Thank you Suzi and Butterfly. You are both right. I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to just focus on the important things in life like my 2 kids. My ds overtook me in height last year. I can't believe I have a 14.5 year old already. He's such a lovely boy and has a great personality. He has great friendships and generally seems really happy with life. DD I worry about. She just turned 12 and I worry that she could be inheriting some of mine and dh MH genes. She often becomes withdrawn. She's very hormonal at the moment and finding things hard. She knows she can talk to me about anything and we often do have chats. She is so kind and gentle. I feel so bad that she often sees me sad. I try hard not to show it Infront of her but she knows. I am grateful that their school seem to have a good pshe programme and they have both covered mh etc. They understand what depression and anxiety is. Hopefully with schools help we can stamp out the stigma. There was such a stigma when I was at school. It just wasn't talked about. I was depressed when in high school but I didn't know about depression them because it was never talked about. A lot of my problems stem back from trauma I experienced in school. I have a negative image of myself because I was constantly reminded of how horrible I looked. Because of this I have never learnt to love myself. When so many people bully you because of your appearance you then start to believe them and have doubts about yourself. I have doubts about myself in so many situations. I find it very hard to accept praise and compliments because I think they are lying or just pretending to be kind. I've recently got back into crochet. It's the one thing keeping me distracted. When people say I'm so talented I find it hard to accept and say things like I just followed a pattern or tutorial. I know I need to change this pessimism and turn it around. I know I need to start being more positive. I know it's time I need to start liking myself. Why is it so hard. Sorry for the long post. I just wrote as thoughts came to my head