Saw a friend tonight, she knows me better than anyone. Talked to her about everything. She made me realise a few things. My BF has been seeing a counsellor and ever since then he has raved about her. The mutual friend he works with has seen the same woman. Now she has said although this counsellor is good, she is not amazing as my BF always made out. Both these discussions have led me to think that all this time my boyfriend has been trying to convince himself or even me that he is getting better. And he knows I am good for him. So in that way thinks I am too good for him and that is the pressure he is referring to. The pressure he puts on himself to be better for me.....am I making any sense? I have thought long and hard and I want to write him a letter. Not that I think it will achieve anything but I have feelings I need him to know. And I also want to leave him with something to help him on his journey to recovery. He wanted to be friends and I told him I couldn’t do that. That’s something I cannot do whilst still in love with him and I think that will be for a very long time. I am not sure whether this is sensible but it won’t feel finished to me until I do. This break up has unsettled me as there is no ‘reason’. I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control. I just hope he knows what an impact he has had on my life and how much I am going to miss that. Maybe this letter won’t get that across but I can try.

Crying myself to sleep tonight won’t change anything but it’s all I can do tonight at least......