Hunni, you need to want to get better for you, not for some future, currently non existent, partner. That means talking to your doctor and finding other support. You’ve made a great start coming here and hopefully you’ll make some good friends, who understand and empathise with you.

I’m a bit concerned about your use of the term soulmate. I worry that you’re setting unrealistic expectations of any possible partner - expectations which no real relationship will stand up to. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and I adore him as much as he adores me. But, we’ve been through some hellish times together and that’s brought us to the brink on a couple of occasions. If we’d have started our relationship with rose tinted glasses about what ‘love’ is, we wouldn’t have made it as the expectation vs reality would have crushed us. Love isn’t, IMO, the ‘great solace that has the ability to sustain life and heal hardships’, it’s doing our very best to get through life together, good or bad, and supporting each other.