I'm struggling to fill my days. Physically, I've become too weak to work (no pity here as it's mostly self-inflicted) and my energy levels peak for an hour or so but then I'm depleted. I did the ironing the other day for an hour or so and had to lie down on the bed for a while before returning to it. I also get really dizzy in the shower and struggle to muster up the strength to clean the bath out after having one. I take short little walks through the day to help boost the old mood but my legs get wobbly and all I do to attempt to fix that is drink a can of sugar-free diet coke?

Mentally, I'm washed out. Sometimes, I can still appear to be alright and even just totally fine to others... but I'm finding more and more that I'm just getting overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Like yesterday, I couldn't even tie a cushion on a garden chair and sometimes I can't be bothered with washing the dishes. It's like an overwhelming sense of 'I absolutely could not give a crap about this and I absolutely can not do it'.

These reasons have been why I've finally accepted my inability to be at work. (As much as I want to work, I have easily had over 25 jobs this last year and have quit/walked out/walked out after swearing at the manager which is SO not my personality, and it came to the point where I have finally said 'Enough now!') They've always been the SAME job and I have fully committed to myself never to do this type of job again! At the start of this year when I was feeling better (but still not my usual self), I applied for different jobs... childcare and in the charity sector, but didn't get them or felt too anxious and intimidated by other professional staff to go ahead with them.) I didn't have any support around me then to have helped me get through this so I kept taking the crap jobs, got treated like rubbish, got into vulgar environments, and worked too many hours and left due to mental and physical exhaustion until about a month ago I decided to stop work.) Since then, I still have the odd 'I really want to work again!' thought, but now my body and my mind have continued to become much worse and I'm just too sick for it.

I'm also experiencing a MASSIVE amount of stress. There's no real stress going on around me but I feel stressed by the simplest of things. I currently have family staying with me which includes two screaming children and it honestly melts my brain like nails on a chalkboard. This paired with my brother's total lack of understanding about mental illness (He says things at 11pm to me like 'Why are you so tired? You need to fill your days more so you're not so tired all the time.' before he goes to sleep in my bed whilst I happily take the sofa. I am trying by visiting different members of family and I even booked myself onto a youth camping retreat but if I go, I spend most of my time sleeping up there and come home early or I cancel (if it's not family-related, like the youth event) at the last minute because I just know it will be too much for me. It's like setting myself up to fail!!

I'm currently under a tier 3 eating disorder mental health team. The occupational therapist I see three times weekly has been off on leave for two weeks. In the meantime, the ED Team Leader has filled in for her with two phone calls and another phone call promise that never came. Which, as you can imagine, has been a massive help?! I've had to chase up my psychiatric appointment by contacting the CMHT, tier 3 and tier 2 services to get them all to communicate with each other. I shouldn't have to be the one who does this!!! So the last couple of weeks have honestly been awful. I've gotten a lot worse.

Thankfully, I did meet the CPN who will be my care coordinator from the CMHT last week. She was really annoyed about the lack of support from the ED services and promised to 'kick them up the bum!' for me! FINALLY, I am starting on AD medication. I really liked her and the psychiatrist and they took all my concerns into consideration when prescribing so that today when I took my first pill, I don't have any anxiety or fear about it... but only hope. She is meeting with me next week to draw up a community care plan. I felt like I could finally breathe when she told me this! I really do want to get well.

The OT is back this coming week too so it will be nice to have someone popping in to check I'm okay and dropping the odd text in between. It's reassuring to know there's someone I can call on, you know? My eating is really poor though. I eat as little as 300 calories a day and max at about 400-450. I'm so hungry and weak. It's not anorexia this time, it's like some kind of self-punishment for this depression. I've started taking laxatives too and I have no idea why. They don't exactly work on no food anyways!!