I feel lost *AB TRIGGER WARNING*

[liv21098]

After she died I lived with my grandparents. Two days before she died I went to stay with them as she had a major blip with her bipolar and tried to strangle (as I spoke about). I'm unsure if I would have been living with them whether she had died or not as she said she didn't want me back and I was scared to live with her again. This was just over 5 years ago which feels weird to say as it feels like this never happened. I have never seen or spoken to a doctor about this. My family doctor (who my mother went to about her bipolar) asked me grandmother about 3/4 years ago if I wanted bereavement counseling. I went to it for a little while but it wasn't really useful. They tried to do creative things like decorating photo frames and drawing pictures which I felt was too childish at my age, although I'm sure they do help some people! It didn't really help because it was focusing on the wrong thing. Of course, the fact she died is very sad but that's not the part that really affects me. We obviously spoke about how she treated me but she was qualified to focus on the bereavement side of it and nothing else.

Also a lot of stuff like not remembering a lot of things that happened when she was alive, the emotional flashbacks and triggers have only come about over the last year or so ago. When I had bereavement counselling I didn't struggle with these things.

[Paula]

So, you’re 18 then? Are you still living with your grandparents?

Hunni, I think it’s really important that you go and talk to your doctor about all this. If it’s tough to say how you feel, you can print out your posts here to show them. I also think you should ask about specialist support eg counselling. You deserve to get help, you deserve to feel better

Just a note, I’ve merged your two most recent posts as they were posted very close together. Please try not to double post

[liv21098]

I went to the doctor earlier today. After not being able to remember a lot of my life when I lived with her things started to come back - not about her in particular but the living conditions and the way the house was. Normally there is no emotion by the memories, but all of a sudden these memories did. I began to be able to see them and all of a sudden everything would go blurry, my heart would start beating fast and I would have to hold onto something. Each day has been getting worse. I went in and he asked me how I was and I began to cry. I started to explain and his first question was, 'Do you still live with your mother?'. When I said no he remembered and just seemed confused. He thought I was just concerned that I could no longer remember much about her, particularly when I said the fact I can't remember much doesn't bother me, it's more when I am able to remember things. He asked me so many times if she was violent towards me, each time I said yes but he was still confused. He said I had already had bereavement counseling so he doesn't know what more I can do. When I said her death isn't really the problem he just raised his eyebrows. Why can't people understand that that is just a very small part of a very long story? It wasn't my punishment but my way out. He just kept looking through a book with lots of different instructions and numbers to call and just kept saying - 'I don't know what to do'. He particularly emphasised that the fact that the abuse is not going on anymore meant that there were lots of things he couldn't do for me. He stared at this number for ages and then said - 'well...there is this number here but it is for domestic abuse which I guess yours would fit under but I'll just phone them to check'. He has referred me to someone specialising in domestic abuse but I feel utterly embarrassed. I'm afraid something will be said to my grandmother as he sees her often. It took a lot for me to go today and I thought I'd come out feeling better but I've actually just come out worse and feel that again it is much easier to pretend it never happened. It seems as if no one can look beyond the fact that she's dead and that that must be the cause of all of my problems yet regardless of whether that happened or not I'd still feel this way.

[Paula]

Don’t be embarrassed, lovely, be very proud that you’ve done what is often the hardest bit by admitting that there’s something wrong and asking for help. However, I am appalled at what your doctor has said. Trauma like you’ve suffered causes all sorts of issues and is rarely gone just because the person has gone. As a doctor, he should know that. And telling you he didn’t know how to help you is just a cop out, and unacceptable although I’m glad he finally decided to refer you to someone dealing with domestic abuse......

As for feeling worse, unfortunately it’s often the case that opening up to someone can initially make you feel a lot worse. Reliving the trauma as you have is exhausting and draining. So please, hunni, try to be kind to you and rest.