Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

[Jaquaia]

J was playing around with him and instead of asking him to stop he tried stamping at his head a few times. I was livid with him, especially when he went upstairs and started throwing his lego around and slamming things around. We sent A upstairs to play around with her dollshouse while we brought him down to deal with him and I told him exactly what the consequences could have been if he'd connected with his dads face, including that if he'd connected with his dads nose a certain way he could have even killed him. I may have been wrong not holding back but I honestly have no idea how to get through to him that his actions have consequences and that lashing out like that is so unacceptable! It really was vicious, no idea how I didn't shout at him.

[Suzi]

Do you know why he acted the way that he did? Not that it's an excuse, but maybe it helps if you find the reason?

[Jaquaia]

All we get is "I don't know". I've asked if he's punishing his parents for splitting up - no. Does he want me to move out so his mum can come back - no. I think it could be learned behaviour if I'm honest.

[Suzi]

Is he having any counselling?

[Jaquaia]

No, I have to confess that it hasn't been sorted yet. Part of J's dyslexia is that he has short term memory problems, so I can remind him to ring and within 5 minutes he's forgotten, by which point I'm doing something else and am focusing on that instead. And he won't talk in front of his mum which means it has to be when he's here. It will get sorted as this cannot carry on.

[Suzi]

No it can't... Esp if it's become violent...

[Strugglingmum]

My eldest struggled with lashing out.
There were various different reasons including being bullied and left out.
While he learnt to deal with frustration and anger and learning to control it, we gave him a punch bag. That was the only thing he was allowed to hit. It actually helped him let out all the stuff he couldnt verbalize at the time but in a controlled way.
Some people said we were encouraging him to hit things and shouldn't have done it but it helped him to stop hitting his siblings and walls, doors etc while he learnt other coping strategies.
Hitting the punch bag was acceptable behaviour, hitting anything else wasn't and would be punished. In a way I felt it helped because we acknowledged his frustration and need to let it out but he learnt there were boundaries too.
As he learnt other coping strategies and started to be able to talk about things more, the need for the punchbag became less and less.

[Jaquaia]

That's a possible idea! Thanks SM!

[Suzi]

We've done that for Fern to try to help them to have a focus for their temper, anger and frustration. It does really help because it also helps get rid of all the energy and is exercise which boosts endorphins too...

Also don't forget that he'll be having a testosterone surge too and that was always the worst points for Ben and his anger too.

[Jaquaia]

I know. Have to admit I embarrassed him the other day, unintentionally, but part of me found it funny. He'd stuck his head round the door while J was getting in the shower and he came down and told me that he'd "seen daddy's bum, and even the hairy bits". I told him he'll be getting the hairy bits in the next few years and he went so red that I could have fried eggs on his cheeks! I just want to be open with them about how the body changes so they know they can come to us about any worries or concerns or just for reassurance! I don't want A growing up thinking periods are something dirty either.