Sorry, Suzi.

I know I should have been in touch. I get like that when things feel tough. I go a bit quiet.

I'm still at the same weight I was when I was discharged from hospital two months back. I spoke to the dietician about the possibility of inpatient. I was totally honest with her. My weight is the same so I was personally relieved by that. I mentioned inpatient to her. She replied that it would be very expensive for the NHS and that I wouldn't be a priority because I'm not at medical risk, yet not so long ago when my weight was lower (but not drastically so) that horrid OT was saying I could collapse in the street. The dietician said that I need to be motivated if I go inpatient and want to change because if I voluntarily went and left I wouldn't get the chance to access it again. She said they wouldn't section me because I wouldn't be classed as ill enough. She pointed out that I would be with women more under weight than I who would be much more entrenched in the illness.

So what? A BMI of 13.8 is not sick enough to be an inpatient but a BMI below 15 means I wouldn't be cognitively ready for therapy apparently? I left today with the feeling of, 'Oh, so I'm not thaaaat bad'. Still, I'm looking at it from a positive perspective and not being so cynical about it all, hehe!

Think the eating disorder service only classify 'dead' as being in need of help. Sorry. Not, ahem, being cynical.

I like the dietician and she seems genuine but the fact that I told her I had wished I had died and still have feelings of 'I wish I was dead' didn't seem to mean anything. Hell, perhaps she's just tired of hearing that all the time!

I don't know what I'm expecting really. A magic wand or a brain transplant would be nice, haha!

Lovely to hear from you too! How are you? X