Self Injuury Awareness Day 2018 *SH Trigger*

[S deleted]

This is a subject that I find really difficult to discuss. I’ve spoken to other people who have self harmed and the reason they gave for their actions never lined up with the way I felt. I thought I was the only person who felt the way I did but after reading the NHS link Suzi posted, I feel a kind of relief. That I’m not alone and my reasons and methods are recognised issues.

For me it’s self loathing that makes me feel like I deserve to be punished. That I should hurt physically as well as mentally. I will drink excessively, binge eat foods that I know are harmful to be due to other health conditions and I have several scars upon my wrist where I have cut myself. This is really hard for me to say but in the past week alone I have carried out all of these things. Monday night I cut myself badly. The clean up operation was a big one Today I have eaten a ton of junk and I’ve been drinking. If it wasn’t for the drink I probably wouldn’t have the guts to post this now. The thing I’m most ashamed of is the cutting. It’s something I’d not done in at least 6-7 months. Eating crap and having a few beers are “socially acceptable” cos everyone does it on occasion and it’s not really visible but explaining the scars after cutting is different. It’s like after you’ve done it and the clarity returns you can’t dismiss it cos the wounds and scars remain long after and it’s so much harder to hide the evidence and explain the how and why. I don’t know how to justify it and I hate that I am weak enough to allow myself to fall back into this pattern of behaviour.