Hello Everybody i hope everyone is good
My name is Andrea and i am 22 years old. Here is my depression journey
Last year may 13th i turned 21 and i woke up on my birthday feeling like my life was one big failure and i felt like my life was over. I felt like a failure because i never had a job , never had a boyfriebd abd kept getting 2.2s . These feelijgs were really bothing me.
June- august (summer period) : These feelings continued to drag througght out these months. The feelings made me lose my confidence. I volunteered as a gateway assessor at a citizens advice in richmond . I was nervous talijg to the clients . This is unusal i because i am a confident person and i find it easy ti talk to people. I just struggled woth advising the clients. After the placement ended i began to realise i cant handle the world of work . My mum boyfriend moved in and his spolit brat son would stay over. The led to arguments in the family. The arugmebtd were based on the fact my sister and i would not play with him. The boy is annoying and he lies a lot which gets other people in trouble .My mum would say hurtful things. It was like she cared about her boyfriend happiness than me.
September- Ocotober: I returned to university . I was not the same. Beofre all this i loved academia , reading and i was confident in my beliefs/ ideas. During these months i began to doubt my ideas, opinions this made it harder for me to focus on my assigments. I felt like whatever i wrote was not good enough. The fear of getting a 2.2 made it worse. Soemtikes i wiild break down crying in public. At this stage i considered sucide becaise i feared growiing up and did not want to deal with it anymore. I talked to my nan and my nan luaged when i was depressed. Seeing how sucxessful people i went to school with worsened these feelings.
November-Demcember: j was struggling with assigments and i was beloeved i failed everything. The argumrbts with my mum over a her relationship with her bf started becoming exposive. Most days i thought of sucide and planned to kill myself on my next birthday. I was serious about it. I saw death as the only way to escape the pressure. I could not see myself having a future anymore.
January: Days before my equity and trusts exam i was sucidal and depressed because i believed i was never going to be happy again. During the exam i struggled to answer the questions or give detalied answers. I felt like it was all over i was going to fail my degree. I flipped over the table and stromed out the exam. It felt so liberating. Only tell i calmed down i realksed this is serious. I lied to my family saying the exam went well and they were proud of me
Janury 15: i went to the gp to get a note for my exanauting circumstabce claim. The gp and i talked about my feelings. I filled in a questionnaire . I was diagnaosed with moderste depression. When i was digansed it was a sense of releif because i always knew i was not normal. I was using unicveristy wellbeing serivices and they were supportive and helpful. They helped me better manage my negative thoughts. I lied to my family about my lectured being longer when acualky i was in a conselling session.
After January The assigments i thought i failed i got a 2.1s in them. I was now on track to get a 2.1 . I was happy. I began to feel my depression was fake because i was experenicing happiness and so functional.
February -May :During this period i aslo exeprienced feelings of anger, self doubt and just being ashamed of my life in gerneral. I planned to kill mysled after gradauting. I used all thst shame to motivate me to work harder in my final exams and assignents.
July gradauted with a 2.1 in law . I could not he happy about my own gradaution. I felt gulity for gradauting becaise they were people in my class who really wanted to gradaute but are going to. My close friend did not graduate and i fslt she was more deserving than me.
I went to gp early august they said depression is a not forever diagnois.i wanted them to remove the diagnois of my recoreds. They said they cant.
I am not nornal enough or crazy enough which was why i wanted the diagnois removed.
Currebtly i am not sufferjng any symptoms and feel normal.
Can depression come and go.
I feel so fake.
Mwntal health awarebess campaigns made me feel like my expereince witg depression was not real.