Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

[Suzi]

Neurofibromatosis doesn't sound easy to live with. What about anti-depresants? Have those been mentioned?

[Arty]

Hi Butterfly,
Well done for reaching out. Give therapy another go and do see your GP. What you have written about strikes a chord with me, crippling anxiety is just awful Trying to live when you feel so wretched is incredibly hard. You can pull through this, being honest about your feelings is the first step. You won’t be judged here.

[Mira]

I always like to compliment people. There are many reasons why I do that. But all of them are sincere and they are always what I truly feel or think. So if you don't mind I would like to start with that

Your English is so so so good. And from your posts I can tell you are a intelligent woman. In my experience the people that are in thoughts a lot tend to be that way. I think its awesome how you are working towards a goal and have dreams and hopes. Reading those even give me a good feeling.

I can relate to the fear of being judged oh so well. And lots of people here can. One thing I am trying to learn through therapy and paying attention to myself is where is it coming from? The fear of being judged? And is it a true representation or is it being filtered by me. So I only hear the bad things? I agree with you that people judge. But on one level or another we all do. And thats part of being human. But there is a difference in how and why we judge.

Like gossip. One thing I read in a paper got me thinking and I loved that idea. People seem to love to gossip. And this person said that a big reason of why we do it is to see how others react to it. If I say oh he is lazy. It could mean that people agree and that can validate me since I do not do it like him. So I am doing it right.

I am losing my train of thoughts. Sorry about that.

I did read that you are from Germany. So I would like to say that I think you should talk to your doctor about your mental health. There is a lot to gain from seeing someone about your fear of being judged. When I started therapy we discovered a lot together and now we are getting to a point where we can deal with some of my issues. I would love to see that for you as well. Because you have used the word fear a lot in your post. And that is holding you back. While you should be doing whatever you want to pursue with passion and not have fear weigh you down.

[Knowle]

Hi Butterfly and welcome to the forum.

This is a very warm and supportive place and you will find plenty of support on here. It sounds like you are already doing well in reaching out and getting support - you should be very proud of this.

Such severe anxiety is very difficult to live with and I feel for you. Have you tried mindfulness - this has helped me hugely with my anxiety.

Take care and if you ever need to talk then this is a very safe place to do so.

[Suzi]

You will always get a warm welcome here. We all have our own understandings....

[Flo]

Welcome Butterfly! Hope to hear more from you.

[Butterfly]

It's true but definitely hard. I see this seemingly good life and wish to do just what they do, follow my dreams and go for them without being stuck to being too worried about consequences. That must be beautiful.

Amateur dramatics sound amazing! We do have several theatres in the town I live, in fact I believe that many of them do offer amateur dramatics - obviously not at the moment but before covid they did.

The thing is, I always am overthinking things no matter how unrealistic they am and no matter what others say. I wish to leave my name in the world, do a book and perform on stage; it's what kept me going, it was a drive for live... to have dreams and goals that are big but make me work hard. Nowadays everything just seems hopeless. I hate my "job", my life that seems so senseless and every day is just a fight.
The only thing that keeps me going ar the moment are my parents and my pets. I can't leave them. But life is so hard. Every day is hard. I don't want to get up, or eat, or do anything because I see no sense. I worry the whole day and no matter how I turn things, I'll end up unhappy.

Thank you all for your warm welcome. Your help is so appreciated xx

[Suzi]

I used to love being involved in Am Dram
Why not make a start on writing a book?

[Butterfly]

It definitely sounds like so much fun! ��
I have given it a start several months ago and am so stuck with it at the moment. It's like my brain can't function to concentrate. My worries go from one to the next, once I'm "over" one worry, the next one immediately starts. I feel like I'll never be satisfied with myself, I'll always be the one who gives in and has nothing to be proud of. Other people manage such amazing things and are so strong and I just don't manage anything. I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to love again because of always seeing the bad things and feeling less worth, less strong, etc.

[Mira]

Something a lot of us do is look at other people and see the succes and how well they are doing. But a lot of the times its what they want to show to the rest. We dont see the struggles they have. Or the mental health issues they are struggling with. And there will be people that look to you and say wow she has got it made. Getting a good education and good job. She has hobbies she wants to persue.

People have told me that they think I have talent. But all I see is failure.
So I think its best to look at ourselfs and just do. There is a person I follow online and he said once. If you wait around for motivation it will not happen by magic. But if you start the motivation will grow and be there.
This is all easier said then done. But give it a go. If you want to write then go ahead and write. It does not have to be perfect the first go. Just write whats in your head.

I think you are capable of a lot.