I've been to about 5 psychiatrists and they all say about the same thing. That one was an exact quote. I was in despair and had attempted suicide at that time. I was crying when I left. How do you fix nothing wrong when you know something's wrong? That's when I started thinking that if it isn't mental, then, what is it?

This is my problem. When I am with people or am working on anything, I am okay. It's when I disengage that all these thoughts start flooding my head. If something just happened, it would be about that and if not I think my brain looks for something trying to solve it. Like those days when you're worried about something, but you can't figure out what it is. And you start going through all the things that might be worrying you. It's like the worry is there in your face first, and your brain is trying to figure out why. And thinking about what could be worrying you starts worrying you for real.

On May 21 2006 I stopped doing just about everything except going to one bar (no computer, little driving). The bar had great seats. Arm rests, padded seat and 360-swivel. On Sept 11, it was gone. I felt ungripped. After 35 years. It was freeing. All my cynicism, fog, thinking was gone. It was a life change. I bought my laptop. Buying clothes. Doing stuff for the house. Everything wasn't a struggle/what's the point. By December 18, I wrote in a blog that I could feel it creeping back in and I don't want to go back there, again.

I believe I stress out my face/body and when I get alone and my face is disengaged/healing it mimics emotions that start the thoughts coming. The thoughts are as maddening as they were. But it's them being brought to me as a possible reason for the feeling that puts that thought on my mind and not just in my mind and support the feeling.

The only good thing I can say about it is that it gets a lot of work done for me trying to avoid it. Even if I think that exacerbates the problem, itself.