Oh Mira. I am so sorry you are so sad.
I wish I could wave a wand and take the pain away.
I wish you could see all the positives I see in you.
I know that drive to SH and I know how overwhelming and compelling it can be. Then we give in and the guilt becomes another negative to beat ourselves up with.
Breaking the cycle is so hard and at times seems impossible, but please hang in there, keep engaging in therapy, keep taking the meds but most of all know that you are cared for.
There are people.... I am one..... whose lives are made better because of your presence. I wish i could hug you better but i cant, please be kind to you, please dont hurt my friend, please learn to think kind thoughts of him.