i dont know what to do... need to tell my story..

[Mira]

Welcome here,

We are not professionals. But there are a lot of people here that have had rough experiences and that come here to unwind, find courage and a shoulder to lean on. I myself have never met my biological father and my stepfather was not the nicest person to leave it at that.

One thing I have learned in therapy to look at things in an equal way. So you say that I am ok and you are ok. But then you should look at yourself is this good for me? Do I take my values and beliefs into account? And the most important thing is am I happy?

The questions you ask are valid good questions. But sadly I can not answer them for you. But you did write in your post you did not heal. What do you need to do to heal? And don't look for the healing in others. Like your father or your ex. The healing has to start from within.

And if you need help with that. What we could all use at times. Seek out professional help. Your GP, a therapist. To help guide you along.