Mike, thank you so much for such nice and encouraging words.

I also faiiled with the men I tried to build up a relationship. It is heart breaking now.

There are mixed feelings of guiltness and being manipulated with my mom. Now she came to have more communication with her friends.
Of course, she maybe wants me to be with the best man in her view. And in fact it's my stupid fantasy.
But it deeply hurt me when she told me: " I pray that you will not be with X and may he find someone else".

And then I failed since the beginning. Mother is one and dearest person, but a colleague told me this:" It's not about her, but if you are willing that everything shall be ok next time, just don't tell her anything until it becomes really serious".