I feel awful today, got drunk last night & now that gut wrenching loneliness is rising to the surface again.. This loneliness encompasses everythin from sexual frustration, lack of companionship, lack of routine, status..
The irony is I went out with quite a few friends and I'm doing more socially than I have for as long as I can remember. But when I go out drinking it fuels this deep despair I have inside me of never havin a relationship. I'm 28 ffs & have never experienced what it means to be loved. My brothers ex was grindin on me in a club and kissin me & I felt nothin.. I made sure she got home alright, gathered her belongings each time she dropped it because that's the kind of guy I am. I have a good heart but I'm a f***** doormat.
These clubs are a competition for sex & are really self-sabotaging for my self-esteem. Because I always return feelin even more sexually frustrated & depressed from the alcohol & then I retreat to porn, it's a vicious circle of self-loathing..
I know there's guys out there who are sufferin with this loneliness the way I am.. On the bright side I attended a voluntary interview to work with special needs children and completed the online safeguarding certificate. Whether that comes to fruition remains to be seen, rejection is part of my miserable existence after all
