Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

[Butterfly]

That sounds like it's worth a try, I'll definitely look into it xx Thank you (panda)
By now I'm willing to try just everything to get over feeling like this. It's terrible and I want it to stop... my mind can't stop circling around and it's making me go mad

[Suzi]

You're not "mad" lovely, you're "poorly" and you need to have help, love and support to get better. You're trying to do the right things - have you eaten? Had a dink? What about going for a walk?

[Butterfly]

I haven't eaten yet but I'll have lunch/dinner later on. I did drink enough though and have had a small walk earlier - only to the post office but it was lovely because it's good weather today xx

[Paula]

Why didn’t you eat this morning? Is that normal?

[Suzi]

I too was wondering if it's normal for you to only eat once a day?

[Butterfly]

I usually don't have breakfast because I don't feel hungry. Normally I eat around 1pm though or earlier. Today I just didn't feel hungry at all, all day. I often feel a bit sick when my mental health goes wild. My mum and I made toasties earlier though, yummy (inlove)

[Suzi]

Yum for toasties! So delicious, but so underrated!

Hunni could you try eating in the morning even if it's just a piece of fruit or something? The same at lunch?

[Paula]

Hun, just as with physical illness, mental illness uses a lot of your body’s resources, so it’s really important to have regular meals - especially breakfast as you’ll likely have not eaten for 12 hours.....

[Butterfly]

I know, it's not easy to have breakfast when not feeling hungry at all... but I'll try. I just am unmotivated for anything because I feel like unless I'll manage to solve all that's been going on in my mind, then I'll never be happy at all..

[Suzi]

You won't solve it all at once lovely, you're only going to be able to chip away at it bit by bit lovely... You have to remember that this might take you longer than a quick fix....

[Arty]

I agree with Paula. Your brain won’t be able to function properly if it doesn’t have fuel first thing in the day. My psychiatrist recommended a protein element to breakfast, such as an egg. Even if you don’t feel hungry/ have very little time, try having something you can eat on the go like a protein bar. Hope this helps x

[Butterfly]

I will try and have some breakfast in the morning. It's holidays starting on Thursday so this will be good too to start getting used to eating something small in the morning too xx

[Suzi]

Well done lovely! How was your weekend?

Have you had breakfast?

[Butterfly]

My weekend was quite good actually. We're having some amazing weather and I've done my affirmations too. I did have breakfast today too, only some fruits but better than nothing I guess xx
I'm not feeling too well mentally sadly, it's always after feeling better for some days that it hits me and I feel back to very upset again.

[Paula]

Well done for having breakfast! Fruit is fine, my breakfast is only ever fruit and natural yoghurt.

[Butterfly]

That sounds like a great Breakfast too, Paula (nod)
Feeling really low again today sadly

[Suzi]

I had blueberry soya yoghurt ;)

Well done for having breakfast. Have you been able to get out for a walk or other form of exercise? What's the weather like where you are?

[Arty]

Hi, well done for breakfast (nod) Just to reassure you, it is normal (sadly) for recovery to be a bit up and down. Sometimes it can be that you have done a little too much. You're doing really well, keep checking in with us x

[Butterfly]

Good afternoon, I'm sorry for being so quiet the past few days. I've had some rough times. I'm having holidays now but been thinking about stuff far too much, too much overthinking and many bad thoughts sadly. I'm feeling like I'm loosing my mind and like my own mind is playing tricks with me and making me believe in things that aren't true. Therapist appointment isn't until next week though..

[Paula]

(panda). No need to apologise, love. We get it (I’m well known for going quiet when I’m struggling). But I will say, those are the times when we need our support structure the most (and one day I’m going to take my own suggestions on board.....). Can you be kind to you today? Maybe a walk or a pamper day? Nothing too strenuous but just something to distract your mind from itself?

[Suzi]

Sorry you've been struggling lovely... Do you want to talk about the thoughts you've been having?
Are you keeping a note of how you are each day to take with you to your therapist's appointment?

[Butterfly]

I've been going for a lot of walks the past few days, thanks to the good weather. It's hard to distract my mind because it's hanging onto several subjects that make me go mad because I feel as if I'm not even remembering certain things anymore...
I'm writing down my feelings so I can take that list along (the mood diary).. that definitely seems a good plan.
It's just... unnecessary thoughts. Mainly comparing myself to others on several aspects and feeling unable to keep going when I can't be like them. So nonsense but my mind forces me to do it

[Arty]

Distraction is good but pacing/resting is also important. Over time, you will be able to listen to your body more.
Would you say it is anxiety or depression or both that you are suffering with? X

[Suzi]

Sweetheart what things are you comparing? Who to?

[Butterfly]

@Arty: I'd say it's more depression but there can be some signs of anxiety as well. It's not something like social anxiety though, more like the anxiety of not being good enough or like others xx There also have been some signs of OCD but I've never officially been diagnosed with anything so far xx

@Suzi: It's like comparing myself to idols I have.. I know social media and the celeb world isn't always what it seems and that I've mentioned it before. It's just like.. that I know how much they've archived and what they've done etc. and I want that too, even with knowing that their life had some ups and downs too and isn't perfect either, especially not as "perfect" as ut seems portrayed online.
It's just like.. I feel like they've done so many great, brave, cool things and there's me who'll never even come close to that, who'll never do things as good/brsve/etc. as they've done and therefore I'll never reach their happiness.

[Suzi]

Who are the celebrities you idolise love? I don't think we've talked about who they are and what aspects of their lives you are lusting after?

[Butterfly]

They're in a band called Steps.
At the beginning I just really liked their music etc. but then I found myself getting hugely jealous of the way They're living and the things They're doing, like being on tour, doing music videos etc.
I know that's not everything and that their lives aren't perfect either and that not all of this celeb life is fun and freedom. It's just.. I so desperately want to be like them, have a life like they do and archive what they've done whether that's career-wise or personal archivements etc.
I always feel like, if I don't manage to archive certain things that they've managed, I'd be unhappy forever because I wasn't equally strong or brave.

[Paula]

If they’re the Steps I know, I love them! But, what they achieved over the years apparently took its toll on the mental health for at least two of them.

[Butterfly]

I guess we're talking about the same - band from UK, just published their new album, etc. (nod) I know that some of them have had past issues and definitely know that just because of being rich, famous etc. it doesn't automatically mean they're happy and don't suffer either. It's like... I'd switch with them in a heartbeart (no pun here), even if I know that they've had struggles too. I guess because of my own past issues, I just started comparing myself to others and wanting to be like others so desperately because of the deep rooted dislike I've formed towards myself. And seeing what others have done - whether career-wise or personal stuff - just makes me wanting to do and have all the same, otherwise my mind tortures me even more..

[Arty]

Hi Butterfly, I have reread your introductory comments. So you are working part time and studying too? It sounds like you don't want to be doing your current job. Why are you doing it/could you change path? It is so sad to hear that someone with all their life ahead of them is stuck doing something they loathe. Sometimes, we try to please others which means we are not being authentic to ourselves. This can make you ill. I speak from experience.x

[Suzi]

I know Steps! They are awesome... But sometimes when we're looking in, even the struggles look easier than our own. There's nothing wrong with aspirations and dreams love. The problem is when they become something to beat yourself up about.

There's no reason you can't have an amazing career doing what you love. Success doesn't only come in fame.......

[Butterfly]

@Arty: I'm training to be a legal assistant. It's definitely far from what I want to do and I think that being "stuck" in an Environment I don't want to be part of, contributes to feeling this way too. I'm just a bit scared that if I'd quit, I could end up too depending on others and I don't want to feel like a burden. I definitely want to change my path... it's just like I'm someone who needs to plan everything in Detail even years im advance and that makes decisions very hard xx

@Suzi: Agree, they're fantastic! I think the way my mind forces me to copy my idols or aspire to be exactly like them makes it all very hard. I admire them for stuff they've done but yet I feel like if I don't manage to do the same things, it'll automatically mean unhappiness. It doesn't necessarily needs to mean fame, it could also just mean personal things they've archived; like going to some stuff and being stronger than I'd probabaly ever be. I compare myself A LOT to others and automatically see myself as less worth and less good if I don't archive the same things that others did, especially when it's something brave. It tortures me.

[Suzi]

But if it's not fame that you're wanting, then why do you think you aren't as strong as they are? Hunni, you're fighting the thoughts in your head every day - that's pretty hard core if you ask me...

[Butterfly]

Well I'd love to go into performing but I'm not sure if I'd end up being unhappy forever if I don't manage it. Sad, yes. But not unhappy forever, maybe just having regrets. I think it's more stuff they've done that isn't about their career. But I'm scared to talk about it because it's quite weird and Personal... I've told my mum and she understood it somewhat but also said it's nothing I need to compare myself to others.
Thank you, Suzi xx I agree that everyone who's fighting with mental health issues is a warrior xx

[Paula]

So do you see yourself as a warrior?

When’s your appointment?

[Suzi]

I don't know what you're referring to, so can't be specific. But... You will get through this lovely...

[Arty]

Thanks for replying to my comment Butterfly. Your therapist should go through everything with you, including your deepest feelings and need to compare yourself to others. The latter is very common, especially when one is feeling low. I guess it is easy for me as a 46 year old person to advise you. I have been through at least 5 years of therapy and I can honestly say it is the best thing to talk through things, without wondering if you are going to upset anyone. In the meantime, just keep talking to us. We have a wealth of experience and will never judge you. Releasing how your feeling really will help x

[Butterfly]

I don't know if I see myself as a warrior... I feel like others have it far worse and like I'm not really meant to be seen as strong.
I think all that comparing myself to others in terms of what others managed and I didn't just makes me have such a deep dislike for myself. I look up to others and hate it at the same time that I'm not like them. It's not easy to talk about things that even sound strange to me and I don't like all these thoughts, they're so uncomfortable..

The appointment is tomorrow xx

[Paula]

I agree that everyone who's fighting with mental health issues is a warrior xx

You said it yourself - EVERYONE. So if you agree that’s the case, then you have to agree you’re a warrior.

[Suzi]

It's not easy to talk about, but it's really important to love...

[Arty]

Hope your appointment goes well Butterfly x

[Suzi]

Please let us know how it goes lovely....

[Butterfly]

Okay so I've had the appointment today. I was really nervous but I had my list etc. so that was a bit more calming. We've spoken about some start things at first, like what I do at the moment, how lockdown has impacted me, what my hobbies/interests are etc. so we'd "get to know each other"
We then spoke about the issues (I showed the list too) and about when they started, what I think about them and how they might have been caused. Now we'll start working through them all (like a piece of paperwork), step by step, to they'll go away and won't bother me as much as they do now. That was it for today xx

[Strugglingmum]

That all sounds very positive. You may feel a bit washed out after all that talking. Be very kind to you. X

[Suzi]

That sounds like an awesome session! I'm proud of you for going and for talking through things.

Please make sure you are kind to you over the weekend, therapy is exhausting.

[Butterfly]

Thank you xx It was good to let it all out to a professional. I'm definitely feeling drained and having a lot of bad, "paranoid" thoughts right now so I'll try to go to sleep and switch them off xx

[Paula]

How are you doing? Please be kind to you today....

[Suzi]

Are you planning a really easy weekend?

[Butterfly]

I'm not doing too good. Had a few weird dreams and having a lot of struggles and intrusive thoughts. Weather isn't good either but I'll look if I can manage to go for a walk and other than that I'll probabaly just write a bit on my book and will watch tv. Will be making dinner with my mum today xx

[Paula]

What’s your book about?

[Suzi]

You're writing a book? I don't think I picked up on that one before...
Do you not eat dinner with your Mum very often?

Have you thought any more about looking around at amateur dramatics groups/choirs etc ready for when lockdowns are lifted?

[Butterfly]

Yes I'm writing a book - it's about an author rescuing a former dancer from the streets and helping her getting her life back. Sort of a romance novel xx
@Suzi: I always have dinner with my mum but we don't cook together every day (I can't cook well) but we do it once or twice a week xx
Yes I've looked around and saw that a theatre at the town/city I live in, offers it. However they're currently closed due to lockdown so calling them didn't work out sadly.

[Suzi]

Can you email them maybe?

Cooking more often makes you a better cook - if it's something you enjoy?
The book sounds fab! :)

[Butterfly]

I could try. I haven't seen an email adress yet but I look out for it xx
I'm actually not a huge fan of cooking though I can make some easy meals like spaghetti etc. xx
And thank you, that's very lovely xx
Dreading a bit to go back to a "normal" schedule tomorrow, with my mind being so busy with thoughts constantly I always feel much more stressed during normal days when there's no holidays.

[Suzi]

Sorry you're dreading going back to work lovely. You seem so unhappy at work...

[Butterfly]

I am. Some "good" news. I contacted my therapist yesterday after work because I was feeling so low, and talked a bit about stuff that's been going on. I was told to look into something new (work-wise) and definitely try amateur dramatics as soon as theatres will open again. This work/job isn't for me and the environment makes it worse. Having a lot of worries and doubts today and am so uncertain if I ever will actually have the future I aspire. I'm scared to mess up and ruin things, like I'm always on the run and about to make the wrong move.

[Suzi]

You may be scared of the future, but that's OK. We all worry if the next step we take is the "right" one for us... However, there is nothing stopping you from applying for anything you think you like the sound of. Just because you may be offered a job it doesn't mean you have to take it!

[Paula]

It sounds to me that your work is making everything harder. If that’s the case, looking at other options can only be a positive

[Arty]

Well done, you are taking a good step in acknowledging that something has to change. Take your time to think about other options and most importantly, try to be kind to yourself. You are allowed to try things and make mistakes. All of us on here are learning more about ourselves and life everyday. It sounds like your therapist is being very supportive too which is great x

[Butterfly]

Thank you everyone xx
It's actually more like being afraid of making a mistake that will "ruin" the future or will have an impact, meaning I'll never be happy again and will live with thousands of regrets. I think work indeed makes it a bit harder because it always pulls me down even more.
Sometimes it's just so hard to get through the day

[Suzi]

Sometimes it's better to jump into something different then live with a job you hate!

[Paula]

Oh hunni, we all make mistakes - I’ve made some huge, life changing ones in the past, and I’m sure I’ll make more in the future. What shows our mettle, is how we deal with those mistakes going forward, and I have no doubt you can manage anything that’s in your path

[Butterfly]

Thanks everyone xx
It's so hard to accept sometimes and I'm just someone who feels the need to plan everything out even years before. It's nerve-wracking and not good, but somehow I feel the need to overthink and plan everything instead of just allowing myself to see what happens

[Suzi]

Have you had a look around for any other job vacancies?

[Butterfly]

I did. There are some offers and some of them sounds good - well, better than the current one for certain. Will be having a closer look on them this weekend now.
Been feeling okay today. A bit sick (from being so unsettled I think) so will be having a quiet afternoon with watching some tv and treating myself nicely xx

[Suzi]

OO what kind of things are you looking at an applying for?

[Butterfly]

The same kind of job I'm currently training for, just at a different place. The thing is... I'd like do get this done first (it's done next year) so I have some sort of backup of whatever I aspire doing won't work out. I never aspired to work in an office and I likely will never want to actually work there... but a backup in form of a completed Training is better I feel.
As said before, I'm a massive worrier. I never see the good in something, only the bad. If I want something or do something, my mind automatically thinks of the worst scenarios until I end up giving up my goals and dreams. It's as if my mind purposely forces me to hate everything, think of the worst and constantly conpare myself so everything I like ends up being what makes me sad

[Arty]

Hi Butterfly,
Google CBT negative thought patterns and I am sure you will recognise these. It isn’t easy to retrain your brain but it can be done, with help from therapy of course. You may find keeping a journal is useful. Write down the thoughts you are having, where possible, and then you can go through them with your therapist.x

[Suzi]

Arty is right, it is retrainable, and writing things down might help - either as a journal, but also as a mood tracker can help so you can see how things are at an easy glance.

When is your next therapy session?

[Butterfly]

@Arty: I definitely can relate to almost all of them! I'll speak to my therapist about that as well xx I'm already keeping a mood diary where I write my emotions down, usually in the evening when I've gone through literally every emotion. It's definitely helpful because I take it along to therapy too - thank you xx

@Suzi: It definitely does. The mood diary is a good way of knowing how I felt since the latest appointment etc. xx Next session is the end of the month, the 30th to be exact. It's always good to have them on Fridays so I can calm down over the weekend xx

[Suzi]

Can I ask why the appointments are so far apart?

[Butterfly]

I'm not sure if I'm honest. I was told that it's the earliest next possible appointment. To be fair, all therapists I've been to before usually had their appointments in a span of 2-4 weeks too.. it's a bit unfortunate but 2 weeks is definitely better than waiting 4 xx

[Suzi]

It is, shame you can't have a weekly session though...

[Butterfly]

It definitely is. Weekly sessions would be so much more useful, especially as I feel like I'm really struggling again today.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Are you able to get out for a walk or take some photos? Have a nice lunch? Plan something nice to do this evening?

[Butterfly]

Yeah I had a nice lunch and also went for a small walk earlier. Not long but a small walk at least. I feel as if the past week was "Okay" actually - at least compared to how I've been feeling the weeks before. However Saturday night I had a weird dream and then it all came crashing down again to stuff I thought I'm over and that's been bothering me now and I can't let go... I wish I could stop this overthinking and comparing stuff but my mind sadly doesn't leave me alone ._.

[Suzi]

Well done for doing little things to be good and positive for you. Okay is good. This isn't going to be a straight forward recovery, some days are going to be better than others - but that's the same whether you have a diagnosed mental health condition or not.

[Butterfly]

That's true.. I just feel so hopeless. I just want this to stop and although I know that therapy and stuff does help, I just haben this horrible feeling that it'll never get better. I think back to happier times but I know that even travelling back to these times wouldn't help as long as there are so many bad thoughts in my head.

[Suzi]

Gorgeous girl, I promise you that you will get through this by doing all the positive things you are - try joining in the fab 5 thread on a Friday too. Make yourself stop and look for the positives in your day, what there is around you etc. For example I have a baby magnolia tree in my garden and this is the first year it's flowered and it's stunningly beautiful. That makes me know that not everything is doom and gloom etc...

[Butterfly]

Thank you for these words xx
It's hard to stay positive when I feel as if nothing brings happiness at all. I'll be doing my best to do the Fab 5 tomorrow though xx
A baby magnolia tree sounds very lovely!
I'm glad that the weather is getting better now, the sunny days are easier sometimes but I still find myself being so thoughtful.

[Suzi]

Are you practicing telling yourself to stop those thoughts and think of something different?

[Butterfly]

Yeah, I try to tell myself that I don't need to think about certain stuff because they're not relevant and I try to focus on other, happier things. But my mind doesn't allow me peace and always takes me back to certain issues, it won't let go of it unless I "solved" it.

[Suzi]

It's great you are working to try to stop yourself...

[Butterfly]

Yeah it's just so hard. My mind keeps getting back to stuff I want to stop thinking about and it's really hard to let go..
On a positive note, I'm back to doing the Fab 5 (inlove)

[Suzi]

So good to see you on the Fab 5s!
I know it's hard, but the more you do it the more automatic it will become.

[Butterfly]

Thank you xx Yeah it's not easy but I know it's not impossible. For now I just try and focus on keeping the mood diary going, doing affirmations, mindfulness etc. and obviously speaking to the therapist. As a quote in one of my fave films (Sing) says "You know what's great about hitting rock bottom? There's only one way left to go, and that's up" (y)

[Suzi]

That's an awesome post! I'm so proud of you for keeping going and trying!

[Butterfly]

Thank you Suzi xx
I had an okay weekend overall. Went for some walks (and rollerskating) and yesterday we got takeaway dinner. Today's a bit harder with the intrusive thoughts and stuff but I'll be doing some mindfulness, affirmations etc. this afternoon again and I hope it'll help a bit xx

[Suzi]

Rollerskating? So cool! I haven't done any since I was very, very much younger and I was *slightly*... OK, totally rubbish and spent more time falling over than on my feet! (rofl)

You can do it! Can you get out at lunch for a walk or something?

[Butterfly]

It's so much fun indeed! I love rollerskating, iceskating, swimming... (nod) Bless you falling over, that's definitely not nice (shake)
I went for a short walk yesterday. Am not feeling too good mentally today sadly. But I'm just holding onto the hope that it'll pass one day...

[Suzi]

Well done for going for a walk. Did you spot anything lovely?
Sorry today isn't a great day, maybe try focussing on the little things during today and let tomorrow come...

[Butterfly]

Well I live close to the fields so that's always a lovely spot to walk past xx
I'm trying to focus on good things (no matter how small) but it's definitely a bit harder today. Feeling really upset right now sadly.

[Arty]

Would you like to tell us some more about how you are feeling?x

[Suzi]

What's causing you to be so sad?

[Butterfly]

I'm not sure what's the exact cause of feeling like this. It's just the general feeling of not being happy with myself and feeling like never being good enough. Like I always need to do what others have done so I'll get happier

[Suzi]

It'll not be like this forever love. You're working hard to beat this...

[Butterfly]

Sorry for not posting in a few days xx
I had my therapist's appointment on Friday and it went good overall. We've been talking about lots of stuff and I took the mood diary along again. We've been talking about past experiences too thaz could've contributed to feeling like that as well. We've made the next appointment in two weeks, again Friday. Until then I should definitely keep writing my mood diary, I should've write more entries of my mood differs on a day (like, if I feel good in the morning but bad in the evening I should write down when and why it could've happened, IF something happened etc.) and so on. I talked about the OCD traits I have too, which could be a part of why I feel upset too (as I feel like it controls me often) and about the need to be like others too, something We've been talking about in the last session as well. It could be from past experiences as well and we'll keep working through that so I won't feel this need anymore.

Feeling a bit drained today and not really happy. Having a lot of bad thoughts lately and Feeling unable to switch off from that sadly xx

[Arty]

Butterfly, it sounds like you are working through things in a systematic way. I was just thinking about this and liken it to this image...your brain/thoughts are like a mass of different wools which have all become entangled together and need unpicking or tidying up. The therapy process takes time, we may not even consciously know why we starting thinking in a particular way. Early experiences or genetic history can have a big impact on our MH so need to be understood. Well done for undertaking this journey, give yourself time to rest when you can x

[Suzi]

Sounds like a great therapy session, but one that's also exhausting... Can you be kind to you today? Take time and work through things 1 at a time and remember, you didn't get this poorly overnight, it'll take a while to work through it all too....

[Butterfly]

@Arty: That's a great way of describing it. I definitely feel like there's a lot of stuff in my head and like it's somehow tied together but still independent stuff. For example, I don't like much about myself. I'm hugely jealous of others. I want to be someone else and feel bad when I can't do what they can do. It all affects me in a different way but yet these emotions are tied together and always come back to the same issue: I don't want to be myself or, at least, be LIKE someone else.
I'm not sure if there's genetic history in my family though I know that my grandmother does have anxiety. Thank you xx

@Suzi: I definitely always feel off after Therapy. Like... better because I got stuff of my chest but bad because I still feel low. I did have a good meal today, sadly didn't managed to go for a walk.

[Suzi]

It's hard when you are in therapy as you end up talking about things and when you start talking about them it makes them "real" itms? It's not "just" in your head anymore. Be kind to you lovely.

[Butterfly]

Definitely. Talking about things always makes it all feel more real and that's not easy, because I wish it would be different and that all would look happier. Therapy is a step in the right directon but it doesn't make things easier xx

[Paula]

Have you been looking after yourself today?

[Butterfly]

Had a good walk earlier despite some rain xx Now I'm just relaxing and listening to some music. It's the anniversary of my cats' passing so It's been a bit of a emotional day because of that as well xx

[Suzi]

Sorry about your cat lovely. Anniversaries are always tough...
Hope today is brighter for you.

[Butterfly]

They really are. It's been five years and I still find it tough and feel like it had made an impact on my wellbeing too, back then.
Today's been a bit of a rubbish day too. Just feeling overwhelmed and lost. I did cry earlier too but I'm just hoping for a good weekend xx

[Suzi]

So sorry lovely.... (panda) (bear) Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter.

[Paula]

Big hugs, lovely

[Butterfly]

Thank you xx
It's really hard today, I feel like my mind is going to collapse under all that pressure. I don't kniw anymore how to get out of this circle and whilst I have therapy, I still feel so hopeless that these thoughts will ever stop. Going through the days feeling like this is such a struggle and there seems to be no way out. I'm really feeling so so low

[Suzi]

How are you doing today? Can you build in things that are positive for you?

[Paula]

Therapy’s hard, love. It’s going to impact your mood, unfortunately. Hold on in there, it will get better

[Butterfly]

I'm not doing good. Struggling a lot with OCD today, many thoughts on my head of trying to avoid things that will cause misery and bad scenarios. That's a big struggle today

[Suzi]

Have you done anything that is a positive thing for you today? Have you joined in the fab 5s? What about spending time with your Mum? Or watching a comedy show?

[Butterfly]

Not at all. I'll be going for a walk later though so hopefully that'll help a bit. I have done the Fab 5 though yesterday :) I'm not sure what to do yet (apart from the walk) but the weather looks promising so that's good news.

[Paula]

It’s pouring with rain here lol. It’d be good if you can get out and enjoy the sunshine :)

[Suzi]

It's raining and windy here! Hope you do have something positive today. Do you like taking photos? Could you get out and take pictures of where you live etc?

[Butterfly]

I went for a walk in the sunshine today and indeed took some photos too (nod) Now I'm just relaxing a bit, it's been so warm today and such a change of weather within just a few days. Been feeling okay today bjt still struggling overall xx

[Paula]

Ok is good, love. Well done for doing something positive for you today

[Suzi]

Maybe you are looking at things too much "overall" when you should be focussing on the here and now - the OK, the photos, the walk, etc...

[Butterfly]

That could be true, Suzi. I'm a massive overthinker. It's as if I can't just go with the flow as they'd say, I have to think about everything in detail until finding a satisfying solution and even then I'm still unhappy because it's not enough. I really hate myself. I wish I could be someone else instead. I don't want this anymore.

[Suzi]

But you are lovely. You are bright, kind, interesting, intelligent, you can speak English better than a lot of natives I know, you are young and have so many options for the future.... I wish you could see you like I see you.

[Butterfly]

That's very lovely, Suzi xx
I think it's just difficult for me to see my own worth. I've got so many self-doubts and don't see anything good in myself. I constantly am afraid to be less good than others and compare myself A LOT and am scared that my actions will lead to bad things happening, thanks to OCD. It's all just such a big struggle daily (sweat)

[Paula]

Could you try to believe that we believe in you?

[Butterfly]

I mean I could and I'm trying and telling myself that I'm good enough and doing what I can... but it's like my mind is preventing me from believing in that. I just don't see myself as worth of anything and like whatever I'll do - I'll never be good enough and therefore I'll never be happy either. I know it's a lie because everyone has struggles and life isn't as picture-perfect as it seems on pics, Videos or stories but I just feel like... even if this all is a lie, I rather had this life than mine.

[Suzi]

It's something we've done with lots of members. It's the can you believe that we believe that you are those things I said about you, that way you don't have to believe it yourself, just that we do. If we all believe those things about you then we can't all be wrong.......

Have you thought about when you first started to feel this way? What was going on in your life?

[Strugglingmum]

Butterfly I have no magic wand, I wish I did but all I can tell you is that I have felt just as you are feeling and I couldnt believe anything good about me either.
However, I had people here who believed good things about me and frequently reminded me of that. I worked at therapy and in learning to challenge those thoughts and eventually I started to be able to see things a bit differently. I'm still learning, it doesn't happen overnight but it starts to become easier. Hang in there and just know that even though you cant see any good, we do. If you cant believe in you, believe in us and what we see. I promise you if you keep working at it you will see it too some day. X

[Butterfly]

Thank you both (panda)
@Suzi: I don't know when I exactly started to feel like this. I mean I always talked myself down, even in primary school. But I think it's become this bad around 1,5 or maybe just 1 year ago. I don't know the exact reason actually.. it just was out of nowhere.

@Strugglingmum: I'm sorry that you've been feeling like this too. However I'm glad that you're getting better and I completely agree that it isn't easy but possible. Sometimes it just feels so hopeless, like I'm working towards something that will never happen anyways. I'm glad to have stuff like therapy, family and friends and also this forum. It makes the days easier.
I just wish I had my old self back. Just happier and more carefree. By no means perfect but better xx

[Suzi]

Sweetheart you will get to a place which is brighter. Tbh I think you are already sounding brighter than you did when you first joined us..

[Butterfly]

Well I think that I've "overcome" some struggles of the past year. However there's been new struggles which are equallly bad. I think the last time I truly was fully happy was summer 2019. After that everything slowly started to get worse until I hid rock bottom at the end of last year. But I'm so thankful for this forum.. I don't know where I'd be without the support of you lovely people (and my family) (inlove)

[Suzi]

So what changed for you after that summer?

[Butterfly]

Well I took up the work I have. I think that contributed a lot to feeling that way but not solely. I'd say there have been factors before that contributed to it but it never made me feel that low. Probably it all just came together and ultimately crashed me down

[Suzi]

With that and a global pandemic... I'm not surprised you have been struggling. Hunni, are you still looking around for other jobs?

[Butterfly]

Yeah I feel like I've been on the edge for a good while but that made me fall over the edge. It's like all negative emotions came together and now I can't see anything good in my life anymore. I know it's nonsense but I so desperately want to be (like) someone else, hsve someone else's life and just not having to be who I am because there's not one inch that I like about myself, I already hate my name as hell (not the name in general. I hate it on me.)
I've been looking for different jobs/workplaces the past few weeks but I haven't found something yet that interests me or seems sympathetic :s

[Suzi]

It's not nonsense at all! I think we all see other people's lives and think they must be better than ours. If you hate your name, could you change it?

[Butterfly]

That's going to sound strange because although I dislike my name, I wouldn't necessarily change it. I don't suffer from it and it's still a part of me (although not one I actually like) and I have it for like 20+ years now. My parents chose the name and it's something that will forever connect me with them. Funnily, I like the meaning of my name (which my username originates from) but I don't now... I wish I'd been given a different name when I was born.
Agree with you that we often see people's lives and only see the good even with knowing that they're not perfect either. Our mind can be a messy place sadly

[Suzi]

Why do you not think your name suits you? I go by a shortened version of my name. I hated my full name for years - I still am only called by it for medical appointments and my family...

[Butterfly]

I don't know. It just seems so lovely on others but not on me at all. I also really dislike it when someone shortens my name (which makes it all eveb worse) even if nicknames are so cute on others actually. So it contributes to disliking stuff about myself

[Paula]

Do you have a middle name you could use instead?

[Suzi]

A friend of mine is called Georgina. As they struggled with their gender identity and didn't feel that Georgina fit them at all. So they shortened it to George. That didn't work for them either and they found another name which did fit them. They now go between each of the names depending on what scenario they are in...

[Butterfly]

That sounds good too. I don't know, I think I'll just go with whatever I feel comfortable, whether middle name or a different version of my name. I mean I used to tell people before too (when they gave me a nickname) that I don't like it at all.
Sometimes I wish I could just be more carefree about this all. I don't just mean the name subject, I mean everything. Everything is connected to overthinking and worrying and it seems as if I can never live the life I want because there's always "What If" and that makes me too worried to even try. Which is why I wish to be someone else. Someone who has the life I'd like to have, like my idols do. Someone who doesn't worry about a bunch of unnecessary things. Just someone else

[Suzi]

Have you tried things like mindfulness? Meditation? T'ai Chi?

[Butterfly]

Yeah I do a lot of mindfulness, Meditation, Affirmations etc. xx

[Suzi]

Are you able to use those when you start overthinking/panicking etc?

[Butterfly]

I try. It's not always possible but especially when overthinking I put on some Meditation to switch off the thoughts.xx

[Suzi]

That's really good, what about using breathing or grounding exercises?

[Butterfly]

These are a bit more difficult. When I'm overthinking a lot or feeling bad, I feel like breathing becomes more difficult and like I'm breathing through a blanket. I feel like I rarely can breathe freely because there always is something that's covering me.

[Suzi]

Then that might be a good place to start...

[Strugglingmum]

I found with breathing techniques that its important to practice them when you are feeling ok. It means they are more effective and easier to use when you really need them.
They become like second nature so that you dont need to think about doing it.
Also, if you find yourself getting a bit worked up or anxious, one big breath can really help to reset your brain.
Take a huge breath in and just blow it out long and hard.
It's amazing how much it can help to slow down your thoughts a bit to give you a chance to capture them and hit the pause button.

[Butterfly]

That's something my therapist said too. We had practiced breathing techniques in our first session too. I was told to put my hand on my chest and "feel" how I inhale and exhale. It's definitely a good way of calming down. It was an okay day today but I always feel scared of saying this because of fearing that things will downhill again.

[Suzi]

But that's how things can be with or without a mh condition lovely...Sometimes it's best to enjoy the good days..... Without automatically assuming it's going to all come crashing down...

[Butterfly]

That's true. The good days feel so good and I'm sad when these good days are "over" again. Am glad to have Friday and Monday off so I can go for long walks and enjoy the weather (nod)

[Paula]

Do you anticipate that you’re going to wake up with a ‘good’ day or a ‘bad’ day?

[Suzi]

Hunni, no one has "good" days all the time.... It's something to remember...

I'm glad you've got time off to do things that are good for you....

[Butterfly]

I barely expect a day to be good or bad when I wake up, I allow the day to happen the way it'll happen but am carrying this bag of sadness around..
On a good note, I went for a walk earlier too which was quite lovely!

[Suzi]

But then if you're expecting it to be bad then it's more than likely going to be difficult... Maybe you could try getting up with a "I wonder what good things there will be today?" It sounds simple, but it isn't. But if you start off looking for the positive things then that would help you to focus on seeing all the little things that will add up to things being brighter for you? Almost like "fake it until you make it"...

[Butterfly]

That sounds like a plan although definitely difficult.. I mean it's like I'm seeing the positive things but they don't reach me at all, like I'm behind a wall. Just have to keep trying..

[Paula]

But the more you try to see them, the more visible they become....

[Suzi]

Then try keeping a diary where you try to find 3 positives a day...

[Butterfly]

Hi everyone, sorry for being so quiet for a week. I hope I didn't cause any worry. So I had my therapy session again and we worked through the issues more and more, also looking at the past and possible triggers. My therapist said that when we know the triggers, it's easier to make the worries and problems disappear because we know where they're originating from.
The past week has been okay. I'm not feeling great though and not seeing the positives at all. Like we've got good weather and I tell myself "Oh the weather is nice, lots of sunshine and I can go for walks." but I don't feel... joy or happiness. I still am me and feel like as long as I don't feel good about being me, the positives are hard to fully accept.

[Paula]

Hi hunni. I get the lack of joy and happiness, the ‘flatness’ of depression. It’s a symptom that makes me feel, not me itms? But it will pass. It’s a good sign that you’re seeing it as an issue rather than just accepting it as ‘life’. And you’re still in very early days with the therapy..... Sorry to ask again but you reconsidered medication to help while going through this difficult process?

[Suzi]

I was wondering how things were for you. Glad you've posted.

When's your next therapy session? Am I right in thinking they seem to be really spaced out? Are you keeping mood diaries etc?
Are you not feeling happy at anything?

[Butterfly]

I definitely get what you mean, Paula. It feels as if I'm looking at myself through a mirror and just don't feel like myself anymore. I do consider meds and definitely wouldn't rule them out. My therapist and everyone else around me just seems to see meds as 'bad' and like talking therapy should be tried first.

@Suzi: It's a bit of an up and down at the moment. Next therapy session is mid June. You mean spaced out as if in not being able to have weekly sessions? If so, yes they're definitely a bit full and 'booked out' unfortunately. I keep daily mood diaries in a small book and took it along to all session so far yet xx
I don't kbow about the feeling happy bit... Obviously I do enjoy the good weather or a good movie, or a phone call with friends, but it's mike it doesn't 'reach' me. Like I'm not feeling anything, like I lost the feeling to be happy because the lack of joy and self-esteem has become so much and normal

[Suzi]

One a month seems a long time to wait between sessions. As if you start talking about something but then having to deal with the consequences of what you've been talking about without support...

[Butterfly]

It definitely does. It's not always just once a month, it often is twice a month but I definitely get your point. I know that no one gets better overnight but it's still quite tiring

[Suzi]

A proper counselling session is exhausting. It's really hard talking about things in your head and then trying to make them make sense and fighting your own demons...

[Butterfly]

It is. Talking is so hard and I often feel as if my thoughts and issues don't even make sense and are so unnecessary, yet I can't stop thinking about them xx

[Paula]

How has your week been, love?

[Suzi]

Did you have a good weekend hun?

[Butterfly]

My week has been okay overall. Had pretty good weather which is always a good thing (inlove)
Still am feeling a bit low though, sometimes it's such an up and down of emotions

[Suzi]

What things did you do over the weekend?
Do you have anything positive planned for this week?

[Butterfly]

Went for long walks last weekend, including rollerskating. Today (well, yesterday) I didn't go for a walk as it was a bit rainy and windy unfortunately. But was food shopping with my mum as we'll be baking a cake this weekend :P

[Paula]

Yay for roller skating! Sounds fun :)

[Suzi]

Roller skating sounds fun! Are you baking a cake for someone's birthday or just for fun!

[Butterfly]

I loove rollerskating (or skating in general) xx
The cake is just for fun - chocolate cake, very yummy (inlove)

[Suzi]

Chocolate cake always makes things better ;)
Sounds like you've had some positives this weekend, which is awesome!

[Butterfly]

It does! Chocolate cake is really yummy (nod)
I did have some positives this weekend, yeah (nod) but sadly after a high comes a low. Feeling quite bad again today, lots of intrusive thoughts and just so unhappy and hopeless with everything. Missing my old self a lot today. I wish I could go back in time sometimes... just feeling so unhappy right now and wishing I could just cry

[Suzi]

Can you stop the thoughts and change them into positives? Although you may not be doing x you are now doing y? Or although you thought you couldn't cook you are now baking cakes and making dinner for your Mum?

[Butterfly]

It's hard. The thoughts are so overwhelming and I feel like I need to "solve" things in order to stop them. I could try and distract myself with cooking/baking etc. or just some distraction in general but the thoughts always hit back afterwards..

[Suzi]

But the more you're able to make them stop and think something more positive the better. Of course it's hard love, I wish it wasn't, but it really is. But, you CAN do it.

[Paula]

Unfortunately, it’s not an either/or with negative vs positive. But each time you focus on the positives, it becomes a little bit easier. Until, eventually, you find that the positives outweigh the negatives.

[Butterfly]

It's definitely hard to find the positives... there's so much negativity in my head and I try to block it out but it's too overwhelming. Distraction is good but sadly it doesn't work forever and I find myself coming back to the negative thoughts again. Almost as if I HAVE to keep thinking

[Suzi]

But with practise it does get easier and last for longer...
No one ever has purely positive thoughts lovely...

[Butterfly]

Yeah that could be true... it's just so difficult. My mind is constantly like a whirlwind. I miss the happy times and at the same time I know that the only person in my way is myself. All these thoughts are unnecessary and yet they're still happening. It has ruined everything and I wish the positive feelings would just last longer...

[Suzi]

(panda) (bear) You can get through this lovely, it takes work and practise.

[Butterfly]

Having a really bad day today. Just want to sleep all day and not see or hear anything. I feel like I'm slipping back into rock bottom and it feels terrible

[Suzi]

You aren't slipping to rock bottom lovely. Today may be tough, but you really need to fight hard and try to find at least 1 thing that's positive.... A piece of music? A drink? Something yummy to eat? A pretty flower? There IS something, it might be hard to see, but there IS something....

[Butterfly]

Yeah I mean there's always something but it feels so hard to feel some joy. It's like... I'm seeing things like good weather etc. but I don't feel any joy or pleasure. Just... nothing. It's like I forgot how to feel happy

[Suzi]

I can understand that you are finding it hard love, but that's even more reason to keep fighting. I do wonder if going back to your doctor might be of benefit as you've been trying other things but you are still struggling so much.

[Paula]

Sweetie, at what point do you admit that what you’re doing is taking too long to show any real impact? While therapy is important, and I’m sure it’s a good thing for you to be doing, please, please, please talk to your doctor, again, about medication…..

[Butterfly]

I know it's not good that things aren't going as good as hoped... I will talk again about meds with him. Had a feeling last time he just views meds as "bad" and as if I'm "not ill enough" if you get me. Obviously nonsense. I admit I'm a biz scared of the meds too if I'd end up taking them, scared of side effects or possible impacts on the future but I guess it's just me being a worrier and overthinker.. so will be making an appointment asap.
Thanks for the help as usual, it's appreciated xx

[Suzi]

Any negative side effects should only last 2 weeks, but you need to take them for around 8 weeks for them to get into your system properly....

[Butterfly]

Okay that's good.. I just feel like everyone around me is completely against meds whereas I wouldn't rule it out entirely. A combination of talking and meds isn't bad... guess I have to speak to my doctor again..

[Paula]

Hunni, this is your life, your health. So, your decision….l

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula! Hunni, there are times when if I was told cutting off my foot would help then I'd consider it.... Seriously. This isn't about anyone else, it's about you, your health, your life and whether you want to try it or not....

[Butterfly]

Sorry for not positing in almost two weeks. I finally made an appointment with my doctor for next week. I know it's not going to be easy because I'm scared of bringing up the subject of meds but it'll be fine. The past 1-2 weeks have been a constant up and down. I feel so drained and scared of everything. I feel like having to plan my life so all will go "well" and I'm so so scared of loosing the people I love before their time. I still have so much plans and goals and I want them to see ot too but am scared of talking too much time for it... you get what I mean? I want to experience things and have a family of my own etc., but the later not until like 33 or something. I'm scared my loved ones won't get to see that because it's too late in the future but I don't want to force myself into something too young.
I've got so much new to tell my therapist, so many new problems.

[Flo]

Hi!...you have a lot of 'thinking' going on haven't you? Good you have an appointment with your Doc, and then your therapist. One of the problems with anxiety and depression is over thinking everything and projecting the worst case scenario for the future. What about trying to live just in the day...not to look and worry about tomorrow, but getting through 'today'. I've learned that I can't control other people's lives (the ones I love...children, friends and parents)just to enjoy them and keep in touch, a day at a time. It's natural to fear the future, I think we all do at times. I'm sure you'll reach your goals and ambitions...as for having children, you're young and you'll have all of these things when the time is right. It'll probably happen when the time is right and not before. Just for today, try and enjoy it and do things that make you feel good. Put worries - that might not even happen! - out of your mind for today. Hope your weather is better than ours! Have a good day.(hi)

[Suzi]

Can I ask why you haven't been posting?
Are these new worries about people not being around?
Are these different to the other worries you've been having regarding the celebrities?

[Butterfly]

@Flo: Yeah I'm a huge overthinker... and that's true. Basically I'm overthinking too much and just everything and although I know that it won't lead anywhere, I still do it. Can't help it. I wish I'd already be where I want and wouldn't have these worries anymore but it's always fearing that something won't work out and it'll mean I'm unhappy forever because I can't deal with it. It's so hard to just enjoy the present moment when overthinking is happening constantly... Thank you so much for your help, these words are so appreciated xx

@Suzi: I'd try to take some time away from the phone/laptop to get my thoughts sorted.. I think the worries aren't necessarily new but reoccurring. Like they'd been put on hold for a while and are now back. I'd say they're a bit different to some other worries but still are somewhat connected. I see how others already have the life I want too and wish I could be the same but unfortunately it doesn't work out.

Thank you all for your help xx

[Suzi]

How was your weekend? Are you doing anything nice this week?

[Butterfly]

The weekend was nice overall. The weather was lovely so I went for walks and went swimming as well xx Not much planned this week yet though xx

[Paula]

I’m so glad you enjoyed your weekend :)

[Suzi]

That's fabulous that you had a good weekend!

[Butterfly]

Hello, I'm sorry for not posting so long. Took a time away from the phone and laptop to clear my mind. So the good news is.. my therapist (and GP) both suggested that taking meds might be a good possibility additional to the therapy itself. We'll talk through that more and will form a plan, also to ease my worries about side effects. I know there can be minimal side effects that aren't bad but I'm still anxious. I know got given a homework of writing down a list of all the things I'd do if I wasn't mentally unwell. What I'd do if I wasn't such a worrier and overthinker and how I'd create my life then. Next therapy session is Thursday in two weeks (had my latest session yesterday).
Feeling a bit drained today though and the weather isn't great either so it sounds like it'll be a relaxed afternoon after work, phoning a friend or just relaxing to have energy for the week xx

[Suzi]

Hi lovely! I was wondering how you were doing!
I'm so glad you have spoken to your dr and therapist about meds and that it's something you are going to work through together.

Sounds like a lovely plan to call a friend and relaxing.

[Paula]

Sounds like you’re getting things in place, hunni, I’m so glad :). You’re doing brilliantly!

[Butterfly]

Thank you xx
It's good to know that things might not be this bad forever, there is hope (nod)

[Suzi]

It really won't be....

[Butterfly]

Feeling really low today. Having a lot of anxious thoughts about loosing the people I love, these thoughts always come out of nowhere and then I can't get rid of them anymore. I want them to stop...

Gladly it's my next therapy Session this Thursday xx

[Paula]

How have you been since we last heard from you? Have things been any easier?

[Butterfly]

I've been okay overall. Been for some walks and swims the past few days because the weather was just great. I wouldn't say they've been necessarily easier though, sadly..

[Suzi]

Instead of easier, what about less hard?

[Butterfly]

Okay so I did have my Session today and it went quite well overall. My therapist said I should definitely look into switching the workplace because it seems as if it has had a massive impact on my wellbeing wirh having a boss who literally bullies me. We also talked about meds again and I now will make a new appointment with my doctor so he can prescribe me meds..
I also was given the advice to just look into performing as a hobby, to see where it leads. They can't say more than no anyways.
So now it's time to make an appointment with my doctor for meds.
Next therapy Session is in roughly 3 weeks as my therapist is on vacation now xx

[Suzi]

This all sounds really positive - it's also lovely to hear that he is suggesting the same kind of things that we have suggested too ;)

[Strugglingmum]

That all sounds positive. Well done. Be kind to you and give yourself time to rest after therapy. It can be exhausting

[Butterfly]

Had my latest appointment on Monday. We've talked about what I've been up to and what I can to for improvement. I also looked out for amateur acting in my hometown and actually found something, will have to call though and ask if it's possible to join and when and what a possible price is.
My therapist also said it might be a good idea to change my job/what I train for. My therapist said that a lot of my feelings can Result from that job and my boss being quite mentally harming. I also said like I feel that my time is running out... like I'm missing on good things in life because of being in this unhappy bubble. I've got so many plans, "career" and plans for the future and yet I feel like nothing is every going to work out.
Feeling a bit drained today...

I will soon ask my doctor about meds though. Had a few busy weeks (despite holidays!) and being back to work now so it all has been a bit up and down recently. On a positive note - I went for a long walk today!

[Suzi]

It's been a long time since we've seen you! Well done on finding the acting! When did you find it? Why not call tomorrow?
What things do you think you are going to change to?
Where did you go on holiday?
Can I ask why you haven't talked about meds already?
Well done for going for the walk!

It's good to see you again!

[Butterfly]

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for being absent the past weeks. A lot of crap has happened which didn't improve the general situation at all. Back in October, a cancerous tumor was found on my mum's kidney which resulted in the kidney getting removed. Gladly they found no evidence of disease aftee removed the kidney and she counts as healed now which is good news, although many weeks of recovery will have to follow. But for now we can see it as good news.
Due to all of this, I barely was able to do anything apart from going to work (only to get treated like pure sh*t there). Gladly I've got just 6 months left there before my training for that job ends and I can look into better opportunities.
I must admit, I didn't have regular meetings with my therapst because of that. I know it would've been a good idea ESPECIALLY because of all that happened the past few weeks but I just wasn't able to function correctly. I feel like I now fully reached rock bottom. If I thought I was bad earlier this year, then this is a whole new level.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful my mum is okay.
But I feel like I don't want to go on myself. Everything is so pointless, so why keep fighting?
With flu season happening as well, things are even worse for me now (I've got emetophobia) so leaving the house at all is scary and I have to force myself to go for walks after school/work or to just find motivation for anything, even if it's just getting up.
Everything sucks so much and I hate it.

[Suzi]

Oh I'm sorry to hear about your Mum, but glad she's being looked after.
You definitely need to get some help and to carry on. Sweetheart all these crap things will pass. Give yourself the chance to actually enjoy the things that come next.

[Paula]

That’s wonderful news that your mum is cancer free! However, you’ve been through a trauma and you need to take some time for self care, be kind to you