Hello Striker, welcome to the forum.

I can understand the many questions you have. I have a lot of them myself. I do want to say you are doing great in seeking help and dealing with these issues. Taking that step is not easy and shows character.

When people get hurt they can sometimes say things they do not mean or say things out of anger. So I think the best thing to do now is focus on your journey. And doing that just for you. Whatever comes later will come. But getting yourself in a better place is key.

Maybe when the time is there where you get a diagnosis or a good plan on how to deal with things then things might fall into place. Untill then try to be kind to yourself. And in my experience people that keep thinking if they are a bad person or not are generaly not a bad person.