Anxiety & Depression Hell..*TRIGGERS*

[Amaya]

It seems to me like you are one sort of person inside, living in a world that expects you to be another kind of person. I think if you change your life, whether that involves changes to one or all of the following: where you live, where you work, your friends, family, your hobbies, where you go out, or if you go out drinking at all.. then you will have a chance to be who you really are. You might need professional support to deal with the self esteem issues, but you could lose a lot of the stress and negative reinforcement by just doing something else completely. Sorry if I am repeating myself a bit from what I have said before. Your environment is toxic for you. There is nothing wrong with you apart from how you feel about yourself.. but feeling like that keeps you doing things that reflect badly on you, like kissing the wrong girl etc. and this just reinforces the bad way you feel. Same with the drinking.

I would say just stop doing the things that you know are bad for you. Start doing something that are different. Sport club instead of night club.. for example. There will be a difficult inbetween period where you won't know if you will ever make a new social circle.. but it will slowly grow and you will be able to make a fresh start and act the way you want to instead of dealing with the bull that you have around you now. You can be yourself.

It is really cheesy and probably kinda annoying to read, but a therapist said it to me once: If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you have always had. Time to switch it up. For those things you want for yourself.. you can have them

Not sure what the situation with your brother and mum needs.. probably he should be kicked out. But if that is not possible, maybe you two could move house. Maybe you could live on your own. All I know is I read your posts and I think you gotta change it all. Get some control back over the basic things in your life and see a therapist for the internal things you can't change alone.

(Do ignore me if my advice doesn't help, it is a bit strong I know, it is just my opinion and I was hoping it would help.)