View Full Version : Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**
Butterfly
25-01-21, 09:59 PM
Unfortunately not as I couldn't bring myself to do anything but I did listen to some calming things. Feeling full of unwanted feelings today..
How about going for a walk today while listening to some calming things?
When are your appointments with your therapist and Dr?
Butterfly
26-01-21, 11:17 AM
I will try and go for a walk today with listening to calming things...
The appointment with my therapist is this week, meeting with my doctor end of next week xx
Are you keeping that mood diary we suggested?
Have you been able to go for a walk? It doesn't have to be a long one, just get out and have some fresh air and exercise.
Butterfly
26-01-21, 06:07 PM
Yes I'm still doing the mood diary xx
Managed to go out for a small walk today too (panda)
Well done, lovely, that’s awesome!
That's fabulous! Where did you go? Did you see anything lovely?
Butterfly
26-01-21, 09:59 PM
I walked through the town where I live xx Saw some people with their dogs etc. and walked past some fields too (inlove)
Butterfly
27-01-21, 05:47 PM
Had a horrible day at work. My boss shouted at me like madness, got disrespectful and just talked me down like there's no tomorrow. For no reason. I wish I could quit that as well, it does nothing good to my mental health either. Wanted to go for a walk again to clear my mind but ended up crying
Strugglingmum
27-01-21, 05:59 PM
I'm sorry you've had such a poor time today. Its horrible having someone shout at you.
Are you being kind to you tonight? What treat could you give yourself? A hot bath? Cuddles with the cat? A nice meal?
Wow, what were they shouting at you?
I'm sorry it's been a rubbish day.. I agree with SM that it's even more important to be kind to yourself....
Butterfly
27-01-21, 07:17 PM
I'll try and be kind to myself today, cuddling with the cats sounds nice.
He's been shouting a lot of disrespect things, ignoring I'm still learning and stuff. He could've said it far more friendly but this is on the edge. I really wish I didn't need to go there tomorrow or ever again
Oh dear! You don't deserve to be shouted at. Maybe you could think of looking for another job. But like SM and Suzi said try and do something nice that makes you happy..a nice lazy bath sounds good.
Your boss sounds terrible and should not treat people like that ever. And what I will say now sounds easy I know but you can not change his behaviour. The only thing that can be influenced is how you react to it. So doing something nice for you is best right now. And try to remember its not you. Its him. You are doing your best. Thats what counts.
It all sounds so easy I know. These things are hard for me as well. But remembering this helps me every now and then.
Is he always like that or has today been a "blip"? Is there any chance of changing departments or something?
Butterfly
27-01-21, 10:06 PM
I will definitely search for something new. I mean it's not a dream job in generel for me... and with that boss it only makes things worse.
Sadly no one can change his behaviour which is really sad but unfortunately true. I will do my best to keep that in mind... and unfortunately, he always is like this. He's quite nasty in general, shouts at the tiniest errors - when, funnily enough, I haven't even made an error today and instead did all the tasks he requested.
Will definitely search for something new..
Sounds like a thoroughly miserable person to be around.
Hope today is better for you....
Oh love, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this (panda), how are you today?
Butterfly
28-01-21, 05:13 PM
Definitely, he's horrible...
Today's been okay. I had the appointment and the therapist is a lovely guy. He asked questions but also let me talk a lot about my issues. As he put it in I'm a "black-and-white-thinker" which is why I struggle a lot. I always seem to go for "everything or nothing at all" which seems pretty accurate.
It obviously haven't helped much yet but it's good to know that people listen. I'm feeling a bit weird though, a bit on the edge like finally knowing I can be free from my issues one day but at the same time like they'll haunt me forever (panda)
Strugglingmum
28-01-21, 06:06 PM
I'm glad you liked your therapist....that actually is a big part of the journey, which you have only started, give yourself time.
I'm so glad you have had your first session and that you liked him. When's your next appointment?
Butterfly
29-01-21, 03:18 PM
The next appointment is the start of March... which is quite a while until then but he's quite booked out if I can say it like that. Again feeling a bit on the edge today but not motivated to go for a walk as its raining nonstop xx
Shame you can't have another appointment until March. You could really do with some more regular therapy. Did you mention the idea of medication with him? Have you spoken to your Dr about it yet?
Butterfly
29-01-21, 11:26 PM
Yeah I think more regular appointments would be really good too... I haven't mentioned medication to him yet though. I've also spoken to my parents about possibly addressing it and they didn't sound very pleased. They said talking therapy should do its work now and I shouldn't take meds already.
Feeling really low and anxious today though... hoping for an okay weekend xx
With the best will in the world, hunni, your parents aren’t the ones who feel like this all the time.....
I couldn't bear for my children to be struggling as much as you are when there are things out there that could help.....
Butterfly
30-01-21, 12:19 PM
I mean they basically couldn't do much if I decide to take meds, they're worried that I become "addicted" to them and say I should try talking therapy first and that my doctor wouldn't agree to meds anyways...
I don't know why your Dr wouldn't agree!
The meds aren't as addictive in the same way as people think - things like some of the sleeping medication or diazepam are, but that's why they aren't used as a long term medication. There's so much misinformation and stigma that it makes it so much harder for people to get the help they deserve...
Strugglingmum
30-01-21, 12:53 PM
So what can you do to help make the weekend easier?
A brisk walk, get the heart pumping?
A movie you love?
Phone a friend for a chat.
Bake something.
Draw/sketch a picture
Play a game
Take a hot bubble bath
Give yourself a facial. Try a different makeup look.
Do a makeover of your room.
Tidy out a drawer or cupboard. Ask your mum to help to get you started.
Butterfly
30-01-21, 06:33 PM
Agree that there's a bit of a stigma towards meds... I definitely believe that they help and that you're not getting addicted, you're just getting help from somewhere else.
Thank you your tips... went for a walk earlier and later on I'll watch some tv. Feeling a bit tired today but helped my mum to make dinner xx
Well done for going for a walk and for cooking dinner with your Mum! That's lovely!
Strugglingmum
30-01-21, 08:30 PM
Well done. Each wee bit helps you get through
Butterfly
31-01-21, 02:43 PM
Thank you xx It was lovely... I'm not a big fan of cooking actually but it depends (inlove)
It's something I didn't like until I learnt to cook! I loved spending time with my husband before his breakdown when he taught me! Now I love it!
Butterfly
01-02-21, 08:14 AM
That's lovely! It's an amazing skill/hobby for certain (inlove)
I'm not really having a good start to the week. Feeling really overwhelmed and having a lot of bad thoughts that I can't switch off. Struggling a lot - again - with things like comparing to others, missing old things and just generally so annoyed and unhappy with everything
Is there anything you can do to give you something to look forward to later? A nice treat at lunchtime or a walk and maybe taking some photos? Spending time with your Mum etc?
Strugglingmum
01-02-21, 09:16 AM
Have you tried grounding techniques for when your brain is racing and tumbling all the negatives around?
It really helps me to just be present in the moment and notice pleasant things around me. It gives me a moment to just be. It's like you teach yourself to just enjoy that moment and be at peace in that moment.
Butterfly
01-02-21, 11:07 AM
I don't know... maybe just a relaxed evening.
What's grounding technique? Sorry for asking (angel) It sounds like a good method... it just seems all so difficult right now..
There are all sorts of ways to use grounding techniques. This website lists a few. I particularly found the ‘senses’ technique very helpful. You can also have someone talk these through with you (eg list 5 sounds you can hear) so it could be something you can get your parents to do with you
https://youngminds.org.uk/blog/the-grounding-technique-that-helps-me-when-im-anxious/
There are lots of different grounding techniques.
The one I've used a lot is the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Find:
5 things that you can see
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Butterfly
01-02-21, 04:05 PM
That sounds interesting... I'll definitely try it out. Sounds like a great method xx
Thank you all (panda)
Butterfly
05-02-21, 07:52 PM
Sorry for the double post xx
Okay so after a horrible week so far I'm now on calming meds called 'Laif 900'
Don't know if it's just my imagination or if they actually make my heart racing a bit but they apparently seem to be popular and effective. Said they help after 2 weeks already. Hope yku all had a better week xx
Those are commonly known as St John's Wort. A herbal remedy. It does only appear to help in very mild cases - and if you are on any other medication - especially oral contraceptives then you HAVE to tell the pharmacist as they interact with so many things and cause so many issues.
Can I ask why you've started this, rather than talking to your Dr?
Oh love, you really need to see your doctor. You’ve been here for a month now and, if you’d have gone then, you’d be well into treatment that would be starting to make you feel better. I’m sorry to be blunt, but what you’re doing is not working - and St John’s Wort really isn’t helpful for most people
Butterfly
05-02-21, 08:17 PM
Everyone in my family is talking me out of meds like antidepressants and stuff so I probably start to believe too that I shouldn't take them. Sometimes I feel like I'm not "ill enough" to take them... I'm so sorry.
You have nothing to be sorry for lovely, it's just we've kind of been there, done that - either ourselves or been through it with a loved one.
Why are they so desperate for you not to take them?
Oh I get it, I really do hunni. But ultimately, you’re the one who’s feeling like this, not them. And take it from someone who knows, getting to the point where you’re so ill you self destruct is not fun. It’s fab that you’re seeing a therapist but that can take a long time and a lot of heartache to get through, and it may be you need some help in the meantime..... please see your doctor
Butterfly
05-02-21, 10:18 PM
I don't know.. I suppose they're seeing those "horror stories" and see it as sort of addicting. They say I shouldn't be focusing on wanting to take meds already when I just started into talking therapy.
I told them that I'm not seeing as an easy way out and that it CAN take time to work and to adjust to it but that it helps. They just said "Yes YOU think that, try out therapy first. No doctor will give you meds straight away." - and I just think... can I really go to my doctor, tell him my symptoms and expect to get meds or advice for meds?
I know what you mean. But the horror stories are there about anything and everything. I think the internet made it even worse. One thing I always have thought and what my therapist told me is that the meds are there for support. The work needs to be done in therapy.
All I can say is have an open mind about everything. And yes you can go into the doctors and ask him that. I am noticing a shift in the way we and doctors talk to each other. When I was growing up the doctor was a revered person and not to be talked back to or give your own thoughts. And now lots of the time they themself ask what do you think?
I know that in Germany that is a bit different then here but its also changing a bit. And its you! You are your own person and you have the right to stick up for yourself. And if meds can help you with feeling better then I hope you can have that option.
You don’t know what your doctor will say and your family don’t know that either. The only to find that out is to make an appointment and see your doctor, talk it all through with them..
Strugglingmum
05-02-21, 11:26 PM
I think it's a conversation worth having with your doctor. They are there to advise you and guide you to whatever is best for you.
I don't know.. I suppose they're seeing those "horror stories" and see it as sort of addicting. They say I shouldn't be focusing on wanting to take meds already when I just started into talking therapy.
I told them that I'm not seeing as an easy way out and that it CAN take time to work and to adjust to it but that it helps. They just said "Yes YOU think that, try out therapy first. No doctor will give you meds straight away." - and I just think... can I really go to my doctor, tell him my symptoms and expect to get meds or advice for meds?
That attitude makes me so cross! Sweetheart the others are right, there are horror stories about everything - from crossing a road to finding tarantulas in their new bunch of bananas... Instead of looking at the horror, maybe tell them some of the stories of lives that have been saved by taking meds - my husbands included. He had therapy as well as meds. He still takes them today because his life is better with them than without....
Surely the concept of being able to live your life, rather than existing is better? I know that there are concerns about addiction, but they don't work in the same way as other medication and you come off them slowly as and when the time is right.
As to talking to your Dr - yes that's exactly what you do...
Butterfly
06-02-21, 05:22 PM
I mean they surely wouldn't forbid me to get happy, they probably just see meds for depression the wrong way. My grandmother takes meds too for anxiety and my parents think she's far too depending (?) on them... but they help. I don't say that I immediately want to take meds because I think talking can help too - but so can meds and a combination of both, as it's been mentioned, seems a good thing. I just don't want to upset them and they always get so angry when I speak about that topic to them. They say my doctor 1) would want me to keep talking therapy first and 2) can't even prescribe me any meds.
I'm just so annoyed with the whole situation - and a bit scared to speak to my doctor about this subject too. So far I've not seen my doctor for many "major" issues yet. It's just a bit scary too I suppose xx
Why can't your Dr prescribe you meds?
What meds are your Grandmother taking?
Butterfly
07-02-21, 05:17 PM
I don't know. They say he can't do that because he's just a normal doctor for issues like a cold etc. and not a doctor for mental health.
I'm not certain what exact meds my grandmother is taking, I only know that it's anxiety meds. Her and my mum aren't exactly fond of each other so I guess my mum doesn't want me to be like her... though I don't think that taking meds would make me be like her.
Earlier my mum and I sorted the basement and we've found some old pics for when I was in nursery or primary school. I looked so happy and carefree. I asked her "If you'd known what will happen to me, mental health wise, would you still have had me?" Cruel I know. She said, she would always choose ti have me again no matter what issues would be crossing our way. She'll try and find a way to bring back this happy kid from the pics no mattet how hard it'll be.
My dad said that, if I want, I can speak to a doctor about meds. He's not holding me back. He's just not a fan of it
Why on earth would they not want to have had you if they knew you were going to have depression? That's a horrible thing to suggest. This isn't something forever, it's a bump, you can get through this and be happy, but you have to do stuff to get to that point.
Go and see your Dr and talk to them.
Butterfly
07-02-21, 07:29 PM
I don't know.. it's probably my mind telling me I'm such a burden to them and that they'd be better off without me. My mind's constantly saying I'm a looser and will never be good enough at anything, I'll always fail and no matter how I do (even if doing good), there always will be those who did better and sometimes that thoughts eat me up. Don't get me wrong - by no means am I saying that people wird mental health issues are loosers. They all are incredibly strong!
I just have no self-esteem.
I WILL call my doctor this upcoming week though. It can't go on like this, it needs to be done
Please do, hunni, you’re right, you can’t continue feeling like this
Call them tomorrow love. You deserve so much more.
OldMike
08-02-21, 10:08 AM
Please call the doctor as soon as possible, you deserve to be well again and that's the first step.
Butterfly
09-02-21, 10:19 AM
I called him. Having an appointment in roughly three weeks to speak about things, unfortunately he's not available sooner
Well done for making that call, lovely
That's brilliant! Well done!
Butterfly
09-02-21, 06:12 PM
Thank you so much (panda)
It feels good to get it done soon.. I'm a bkt nervous but it'll be okay xx
It's OK to be nervous. Tell them that you're nervous and make a bullet point list of how you are feeling and all your symptoms - then if you find it hard to remember what you wanted to say then you can refer to your list.... Remember, you won't be the first or the last person they will see who are struggling with their mental health - especially atm...
Susi's right, make a list of things you want to say so you can refer to it....we're living in very unnatural times so don't feel bad about having a bit of a wobble.
Butterfly
10-02-21, 07:27 PM
Thank you xx I'll definitely take my list along. Its always good (though sad) to know that I'm not alone in these struggles. So many out there have a hard time and it's so sad.
Work has been rubbish again today. I feel so stressed and always am so relieved when I come home or have the weekend. Just makes me feel calmer because of not having that rubbish boss around for a bit. He lets me feel that he has a deep dislike for me.
On a positive note, I plan to cook a lovely dinner on the weekend xx
Sounds like your work is a big trigger for you. Is there any way you could change jobs/departments or something?
OO what dinner are you planning on cooking?
Butterfly
11-02-21, 07:31 AM
It is. I mean I technically could change the job and I definitely want to.. it's just more difficult right now because many companies are closed and aren't looking at applications due to home office things and the lockdown situation. However I definitely can't and don't want to stay at this currently workplace. It makes me go mad.
And I plan to cook an Indian dish. Found a lovely receipt online and will be trying it out on Saturday xx
It might be worth having a look round the job market. I know it’s difficult right now but it’s worth a try.....
Absolutely, look around - you might find something or at least you'll be able to get out when things relax due to covid..
I love Indian food! :)
Butterfly
12-02-21, 06:07 PM
Yeah I'll definitely look out for something. It's just like.. they're obviously not liking me and I don't even know why. They're asking others how their weekend was, what they've neen up to, how things are going etc. - and the only conversation they're having with me is "Clean the storage."
It just makes me doubt myself even more. Without coming across as arrogant, but I think I'm nice and friendly. What's their problem? I'm really doing my best to work hard. Last year I was off with an injury because they made me carry too heavy packages - when I came back they made me carry heavy things again and said "And this time you're not taking time off for this again."
I feel like the only safe place is with my family or with friends. Like a safe bubble.
I feel like the biggest burden, especially towards my parents. I feel bas for living at home still, though at 21 that's really nothing bad and since I'm not in a relationship at the moment, I wouldn't want to move out and be alone in a house or flat anyways.
I just feel like.. othesr are doing so well in life, archiving things and I'm not managing anything. I'm so scared of life and thw future and it hits so hard.. just trying to stay positive about seeing my doctor soon.
That sounds like a horrible place to work at!
You definitely aren't a burden - I'm sure about that.
You are managing loads! You need to stop being so hard on yourself lovely.
Butterfly
12-02-21, 07:47 PM
It is..
I know I'm hard on myself, I just can't stop. Every time I think it's an okay day, my mind tells me otherwise. It's like it forces me to overthink and worry. I worry so much about the future, about when to do things.. I WANT to do things and yet my mind always tells me 1) I need to plan out everything instead of just going for it or 2) I'm too old, it's too late etc.
I don't know of it makes sense but I need to get it off my chest: Ever since I was little, I dreamt of performing in theatre. Now right now this isn't possible due to covid but I still want ti pursue this. Not to get rich and be famous as heck but just to do what I like.. then, my mind tells me that it's already too late as others started with pursuing a career/hobby like that earlier in life. I then tell my mind that it's never too late to go for something. My mind speaks back and says that, if I want to have a family one day, I have to forget about that. I then tell my mind that you don't need to be married and have a kid at 30. It's okay if you archive that by 40 too.
My mind then says that, if I want my parents to meet my future kid, I have to start as early as possible. But then I obvious am not ready for kids yet. Then my mind goes somewhere else and is scared about loosing people close to me, specifically my parents.
THEN I feel envious of those who seemingly have it all.. though that doesn't need to be reality. Social media can lie. It's like a circle that constantly goes through my head. Why can't I just go for things and not worry too much about the future?
I feel so drained. Every time my mind seems to come off a thought, there's more worry to come.
Sorry for the long post.
Hunni, you are definitely not too old for anything! If you want to do something, go and have a go!
Why not put together a youtube show or something? Or investigate things like local amateur dramatic groups etc - Maybe not for now, but maybe for later?
Don't apologise for longer posts, it's all fine ;)
Butterfly
13-02-21, 02:43 PM
I will try it out for sure once lockdown is over. Just am such an overthinker. There are many acting groups in the city I live so it seems logical to give it a go; it's just so hard sometimes to stop doubts and worries.
Having a specifically hard day today. It's like everything's fell down and is now crushing me, like I barely can breathe. This sucks so so much. All I want is the tiniest source of happiness but instead I feel like I'm mourning my old self who's beek dying a bit more each day and is now gone completely after receiving its final drip over the egde
Hunni, are you talking to your family?
What about getting out for a walk?
Butterfly
13-02-21, 03:39 PM
Yeah I've let them know that I'm really at a low point today. They said they don't know what to do but that they're here if I need to get something off my chest
I think I'll be going for a walk now before it gets dark outside
Did you manage to get out at all?
Butterfly
13-02-21, 08:18 PM
Yeah I managed to get out for a walk. However I had a breakdown earlier and now I have a massive headache from crying so much. I think the last time I cried so hard was when my cat was put down a few years ago...
Sometimes the tears are a release and help to move forward a bit love...
Butterfly
13-02-21, 08:45 PM
That's true. I still feel the need to cry more but I'm actually too tired right now... I told my dad a bit about what's going on in my head at the moment and he said he understands my point and that I should try and not compare myself to others too much, as he thinks it's one of my biggest issues. Which is true but I just can't stop. It's like an addiction...
Then lovely, you need to get help to work through it. Counselling and medication if your Dr thinks it's appropriate will help love.
Butterfly
13-02-21, 09:21 PM
Absolutely... I mean the appointment is in roughly two weeks so not too long but it just feels like there's no energy left anymore.
Are you looking after yourself? Drinking enough? Eating?
Butterfly
13-02-21, 10:41 PM
Yeah I do. Struggled a bit to eat today but I still managed to eat enough and stay hydrated xx
Good girl..that's the way!
Butterfly
14-02-21, 11:29 AM
I'm doing so bad right now... I can't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep and it's now not even 1pm and I'm already crying again. I feel so low, like my heart got finally broken
Do you want to talk about what's going on in your head?
Butterfly
14-02-21, 02:25 PM
It just feels a bit hopeless. It's like the small cardhouse I've built up over the past few days came crashing down yesterday and I now am at rock bottom. It's like.... no matter what I do, it'll never bring happiness. Too much comparing to others, too much overthinking and too many things I'll probably will never reach
(panda)
Hunni, although you’ve made big strides with starting therapy and making an appointment to see your doctor, you have actually started any treatment proper yet. So, words like ‘never’ don’t apply - once you get the treatment you need, you will start to feel more hopeful
Sweetheart don't be so hard on yourself. You've got to give yourself chance. I bet it's only since you've been here that you've actually acknowledged your feelings and actually started talking. You're breaking down the barriers love, it will let things out... You need to give yourself chance to allow yourself to work with the therapy and meds (if appropriate) and allow yourself time to start to heal....
Butterfly
14-02-21, 05:14 PM
I know it's harsh to say "never" when I barely started therapy yet. It just feels so bad right now. It's like things are just getting worse and although I know that I'll have a talk with my doctor soon, I wonder if I'll ever get better again. I miss my old sources of happiness so so much. It just breaks me that I can't switch off for at least one hour. This constant need of wanting to be like others, being unhappy if it doesn't happen, and just this constant worry about everything eats me up from inside
You will get better lovely, you'll get help and you will find happiness love...
Butterfly
15-02-21, 01:44 PM
This sounds comforting. I miss who I used to be. A girl with dreams and goals, who aspired to be like others but didn't necessarily had the need to copy them. Nowadays I gave up on all my dreams, feeling like I'll never manage them anyways. My mind cruely decided that it's better to be unhappy than to follow any dreams and just go for it. It's like an endless circle
You will have dreams again and you will fulfil those dreams - I promise
No need to give up on your dreams at all, you're still young and you can still do this.
Butterfly
16-02-21, 03:44 PM
It just feels so hard not to give up sometimes. It feels like all I held onto has fallen apart and I'm now drowning. I keep going for the sake of my parents but it's so hard
It is hard to keep going, but you can do this. When's your Dr's appointment?
Butterfly
16-02-21, 06:30 PM
It's on 1st March so in roughly 2 weeks. Still seems so long when every day is a huge struggle.. it's like there's no way out, no matter what path I take. I'm just longing for any sort of happy feeling
Are you looking for the big things, or looking around you for the smaller things - like a nice drink, or a warm shower or sitting in the park?
Butterfly
16-02-21, 09:20 PM
I don't know.. probably for the big things. I put so much stress on myself. I do try to focus on the small things like sunshine or a nice meal but it just doesn't make me feel anything...
Are you focussing on happiness or peace/contentment? Sometimes, when we’re proper poorly, it helps to adjust our expectations...
I completely agree with Paula. Lovely, I think you're trying too hard...
Butterfly
17-02-21, 09:14 AM
I don't know... I think I do my best to focus on the small things, to find contentment but it just doesn't work out. Every day is such a struggle. I probably am putting myself under too much stress and expectations to manage certain things but in all honesty, I truly feel like I'll end up unhappy forever if I can't reach what I aspire. It's a bad goal...
It sounds as if you are really being hard on yourself. You aren't going to suddenly be happy love, you didn't get poorly overnight, so its going to take time to get better....
Butterfly
17-02-21, 07:21 PM
I am. It's just such a huge struggle. Things don't improve immediately in the space of a few weeks but, I don't know either, it would be lovely to just feel something like a small joy. It's been music that made me joyful before and now it doesn't. I hate everything I used to love.
I don't know how long I can keep going like this. I just wish to curl up in my mum's arms like when I was younger and just cry it out until it stops.
On a postive note, I did manage to go for a walk today
Why not try listening to something different? Have you told your Mum that you need to feel like that again?
Well done for getting out for a walk. Where did you go? What did you see?
Butterfly
17-02-21, 09:01 PM
I don't know.. it's hard to let things go that were the source of so much happy moments, and now my mind forbids me those things. I told her and she said she'll always be there to hug me and let me cry if I need to. She said no matter what age I am, I'll always be her little girl.
I walked past the forrest and past some fields, it's a lovely place there and I took several nice photos. We've still got some snow too so it was a lovely scene ;)
My eldest is 23 and just buying her first house. I promise you that no matter how grown up she is, I will always be there for her whether she wants to cuddle up for hours, or bawl in my arms. No matter how old or grown up she gets. As your mum said, she will always be my little girl. That’s what mums should do, and it sounds like your mum wants to do that for your too. Btw, when I finally got help for my MH illness, it was because my mum frog marched me down to the doctors, did all the talking and refused to leave until I got that help. I was 27 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old. It didn’t matter how old I was, I needed my mum
Sounds like you have a great mum, and she's right you'll always be her baby and she wants the best for you. My daughter is 43 and still turns to me so she can have a good cry when things get tough. That's was good mums do....that's what they WANT to do. Nice that you took some photos.
*Hi 5's your Mum* She's epic. Talk to her. Keep her involved - not only will it help you, but it'll help her too. Maybe talk through everything honestly with her or your Dad and take one of them with you to the Drs?
BTW it's not letting go of things that gave you joy, it's postponing them and trying to find other things to fill the gaps right now. You never know, you could find your next big passion....
Well done for the walk, sounds lovely.
Butterfly
18-02-21, 12:39 PM
I really am so grateful for my mum. I don't know what to do without her, she's such a huge support. It's good to hear that you all completely get what I mean and have been in similar situations... parents are just the biggest support out there ❤
I try and talk to her about everything that's going through my head even if it's not easy sometimes.
And yeah it might be true that I don't have to let go of the things I used to love completely. It just feels like that and that's what's upsetting. All that brought me joy has gone away and even if there might be a new passion somewhere, I still am missing the old things at the moment... xx
Could you be trying too hard to find things to bring you joy, rather than seeing what things make you smile during the day?
Butterfly
18-02-21, 04:13 PM
Could be possible. It's just that I miss these things so badly and I want them to come back. Obviously nice weather or a good meal makes me feel good too but it's not the same. I miss any sort of joy in my life, that used to be there but isn't anymore. It's like looking through fog and knowing things are there but you can't see them anymore or reach them
But pushing yourself, and trying to MAKE it be a positive is just never going to make it happen love. Sometimes you have to just accept how things are FOR NOW and then ride through to the better times. You're appointment is coming closer and that will help love. You've got this.
Butterfly
18-02-21, 09:09 PM
Seems likely... it's just so hard to accept that things are the way they are right now and that it'll not change for a while. There's just no escape from my thoughts - at the moment.
I'm glad my appointment's getting closer and I hope that's going to be a step in the right direction. Thank you for all this support xx
On a postive note, I bought my mum's birthday present today and wrapped it in. I hope she'll like it ;)
OO when's her birthday? What did you get her?
Have you written a bullet point list to take to the Drs with you in case you find it difficult to remember everything to say to them?
Butterfly
19-02-21, 02:48 PM
Her birthday is today (inlove) I got her her favourite perfume xx
Yes I have written a bullet point list, shortly after I'd made the appointment. I think it'll help with being less nervous and having the most important points written down xx
Happy birthday to your lovely Mum! She's got a good time to have a birthday ;)
Well done on making that list. I know it's tough, but it's so important. Have you thought of asking your Mum to go with you?
It’ll definitely help, well done lovely, it can a challenge writing it down but means you can tell the doctor how it really is
Butterfly
19-02-21, 09:43 PM
Thank you guys xx We've had a lovely day! I love my mum, she's my biggest treasure and I'm so so grateful to have her. I hope one day I'm going to be an amazing mum as she is (talk)
I did asked her a few days ago whether she can come along and she said she can do that if it would make me feel better. I'm sort of "looking forward" to the appointment as it means a good move in the right direction but obviously it makes me nervous too. I aspire to get better one day, live the life the way I hope and aspire the things I want... that's my goal (panda)
That's brilliant for you to feel comfortable enough for her to come with you...
Butterfly
20-02-21, 05:48 PM
I'll definitely feel morw comfortable when she's with me. I trust her with most of the things and it's good to have her by my side.
It's been an okay day yesterday actually. However as usual after an alright day, I usually feel lower the next day - just like today. I don't know what to do, it felt so good to be okay yesterday...
Then what have you done today that is positive for you? Something of self care or spending time with your Mum?
Butterfly
20-02-21, 08:10 PM
I went out for a small walk and then got some stuff for making dinner tomorrow... am watching a movie now with my parents and have been calling my friend earlier that day xx
It sounds like you are doing well today keeping doing different things etc What movie are you watching?
Sounds exactly what you needed :)
Morning lovely, hope today is a brighter one for you.
Butterfly
21-02-21, 01:06 PM
We've been watching a comedy movie, exactly what was needed (nod)
I'm struggling again today but it's lovely weather outside so I'll try and go for a walk later today xx
Hooray for comedy!
Do try to go for that walk, it will help lovely..
Butterfly
21-02-21, 06:23 PM
I did manage to go out for a walk, it was lovely.
I'm not feeling horrible today but not great either. Still quite on the egde if I'm honest...
Well done on going out for the walk. Glad you're not feeling horrible... Keep talking lovely....
I’m glad you got out. It all helps, love
Butterfly
21-02-21, 08:09 PM
Going for a walk always makes me feel better physically by the end of the day. Mentally, not so much. It does help to clear my mind but here I am, full of bad thoughts again. Scared and worried and unable to enjoy anything, any second of the day. I'm dreading each day because each day that goes by I haven't done anything I want to accomplish, I still am not enjoying anything and have no new passion and also I am so scared to loose those I love.
Have you thought about calling a helpline to talk through these thoughts?
Butterfly
22-02-21, 05:24 PM
I'm always a bit scared when it comes to phone calls, especially to strangers. It's so hard to explain these thoughts.... sometimes I don't even know what exactly is up. There are so many struggles, it even turned into OCD features if I might say that. All those struggles and worries and envy etc. have made me avoid numbers and letters and words because I'm scared the use of them will cause more harm... there's so much in my head...
Here we have text lines too like SHOUT where you can get trained help and support but all through text. Would something like that be of use for you?
In what way do you think it's OCD?
Butterfly
22-02-21, 10:13 PM
I've heard about the Shout helpline but haven't found yet whether it exists in Germany too. It definitely would make me feel calmer because it just feels easier by text.
It's because of seeing certain numbers and letters as bad and causing harm. I try to avoid them and there are many letters and numbers who? to me, seem unsafe to use.
So many thoughts to overcome
How about web chats or email services?
Butterfly
23-02-21, 07:12 AM
That sounds like a good plan. I'll try and look out what the opportunities are for this, thank you for this advice xx
I had an okay sleep. Having a lot of unwanted thoughts and feelings, am scared and just hope the day goes by soon...
Does this help at all?
https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-de
Hope today gets brighter for you.
Butterfly
23-02-21, 05:58 PM
That sounds good.. I'll give it a try, thank you so much xx
It got a bit better during the day xx
So glad it got brighter during your day love. That's really fabulous! Another day closer to your Doctors appointment.
Butterfly
24-02-21, 11:35 AM
That's a good thing to look forward too, I'm a bit nervous but it'll help. Going on like this isn't a good solution. To lead a life so full of envy, worry etc. isn't good. I wish I could be someone else, no one's life is perfect - specifically not those we see on social media but I just wish I could be someone else
Well, I think you’re just right for being you - and I like who you are :)
Butterfly
24-02-21, 07:03 PM
Thank you (panda)
I mean my life isn't bad apart from the mental health issues. I've got a lovely family, a safe home and we're financially stable. And I feel so guilty for saying this. But I wish I had someone else's life... which isn't a picture-perfect life either but I'd love to have the life of someone else. And not live this life I don't want... have all those thoughts I can't escape from. I hate this so so much. I feel like it only gets worse, I can't enjoy ANYTHING anymore and it breaks me. I wish I could at least stop caring about small issues but it just doesn't work out
Is this "just" because of the depression or are there other things going on?
Butterfly
25-02-21, 11:43 AM
I'm not sure... I'm a massive worrier and can't make my mind shut up about the future. Instead of just letting things happen and enjoying them, and seeing what the future will bring, I already worry about things in like 10-20 years time. I have no idea where that orginates from but it's making me go mad. Maybe that's why I wish to simply lead somebody else's life
Have you tried mindfulness or meditation at all?
Hunni, I don’t think having someone else’s life is going to stop you worrying. Most of us worry, I’m horrendous for that, it’s just how we manage that worry that matters. As Suzi says, mindfulness or meditation can be extremely beneficial. I only really started 18 months ago but it’s made such a difference for me
Butterfly
26-02-21, 05:15 PM
Yes I do some meditation in the evening, listening to relaxing stuff, and it definitely helps to calm me down and make me feel more relaxed. I also am occasionally doing the "5 things I can see etc" thing when my thoughts are overwhelming.
I'm glad it has helped others too, it's good to hear others having good experiences and help as well.
I mean I know that most people worry too. It's just that - I compared myself so much to others and whilst I know that this isn't a healthy way of thinking, it happens automatically. I see others, specifically celebs I like, and am thinking "Obviously they're satisfied and happy, look at how much they've archived. How good their life seems. How strong and brave they are. I'll never be like them." and no matter how hard I try to tell me that they've got struggles too, that not everything they do needs to me done by myself too, I don't get happier. I avoid looking at social medi at all but my head's still full of thoughts and they just increase esch day because deep down I know that I'll never be even close to being similar as them. I'll never be brave or archive anything to be pro of myself or others will admire. I'll never be good enough
You are already good enough, love. It breaks my heart to see someone my daughter’s age who thinks like that about themselves...
Hunni, what you see in the media of the lives of celebrities isn't how things are. If it was then we wouldn't have lost legends like Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Kurt Cobain etc etc You never know the battles someone is having behind closed doors love....
Butterfly
26-02-21, 10:03 PM
I mean that's true and deep down I know that too - so many celebs have ended their life far too soon and no one knows how someone's truly feeling. And though I deep down know that, my mind can help and cause these thoughts to repeat over and over again in my head. It's like a little voice that holds me back from enjoying anything. Too much envy, too much comparing, never feeling like I actually did something well or good.
Do you know where this all started? When you began to feel that you weren't as good as others etc?
Butterfly
27-02-21, 11:23 AM
I'm not sure. I think it properly started becoming this bad around half a year ago. Before that I also struggled with that among other things but not as bad as now
Was there any trigger that you can think of?
Butterfly
27-02-21, 01:06 PM
If I'm honest, then I can't think of an exact trigger. I mean I've always been a huge overthinker and used to compare myself a lot to others but never as bad as the past few months. It feels like I CAN'T be happy ever again if I don't manage what my idols did.. which is an unhealthy way of thinking as many things will be out of my control, but I already know that this thought is eating me up
I'm sorry you're feeling like this hunni, but you really do come across as a lovely, kind, intelligent and wonderful person. I wish you could see what we saw in you
Butterfly
27-02-21, 09:04 PM
Thank you, that's lovely of you xx
I wish I could see rhe bright side of things too but it just don't work out. I see others I look up to and almost immediately feel bad and unhappy
I'm just glad about my appointment on Monday xx
I'm glad the appointment is almost here for you too. Have you written your list of things to talk to them about?
Butterfly
28-02-21, 07:09 PM
Yes I have, all is prepared for tomorrow xx
Will be thinking of you, hunni
Will you let us know how you get on with it love?
Butterfly
28-02-21, 08:49 PM
Thank you so much (panda)
I'll let you know how it went tomorrow evening xx
Thank you lovely. Will be thinking of you x
Strugglingmum
28-02-21, 09:27 PM
All the best for tomorrow. X
Good luck for today.(bear)
Hope it goes well today lovely x
Butterfly
01-03-21, 04:41 PM
Thank you guys xx It went okay. He asked a few questions and I told him several things, all from my list. I also explained how long this has been going on and that it got worse recently and that I'm taking plant-based meds. He said that's okay but he's not a big fan of meds actually because he always wants to go the way of talking therapy first. He then wrote down several therapists, saying that one of them is specifically good with people my age and he can only recommend him. Having an appointment again next month to speak about how things have been progressing.
If I'm honest and though I'm glad that I've managed this step, I feel even worse now. I don't even know why. I just feel so bad, like crying. Why can my mind never shut up, why keep things getting worse and worse and why can't I enjoy the smallest things any longer and instead am feeling so much envy and the unhealthy nees to copy everything they do to feel happy? I just want to hide in a dark room forever and wait because nothing will ever change at all, no matter what I do
I'm so proud of you for going and talking to him. It's going to have a huge impact on you though as you've opened up and talked about how things are. You need to be kind to you tonight and for the next few days.
Are you going to call the therapist that they've suggested?
Oh love, it really is normal to feel like that after opening up to a medical professional. I’m so proud of you for today. Please, please be kind to you, you deserve it (panda)
Butterfly
01-03-21, 08:47 PM
I'll definitely be contacting the therapist that he suggested. He's nearby too so not too far away either.
I just feel so low. Like I know that one talk doesn't improves things but I just feel so low and at the end. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to cry it out until I'm run out of tears but that won't help either. I'm really really missing something to cheer me up today
Strugglingmum
02-03-21, 09:08 AM
I know you may feel low after talking to your doctor but honestly it is such a positive step. Well done
Sweetheart what you've done is huge. You've been to see someone you don't know well and you've told them all this negative stuff about how you see yourself and how you are feeling... It's going to knock you as you've finally been able to acknowledge what isn't right and that is so difficult to do.
Butterfly
02-03-21, 03:48 PM
Thank you xx
It's just that I feel like I have no idea why to keep going. All I held onto is out of my life and I'm just living for my family because I can't bear the thought of leaving them heartbroken. All I found pleasure in is gone, causes so much sadness and unwanted thoughts and I feel like I'm going mad. How am I ever supposed to get at least some small joy back in my life if something as little as a favourite band causes the opposite?
Life will get better. It may take a while to find the right therapist and or medication combination. In the meantime, keep talking on here and be kind to yourself. Many of us know how hard it is to feel so awful, take things one day at a time x
Arty is totally right. It will take time lovely, you have to be kind to you and allow you to heal...
Butterfly
03-03-21, 03:23 PM
Thank you all (panda)
It's easiee to take one day at a time, sometimes it just feels like such a huge mountain to climb. Like something holds me back to get access to this happiness.
On a positive note, I'll be watching a nice tv show this evening as a nice treat xx
It can feel like a mountain, but every step you take is a step forward. You need to remember that this is a journey, not a sprint...
Strugglingmum
03-03-21, 09:14 PM
The mountain may feel huge but you will make it. At the moment its huge dark and scary but I promise you it does get brighter and there are some lovely beauty spots along the way.
You don't have to climb it all in one day....you can stop and rest any time you like on the way. Just enjoy today, you can plan tomorrow when you wake up in the morning. Enjoy your tv program. What is it about?
Butterfly
04-03-21, 03:49 PM
Yeah taking small steps is for the better for certain... it just feel like every step is too much. Sometimes it's so hard to even get up and ready for a new day. It feels almost impossible to even enjoy something during the day because it all seems so dark..
I watched a baking show yesterday, it's similar to the British Bake-Off xx
I'm not doing too well today, sadly. Had a long day and didn't managed a walk or so either xx
You can do this. What about going for a walk this evening? See if your Mum wants to go with you?
Butterfly
04-03-21, 08:18 PM
Didn't managed to go out for a walk. Felt too low to do that. Today's one of these days where my mind can't come to a rest, it's constantly circling around so many unwanted thoughts. I feel terrible and just want this to end. I feel like I can't take this much longer.. even if seeing a Therapist
The thing is, it's day likes this that you have to push even harder to do the things that could be positive for you. Maybe try to spend some time with your Mum?
Butterfly
05-03-21, 11:19 PM
It's just so hard, my mind doesn't come to rest and even if I try to distract myself with a walk or a nice movie or something like baking etc. I can't even finish it or pay attention because my head is so full of unwanted thoughts. It hurts to know that my mum doesn't even know what to do and sometimes I just act as if I'm okay to make her happier because I don't want to upset her
There’s a website https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/get-involved/time-talk-day that gives hints and guidance for people who have a loved one with MH issues. Perhaps your mum would like to take a look?
I agree with Paula...have a look at the website, it's very good and it will give her an understanding of what's going on.
To be honest someone who has no experience of MH illness will understand, but given the chance they can empathise...
Butterfly
06-03-21, 01:35 PM
I can definitely show her or tell her about it. The thing is.. I think she understands and wants to help but she says it can be so unpredictable and sometimes thw thoughts I have seem to be so overwhelming that she's got no idea how to make them ease. I just hate to feel like this, like I can't breathe freely.
My mind is on constant battles with feeling like I'll nevee be happy again if I don't follow what others did. It's such nonsense and deep down I know it but my brain can't stop. It's like it's cursed and like an addiction to copy my idols as a purpose to feel better - because if I don't, I'll be unable to ever enjoy them again, as they did better and are obviously happier due to what they've managed to do.
My brain is a messy place these days
Can you talk to her about things that help bring you back to the present - things like the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise or some breathing exercises etc? Maybe you could put together a pack with some different things in there to try?
How are you seeing what these celebrities are up to? Is it obsessively checking on social media? Could you try unfollowing them all and giving yourself a bit of a detox? Or only allowing yourself 10 mins to see what they are doing?
Butterfly
06-03-21, 06:45 PM
Yeah I've told her about the breathing exercises. They've really helped me to calm down and relax, it's calming to listen to stuff like this too. That sounds like a good idea, so ylu mean like a 'feel good' pack? xx
I wouldn't say it's obsessively checking, it's rather my mind trying to tell me that they're happier and have done better at many things. A detox sounds good and I'm attempting to come off them a bit, but the thoughts are still there and it just eats me up because it feels so unnecessary.
Yeah something like that idea... One of our members in the past has put together a crisis box with:
something in it to listen to - she used audio books as she found them calming,
something to taste - some special chocolate
something to touch - a special scarf or piece of material
something to do - some mandala colouring
A list of emergency contact numbers too.
It might be something to think about?
Butterfly
07-03-21, 12:56 PM
That sounds great. I remember the method of naming 5 things I can see etc. and that also is a great way of calming down.
I've tried things like colouring or audio books (Meditation) before too and it's definitely relaxing. The thoughts just don't go away, they're always in the back of my mind and just wait to attack agsin. I really really want this to stop, I can't think straight anymore. I just want something to make it stop
Another technique which can help is that you tell yourself to stop when you think those thoughts. Even if you have to say it out loud....
Butterfly
07-03-21, 06:59 PM
I'm definitely doing my best to do do, it's just so hard to stop my own mind from having so much thoughts. So much unnecessary thoughts on top of that... It's just getting too much. I feel so so hopeless that this will ever stop again and that there'll ever be a free mind again..
It will stop and you will be free of these thoughts. I hate that you are waiting on therapy, but hold on in there, love, and keep talking - to us, to your mum, to any support lines you can access....
Paula's completely right lovely...
Butterfly
08-03-21, 09:03 AM
I know... it's just so scary. I do have an appointment with my doctor again at the start of next month to see how things are going. It's just so hard to talk when I know deep down thst my thoughts are unnecessary and that I would feel better if I just stop having thesw thoughts. But they don't disappear, they're bothering me every second of the day.
I had a rubbish night of sleep, barely actually got sleep at all and am so tired today.. I don't want this anymore, really not..
If it's affecting you that much love, can you chase up the therapy appointment and make one closer to now? What about going back and explaining this to your Dr?
Butterfly
08-03-21, 04:28 PM
That sounds like a plan. I've been speaking to my mum too and she said I might should search a new therapist who's able to have appointments closer together and for which we doesn't need to pay ourselves (I don't know the System in UK but in Germany you either pay yourself or your insurance (?) pays it. Hard to explain.) so I'll look into things as soon as possible.
Had a particular hard day today, my thoughts been playing mad and they're not coming to rest. Seems like there's no escape anymore... my brain is like, either I have to copy my idols to be satisfied or I have to forget what made me happy. Then there's so much jealousy and hate I feel... wondering why I can't start caring less and do what I just WANT. I feel like everything around me is just passing by; school, shows, days, amd regardless of what I do, it doesn't stop and gets worse.
Only positive thing: I'll have one of my favourite meals today x
Definitely listen to your Mum and try some other options who could help sooner.
Can you try telling yourself to stop these thoughts?
What is your favourite meal?
Butterfly
09-03-21, 12:19 PM
I mean I can try but they still don't stop. It's like an obsessive addiction though I'm by no means a Stalker or something. It's just annoying and I WANT it to stop and enjoy stuff I liked but I can't because there's no many obsessive thoughts.
My favourite meal is wraps (rofl) with loads of vegetables
Yummy!
Keep trying love, it gets easier the more you do it...
What have you been doing today? Any plans?
Butterfly
09-03-21, 04:09 PM
I really am trying, it's just so difficult..
I've been doing school/college stuff today, will have a meal now and then take a nice bath xx
I know it's hard love, I don't mean to make it sound like it's easy....
Hope you have a lovely meal and bath x
Butterfly
10-03-21, 11:46 AM
It's definitely not easy... I did enjoy the meal and the bath but cried afterwards and had such a rubbish evening overall. I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper into the misery each day until there's no way out anymore
What’s happening with therapy?
Sweetheart I really think you should think about going back to the Dr and telling them how much worse you are feeling.... And chase up the therapy.
Butterfly
10-03-21, 07:16 PM
Next appointment would be next month.. that's not too far away but still feels so long. Maybe I should speak to my doctor again and tell him how things are developing...
I think keeping a good relationship with your Dr is a really good idea. At least then they know how things really are.
Definitely talk to your doctor. Things definitely seem to be worse than when you last saw them....
I agree with suzi, try and get to see your doctor and tell him how you're feeling, he's there to help and support you.
Butterfly
11-03-21, 03:08 PM
I will speak to him, definitely. It's not easy but it's even worse to go on like this. Every day feels like torture and like there's no purpose to go on... time for a good movie today and some relaxing to hopefully ease my mind a bit
Will you call tomorrow to see if you can book an appointment?
Butterfly
12-03-21, 05:45 PM
Called my doctor earlier and asked him if we could do my appointment sooner, explained him a bit of the situation. He said the soonest he's available is Monday in two weeks (22nd I mean) and that for now he'd recommend going for walks, listening to calming things and definitely contracting a new therapist who might has appointments closer together xx He was very lovely about all xx Next step is contracting the therapist he recommened xx
I thought you had contacted the therapist he recommended? Definitely do it as soon as you can lovely. Well done for calling the Dr and being open and honest with them.
Butterfly
12-03-21, 10:08 PM
Ah no, I didn't do that yet. He had recommend him to me at thw previous appointment and I planned to contact him but didn't managed it yet. I had written to a different therapist several weeks ago but he never answered. So this new recommend therapist is the one I'll contact next, hoping for the best.
It's just never easy to make that call even when having some notes.. but I just set it as my goal now
That’s a good plan, love, you’re trying to do this with absolutely no help atm, which will be contributing to the downward spiral....
Definitely try to get that call made asap lovely.
Butterfly
18-03-21, 03:23 PM
I made the call. Good news first: the appointment is quite soon, at the start of April. So roughly two more weeks and she said it'll be possible to have them as close together as possible, if not in person then by video call or phone call if I don't want videos.
Bad news: I'm feeling rubbish mentally. The past few days, despite contacting the Therapist, have been a huge struggle. I know it's a huge step and a good one too but I just feel so overwhelmed, it only get worse and worse and every inch of happiness is fading. Every time I think I'm over something, ut just comes back even worse because my mind can't rest for one second. So much thoughts and so much stuff going on in my head, I keep telling myself it's all not worth to think about but my mind doesn't let me stop
Well done for getting that sorted. It’s not surprising, though, that you’re finding things a struggle - it’s a difficult decision to make in making plans to open up your head to a stranger. But, this is a good thing, a necessary thing, and I’m proud of you for making that call!
Well done on making that call! That's great that you've done that and sorted your appointment.
Why haven't you been posting if you have been feeling so bad lovely?
Butterfly
18-03-21, 09:59 PM
Yeah it wasn't easy but I'm just glad it's done now and out of my head for a bit. I'm not a big fan of making phone calls when it's not with family or friends.
I was too low for posting anything if I'm honest. I try to come off my phone a bit to stop myself having bad thoughts and the need of copying etc. but it didn't work out and I feel as if I'm making everything worse each day. I just don't want to go on anymore... if it doesn't stop, then there's no point in fighting anymore. This is no life anymore, it's just torture
This will end and you will be able to be happy again, you have to remember than you didn't get this poorly overnight, so it's not going to get better overnight either. I don't understand why your Dr is just telling you to get therapy if you are telling them how bad things really are. Are you sleeping? Eating? Drinking? Still going for walks?
OldMike
19-03-21, 08:45 AM
Things will get better, as Suzi said it doesn't happen overnight and can be a long process but you will get there.
Does your doctor know you’re having thoughts of not wanting to be here? Truthfully??
Butterfly
19-03-21, 12:16 PM
I'm sleeping okay. Sleeping is the only thing that brings some peace at the moment. I also go for walks every now and then...
My doctor knows about the thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, I've told him at the first appointment. He said it's a common "side effect" but I should try and find something to hold onto so it keeps me going through the day. He said I also should tell the therapist about that immediately.
He's right, it is important to tell the therapist you go to....
Can you try to get out for a walk every day? Or do an exercise class online at home? Something similar to that?
Butterfly
19-03-21, 03:31 PM
I will tell the therapist for certain.. it's not easy to speak about but it's for the better.
I always go for long walks on weekends too, during school/work days it's small walks every now and then, though not daily. As for exercising, I do a lot of breathing exercises with listening to calming things; specifically in the afternoon
Don't forget you can always write a bullet list?
Those are great thing to do to help yourself. What about trying something like mindfulness or meditation?
Butterfly
20-03-21, 02:04 PM
Definitely am keeping my bullet list close by for the appointments. About mindfulness and medication, I also am trying that out. I think it does help in a way to get more calm. Doesn't take away the bad thoughts but definitely helps.
The bad thoughts however are so overwhelming again today. Will be going for a walk later on and taking a bath too but it's just getting too much and I want it to stop..
Can you tell yourself to stop the thoughts, and to make yourself focus on something different?
How often are you trying mindfulness? Only if it’s not regular, ie daily, you don’t get the full benefits of retraining your brain to push the bad thoughts to one side...
It does work much better if it's something you practise regularly - at least daily....
Butterfly
21-03-21, 05:58 PM
@Suzi: It's very hard to stop myself having these thoughts. It's a bit like an addiction, even if that sounds bad. I do try and keep my mind busy with other things, like tv or cooking, but in the end it always comes back to the usual subjects and I feel as if my mind will never let go of them.
I must admit, I'm not doing the mindfulness daily. I know it's better to do it daily, I'm trying, sometimes I'm just so demotivated to do anything. Will be doing my best to do it daily now and not just every 2 days or so. The bad thoughts get a bit overwhelming again after they were okay during Friday and Saturday too.
Hunni, I know it's hard to stop. But the more you can force yourself to stop and change your thoughts then the easier it becomes. It's incredibly tough and won't change overnight, but I promise you it's worth doing....
It's even more important when things are becoming overwhelming...
Believe me, I get how hard it is to dampen those thoughts down but mental training in the form of mindfulness, and other things, do make a difference. But only you can do that training. And your motivation has to be that you want to get better.....
Butterfly
24-03-21, 08:10 PM
It's a huge struggle as I always feel like needing to think until finding a solution or answer so I keep thinking and thinking and it usually ends bad. I'm trying my best to do mindfulness etc. daily. Repeating affirmations. Going for walks... it's such a long way to go and I wish I'd be certain that it all will stop one day.
Sweetheart you are doing all the right things by using things like mindfulness, going for a walk, affirmations etc You are doing brilliantly. The more you keep on doing these things the more it'll help...
Hi, there is an app. called Woebot that you may find useful, it is CBT based. Maybe give it a go if you can access it? x
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