in the changes in my circumstances. I actually think I'm a much better person for living through all the experiences I have. I'm so much less judgemental, I'm more patient, I'm able to help my children much better esp with mental health issues. I'm able to help my sis by calling my Mum every day during the week, I too have re found my faith too. I'm in a place I didn't think I'd ever be in, but actually on the whole I'm happier...
Butterfly
17-01-21, 06:15 PM
The beach definitely is lovely! I wish I'd live close by!
Definitely agree that it takes time to adjust to the "new" life and missing how life was before mental health hit hard. I'm glad you've got to find the positive aspects and outcomes in it too, right now I still struggle to find anything good in life. Obviously I've got my family and pets, a house and not a bad life in general... but my mental health ruins so many things. No pleasure in anything I used to love, no joy anymore.
I'm glad that you (Paula & Suzi) have found good aspects as well and that you feel happier overall, that's a huge positive! xx
Hopibg to have a relaxed Sunday evening now and not have too many bad emotions again (panda)
Those sound like pretty good things to have in your life! Could you be looking for the "big" things when actually finding joy can be in the small things too - a nice cup of tea or a tasty meal, or a favourite movie........ There are so many things, but you have to work hard in the beginning to find them. It does get easier the more you practise.
Also, hunni, I’ve been battling my MH for 31 years, it takes practice - I was just trying to say that it is possible to see your life differently and to give you hope that you may be able to get there in time
Butterfly
17-01-21, 08:50 PM
I mean I do find joy in small things, like a nice meal or the snow makes me happy. But a different sort of happy. It makes me think "That's lovely" but doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy like things used to do. And that really saddens me deeply.
@Paula: so sorry you've been battling with your MH so long and I hope you're feeling at least mildly better now! (panda)
It definitely is a long road to take and with the therapist meeting ahead I hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy things again and be happy.
Felt okay during the week but today's been quite hard again. Went on YouTube and saw some videos of my fave band and I immediately had bad thoughts again and got upset :(
Are you keeping a mood diary?
Butterfly
18-01-21, 10:24 AM
Yes I started one around last week (nod)
Well done! I know it's hard to keep up with, but definitely do!
What's on your agenda today?
Butterfly
18-01-21, 12:58 PM
Currently at lunch break :) Have definitely been better last week but I do my best to focus on what's ahead and that things will hopefully get better mentally. Hope you're doing good xx
Hope you had a good lunch break! Are you at college or work today? Can you build in little treats for yourself each day? Maybe 5 minutes just sitting with a hot chocolate drink or watching an episode of your favourite tv show or listening to a favourite piece of music? Maybe you could use them as rewards for getting through the day?
Butterfly
18-01-21, 05:38 PM
Thank you :) Today I was at work. I do try to find some nice little treats during the day but it gets harder each day as all that once was a treat to me (fav tv show, music etc. like you've said) makes me unhappier instead of causing pleasure. It's really hard.
Well I never say something I don't mean.
Its a treat for all of us when you post here.
And don't beat yourself up if you do not find your "treats" right away. You will find new ones. And in time you might like the old ones again too.
Have you tried different things to see if that helps? Photography? Calligraphy? Knitting? Crochet? Scrapbooking? Cooking? Etc...
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 08:24 PM
I love funny YouTube videos as a treat.
Butterfly
19-01-21, 09:24 AM
Thank you all (panda)
It's definitely not easy to find new things when the things I loved to do are now those who bring unhappiness. However I still like to play video games or to paint... photography also seems like a good idea xx
Funny videos are also always nice (nod)
Morning lovely, how are you today?
Butterfly
19-01-21, 02:53 PM
Not so well sadly. I feel really upset today
Why? Is there a trigger for it?
Butterfly
19-01-21, 03:27 PM
There hasn't been a trigger, sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. I feel so low and sad, I wish to get my mind off things but can't even focus on something like taking a nice bath or something like that. I feel sort of... heartbroken, like going through a break-up where you miss your other half. With the difference that I'm not going through a break-up. Its difficult to explain actually, it's like desperately wanting to catch a glimpse of the sun but constantly being behind clouds
What Suzi said below is way better.
There hasn't been a trigger, sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. I feel so low and sad, I wish to get my mind off things but can't even focus on something like taking a nice bath or something like that. I feel sort of... heartbroken, like going through a break-up where you miss your other half. With the difference that I'm not going through a break-up. Its difficult to explain actually, it's like desperately wanting to catch a glimpse of the sun but constantly being behind clouds
But it IS just like that. Going from what you thought you had (with good mental health) to where you are now (with mental ill health). There are differences, things that are easier/harder/better/worse etc but maybe you could try to allow yourself to grieve the life you had planned/imagined and allow yourself space and acceptance that things are different, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy in the future....
Butterfly
19-01-21, 04:07 PM
I mean it's not like I think there'll never be any good things in life again. But you said it correctly, I AM grieving my old life. It probably will never be the same again but I'm longing to have at least the small things of the "old life" back. It is upsetting to sort of loose this all. One day there surely will be happy moments again but right now it all feels so dark
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 04:29 PM
Grieve away for your old life, it's natural, but hold onto that belief that things can be good again, you know what, they can even be better because you will be changed by your experience in a positive way too. So long as you can hold on to the fact that the sun is still shining behind the clouds, in time your clouds will start to thin and you will see breaks in them and the sun will shine full on your face again
SM is right. Things may feel dark right now, but things will get better and brighter love. You can get through this.
You will get some of the ‘old life’ back, it’ll take time and effort but you will get there. But it’s absolutely ok to grieve and it’s ok to shout and scream, if that helps.
Butterfly
19-01-21, 09:56 PM
This means so much (panda)
Some days are just harder than others and some are like a Rollercoaster. I feel okay one minute and than really sad the next. Just doing my best to tell myself that it can and will get better again one day and that the therapist I'm seeing will be able to help too.
Hope you all are well and safe (panda)
My psychiatrist did once point out to me that life without MH illness is like that too - a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s just we start at a lower point itms
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 10:43 PM
That's what dwd is good at
Reminding you on the bad days that not every day will be like that. That the sun is still there even when you can't see it. We are here to do that for you because others have done it for us, and you will be able to do it for others someday because you will know it's true....you will see the sun again.
Thing is, life is like that for everyone - mh illness or not. No two days are the same emotionally, it's just that the highs and the lows and the speed of change is more noticeable and may be more extreme with mental ill health...
Butterfly
20-01-21, 12:49 PM
That's probably true. Everyone has hard days. It's just so difficult to see any light sometimes. Appreaciate it how supportive you all are though, it means so much xx Talking does help for certain, it doesn't make the problems go away but it's good to know that you're not alone xx
That's it exactly.... It's nice to have someone else who "gets it" itms?
Butterfly
20-01-21, 06:24 PM
Yeah that's true, it definitely helps (panda)
It's just all so difficult sometimes that I get overwhelmed
How was the rest of your day?
Butterfly
20-01-21, 09:37 PM
It's been okay. Did snuggle with my cat and watched a bit tv and then got my stuff for tomorrow ready. College tomorrow xx
Morning lovely. Glad that yesterday was OK. Hope college is going well today.
Butterfly
21-01-21, 02:41 PM
Not a great day so far. Feeling really low today and just missing things really bad. The past few days my mood has been going lower than it was last week and whilst I hoped that maybe things got a bit better after a less good 2020, I feel like this year already has taken such a big toll :(
Strugglingmum
21-01-21, 03:01 PM
So today you just take it moment by moment. Breathe deeply, try some relaxation or meditation. Find something funny to watch to make you laugh. Hug something. Eat something you love. Find the little things and allow yourself to be in the moment.
Oh sweetheart! Can you divide today up and give yourself rewards for each bit you do?
Butterfly
21-01-21, 04:27 PM
I will try xx Will look for something nice to watch later on. I stumbled across some of my fan merchandise (that I keep in my room in a box) and got really upset about that as well because it reminded me of the good times like 1-1,5 years ago were this was what made me go through the day as well. Now I feel like I'm just living because I couldn't ever leave my parents and make them unhappy forever
Sweetie, I know you’re going to see your therapist but I have to ask, would you consider talking to your doctor, and maybe thinking about medication? Sometimes, it’s worth taking the meds while you’re having therapy to give yourself a bit of support - therapy can be difficult....
I completely agree with Paula. It sounds like you're really struggling atm....
Butterfly
21-01-21, 08:49 PM
I definitely am struggling...
About the medication, I'm definitely a bit scared about that aspect. I know it does help but I'm scared of taking it actually... to become "addicted" to it, if you know what I mean? I will have a think about it though xx
How is your relationship with your parents? If you have a good relationship I am sure that you can not make them unhappy.
And with meds. I noticed that the ones I take give me a headache if I forget them. But they told me that if I am to stop with them we will do so in a good fashion and there is nothing to worry about.
I am also thinking you have troubles with triggers around you. Things that make you think about your past. And this is in no way a solution but it might help a little. Could you give your room a bit of a make over? Make sure its your safe spot. With as little triggers as possible? Remember that you can make new connection with other hobbies etc. You found this place :)
ADs are not addictive, lovely. When the time comes to stop taking them, there can be some symptoms (headache, nausea etc) but your doctor can help you set up a schedule to slowly reduce them to minimise this. But they are not addictive in the same way as alcohol, cigarettes etc. I know there’s a lot out there against taking them, but I can assure you they can be life changing, in a very, very good way
My husband's life was completely changed with medication - after his first breakdown it was with one kind of medication - then more recently with a different one. It can take a little trial and error to find the right one at the right dose to suit you, and they take between 4 and 8 weeks to get into your system at the therapeutic level, but without them things would be very, very different not only for my husband and in turn myself and my children, but for lots of my friends.
It has to be your decision with your Dr though, but just don't rule them out completely would be my advice..
Butterfly
22-01-21, 10:24 AM
My relationship with my parents is amazing, I doubt they would ever judge me for anything. The thing is, I find it so hard to keep going at the moment and I know it must upset them too... which isn't what I want. Seeing them upset is horrible.
I'm glad you all have mostly good experiences with meds so far. They surely can help a lot and I wouldn't necessarily rule them out completely. I think I'll just give the therapy session next week a go akd have a think about meds too. Do you think I could ask the therapist for advice on it too just to get some more opinions? xx
Of course you can! It just seems that you're really struggling atm which is only going to make everyday life and therapy harder... Just my point of view though...
Hunni, of course you don't want to see them upset, but they are your parents and speaking as a parent I can tell you that they'll know there is something wrong, so talking to them is better than them thinking something worse or different is up. Parents worry, it's one of our many superpowers...
Butterfly
22-01-21, 09:04 PM
I definitely am...
My parents do know about the struggles and they're fully supportive of me going to therapy. They don't kniw what to do either anymore, my mum says she's so worried about me and it hurts to know that they worry so much
Talk to your Dr/Therapist about meds love, at least see what they think. It might just help love.
Strugglingmum
22-01-21, 10:20 PM
Us mums worry....its what we do. Just keep talking to her as much as you can about things. It will help you both. (bear)
Before I told my mother I was so convinced it would break her to hear how I was doing. Like SM said. Mums worry. And so did mine. She still does. But she is also glad that I feel at ease enough to talk to her about it. That way she does not feel left out.
With a relationship like yours and your parents. You are the most precious they have in there life. So how could they not worry.
Tbh I worry at times when I read the posts here on this forum. But you have them in your corner.
(panda)
Morning hunni, how are you doing?
Butterfly
23-01-21, 12:14 PM
She is glad that I'm talking to her (and my dad occasionally) but she's definitely worried - which is normal. It's good to know that they're all therw for me though I wish I sometimes could be happier around them too
And I'm doing okay. Had a little cry yesterday evening and dreamt confusing things BUT I slept okay actually (panda)
Strugglingmum
23-01-21, 02:03 PM
A good sleep is a great start to the day
Glad you slept well. Do you want to talk about your dreams?
Butterfly
23-01-21, 06:08 PM
I sort of dreamt about reading/seeing things and persons and when I woke up I wasn't sure whether I'd actually seen them. You know this feeling when you're not sure if it was reality or not? It sort of felt like that
It wasn't anything bad just really confusing
I do understand I think.. I've had similar dreams and they leave you feeling really unsettled all day... Are you able to do something nice for you today?
Butterfly
23-01-21, 08:49 PM
It really leaves a weird feeling all day!
And I'm not sure... I think I'll just watch some tv and just lay down. Not feeling motivated to do much more now (snooze)
Strugglingmum
23-01-21, 08:56 PM
That's ok. Nice easy evening. Watch something you love. Xx
How are you this morning?
Butterfly
24-01-21, 12:46 PM
I'm halfway okay, had a good sleep as well. Not really wanting the new week to start but got my appointment next week so am a bit nervous about that as well xx
Strugglingmum
24-01-21, 12:48 PM
I'm glad you had a good sleep. Its natural to be anxious about your appointment but it's great that you have one. Are you doing anything nice today??
Sleep really helps (so I’ve discovered today, lol)
Butterfly
24-01-21, 04:29 PM
Aleep is lovely. I didn't get to do much today again... just feeling so low again. I just wish I could stoo thinking for a moment, just enjoy things again like it used to be. Instead I feel such a heartbreak... it really sucks. Nothing causes pleasure anymore and i just want to cry because it makes me so angry. Why can't my mind be quiet for a day or so? I WISH I could find distraction and pleasure in anything but nothing works.
Please don’t rule out medication. Depression and anxiety are illnesses that often need medication, just like diabetes does. As others have said, medication can be life changing (and have been for many on the forum) I hope you get on well with your therapy ��
Hunni, why not try doing something different which isn't something you used to do. You seem very fixated on the past and what things were like before you became ill, that's never going to allow you to move forward at all....
Butterfly
24-01-21, 09:01 PM
I'm not ruling it out anymore I think. Maybe it really is for the better. I feel like it's getting out of control and that it's getting worse each day... I'll definitely speak to the therapist about it too and then will ask my doctor what he thinks. I just want to feel at least halfway okay again
I mean I COULD try and find something new. The thing is... I'm missing the nusic, the shows, the artists I used to enjoy before getting ill and that's just upsetting. I feel like no matter what, in the end things I like will end up making me upset again... so it makes no sense to search for something new :=
They won’t, love, it’s not the things you like that are upsetting you, it’s the illness. Once you start recovering from the illness, you’ll start recovering your joy for life
Sweetheart you aren't alone in missing music, shows, theatre etc - but there are so many other things you could do - I crochet, Paula has just taken up Knitting, Jaq knits, StrugglingMum crochets and knits, as does Magie (who does so many crafts all amazingly), Angie makes beaded jewellery and works with resin, Mike has an amazing garden and likes to play computer games, Stella has the most amazing knowledge of Michael Jackson and is a huge music fan! These are just a few of the things that we all do. It might be worth trying something?
Butterfly
24-01-21, 09:47 PM
I hope so... it's so hard to go through the day when all seems so dark.
I'm not really good at knitting but maybe crafting is a good idea? Earlier that year I did some rock-painting... that was lovely. It's amazing how many of you got such great talents at knitting, crafting etc (panda)
Video games are also lots of fun... I used to play a lot of Animal Crossing xx
Music had been my passion pre-illness. I was really passionate about 90s music. Unfortunately that's faded away and one of the many things I miss right now as it was a big source of happiness (panda)
Those things happen. Its sad. Because of my mental health issues I have stopped so many things. I dont even watch a lot of tv anymore. I dont watch sports. And a lot of my hobbies I dont do anymore. I tend to game a lot.
But its true. There are so many things that might be worth trying. I used to google and find interesting things that way. There are also good websites that can help with so many things. I did take a few language lessons online with a teacher or watch online lessons.
Like Suzi said, its the ilness doing this to you. When you will feel a bit better, it might come back. Or maybe not and you will stay with something new. Its all ok. Because you are ok! (bear)
Butterfly
25-01-21, 08:07 AM
It's the same here. Many of my past interests and hobbies have just been put aside and I'd love to take up on them again. It's really sad.
Glad you've found some nice new things and language lessons sounds amazing!
I hope it'll come back because honestly... I do miss it. It's okay to find new things but I really miss the old things too, they've given me so much xx
Rock painting is cool... Round here there is a thing where you paint a rock, put on it where you are from and then hide it in a public area, when someone finds it they tag it on FB and then rehide it so that you can see how far your rock can travel! It's really cool, some of them are stunning!
Strugglingmum
25-01-21, 10:23 AM
The old things will come back, mine are starting to but it's ok to try new stuff in the meantime. Some suggestions- Zentangle, colouring in, yoga, jogging, origami, patchwork, clay modelling. There are loads of things out there. Find one thing that you think, I've always wanted to try that, or that sounds interesting and just go for it. If you dont enjoy it, try something else. Some of the benefits are it passes time, gives your brain something to focus on, creativity is very therapeutic, you can learn new skills which boosts self esteem and you get a sense of achievement. You dont have to be wonderful at them, just enjoy the process.
Butterfly
25-01-21, 12:31 PM
Rock painting really sounds amazing! And that's such a lovely idea about hiding the rocks somewhere (nod)
I'm glad to hear that the old things can come back. It does indeed feel a bit like grieving. I'm searching for something else to cause pleasure but sadld my mind doesn't allow me to like something anymore. It'll only find the bad aspects, will try to talk it bad so I'll stop liking it and finding joy in it. It has been like that with old favourites of mine too sadly xx
Go for a walk and find some rocks...
Butterfly
25-01-21, 06:46 PM
I will try xx
Have you managed to get out for a walk?
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