Hmm. Guess I feel like a complete failure. An embarrassment. A joke.

I don't have a job and can't ever get a 'good' job other than unfulfilling work or catering work with my enemy - food, I'm not in education, I have NO friends whatsoever and can't seem to meet anyone my age no matter how much I've tried, I have no purpose each day, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I haven't got my own place to live, I don't even drive and I suffer with really bad depression which re-inforces my feelings that I'm a 'lazy', 'lay-about', 'loser'.

This feeling of 'not being good enough' stems back to when I was just nine years old. I've moved on from that time but every time I experience a big failure, it acts as a trigger for me to fall into depression, not eating and a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

For instance, I came out of school with all A*s and was being encouraged to study medicine. Then I was badly hurt by a friend and ended up dropping out of school to wash dishes and fell into a serious anorexia relapse. I went back to sixth form but due to my illness remarkably scraped through my A Levels. But I never went to Uni.

I over came anorexia and had such a good relationship with food that I went full circle and wanted to train as a chef! I landed on the best course in the UK and did a placement at a Michelin starred restaurant. I did really well there but when I started college, I was badly bullied by others on the course. It was devastating after having worked so hard to get past my insecurities to be knocked back. I fell into a deep depression and no job compared to the opportunity I had been given.

The trigger this time was feeling not good enough whilst volunteering in Bosnia two summer's back. The community leader was manipulative and this was further re-inforced by me not joining the Convent in India last January.

Since then, things went from bad to worse.