I found a local mental health charity advertising that they have some councelling available. I've messaged them today and someone will call me tomorrow.
DH knows how I am. He's been saying for some time now that I really need to get this sorted. My kids must know. They can see me complaining about headaches all the time etc. I was going through a phase of having a drink almost every night to calm myself down. I was drinking wine or beer or spirits. I would say this went on for a good few months. Not excessive drinking but enough to take the edge off my feelings and calm me down. I would think it could take my headaches away. But I was kidding myself because I know it made them worse. Anyway my ds discovered that on my tablets box it says do not drink alcohol. He knew I was having the odd drink. He's hidden every bit of alcohol I had left in the house. There isn't that much left but sometimes when I feel I really need it I can't find it. I even ordered myself another bottle of whisky on Amazon a couple of months ago but he discovered it and hid it. It's awful because I felt I was becoming reliant on it. I did mention it to the gp a few times before lockdown but they didn't seem too concerned. It was only in the evenings and not too much because I had to drive the next day. However during lockdown at the beginning I was drinking more because I wasn't driving anywhere. I think ds did save me before this habit got worse. But I have found it hard not being able to have a drink to calm myself down. I feel so selfish complaining. I feel wrong to feel this way. Almost ashamed of myself. Even my closest friends don't really know how I am feeling. I'm scared to open up for fear of judgement and people thinking I'm being silly. It's easier not to. It's easier to pretend everything is ok. Sorry for going on. I'm just writing how I am feeling