Building a new life

[Jaquaia]

It's our home so it should be about us all. I have it all planned out in my head. The downstairs toilet is going to he a lovely pale jade green, we just need to get to B&Q for the wallpaper. I have a large tin of satinwood paint coming tomorrow and we have two big tubs of white emulsion so woodwork and ceilings are sorted and ordered a grouting pen for the tiles. It would take me a few days to do. We're going to replace the flooring when we have the kitchen flooring done. We're tiling the kitchen when J is off in a few weeks. Cruella's stuff is going next week so I can start stripping the mouldy paper in the summer house. Then it's a case of a cheap wallpaper, paint and reupholstering the sofa bed that she dumped in T's room that he doesn't like and that can go out to the summerhouse rather than pay hundreds for garden furniture, then I can decorate T's room (white and navy) and tidy up A's room (she wants some walls glittery purple!). Then it's just the hall and finishing touches.

There's a big list on my phone as I've listed everything separately and we're ticking it off as we go. I've probably drove J crazy but it's made me feel like I have more of a say and things are actually organised! I know where I need to start so I won't be overwhelmed.

[Suzi]

That's perfect!

[Paula]

Yay! For Cruella’s stuff going at last

[Stella180]

*WARNING! STELLA INCOMING*

You seem to have taking control of a lot of stuff regarding the house. I know you don’t feel comfortable there and want to erase all signs of Cruella’s existence and I get that but I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy. J is still married to that creature and going through this divorce is not going to be plain sailing cos she’s a cow and will do all she can to make it difficult. She is still the kids mother (even if that term only applies to her in the biological sense), and she is always going to be involved in your lives because of that. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to look at yourself and see what you can do to feel more comfortable in your new life and whitewashing the past is only going to do so much.

[Jaquaia]

Maybe you should ask before you assume. I have NOT taken control of anything regarding the house. We have DISCUSSED everything, like partners should. We both decided on colours, I showed J suggestions which didn't get decided on if he didn't agree, just as when rooms were decorated before I moved in, he would ask for my input. He asked for my input on the sofa and carpet, I asked for his input on the washer dryer. He told me what colour he would like the fence to be and I showed him options and ordered his preferred choice. The children decided themselves on the colour they wanted their rooms. I have a list as it will be me doing the decorating while J is at work as the only time he's off we have the children so there's no time, and the list helps me work out what needs doing first. And he's said himself that if it were left to him, nothing would get done. She's not lived here in almost 2 years now, why shouldn't we make the place our own?

[Suzi]

I think that you making it your family home is the right thing to do. Yes she's still and always going to be in your lives through the children, but that doesn't mean she has to have any input apart from them. Go, make it yours. I think it's about time you had somewhere that you wanted to be as your HOME, not a house.
My only concern would be you pushing yourself too hard doing all the decorating yourself....

[Stella180]

So you haven’t said in the past that you don’t like seeing the colours she chose? Or that you feel like it’s not your home cos J pays for everything? I’m worried about you. No one else is gonna say anything. A coat of paint and a bit of wallpaper isn’t going to change your mindset. Of course you belong there and you deserve to be happy. J wants you there not to cook clean and decorate. You’re not a maid, you’re his partner and it worries me that the way you talk about things you don’t truly believe you belong. Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I’m a few steps ahead. You know me, I pay attention to the throw away comments and I pick up on the things that aren’t said. I’m not out to upset you, I’m pointing out that there are issues that you need the get right in your head not on the walls.

[Paula]

Stella, I don’t see any harm in Jaq and J wanting to decorate to make the house their own. When my ex left, I redecorated the whole house, top to bottom, within 6 months. It was really therapeutic and helped me to move past it being ‘our’ house and it became ‘mine’. Sometimes, getting things right on the walls can help with getting things right in the head.

[Jaquaia]

No I don't like seeing the colours she chose, and do you know what? Neither does J! He wasn't allowed an input into his own house! He's said several times that it was never a home with her so the decorating is as much for those children and J as it is for me. We're turning this into a home.

The kitchen was deep red with black work surfaces and splashbacks, white units and a black blind. It's too small a space for those colours to work the way they were done. It looked dark, cluttered and cramped and felt claustrophobic. It's now pale green with grey units and light wood worksurfaces. It looks spacious and inviting and I now enjoy baking in there. One of the first things J said when he saw the kitchen after it had been put in was he couldn't believe how big it looked.

The living room was pink and very light brown/beige with a massive dark wood fireplace, the colours didn't go together and I hate pink. Bright pink sofa, bright pink floral curtains, pink walls...I bit my dentist because he tried to put pink rubbers on my brace, so this isn't a Cruella thing, this is a me thing. A's room is overwhelmingly pink but it's her room. This was the living room so where I spent most of my time. Not to mention the sofa was incredibly uncomfortable. Now the living room is light green and grey, with a dark grey corner sofa. It's clearly defined into two areas now, relaxing and dining, it never had that before as the dining table was at the front of the room and it looked cluttered. Now there's more room and it's a peaceful and relaxing room to be in. I'm quite happy to sit in here all day and read. The colours are calming and the sofa is comfy.

Our room was only half stripped. Now it has denim blue wallpaper and grey accessories. I don't find half finished rooms that relaxing, this we're both happy in. The hallway had a lot of animal print. I don't like animal print and won't buy clothes with it on, so again, not a Cruella thing, this is a me thing! Now the animal print has gone it's just white and I can live with that! It needs decorating to freshen it up, so that's last on the list. The downstairs toilet has peeling wallpaper and the vinyl floor is coming up so it needs doing. T's room hasn't been done since he was a toddler and every other room is getting done so he deserves his room doing to his taste too. A heard me talking to T about how he wanted his room doing and started talking to me about colours for her room so hers is just getting tidied up as it was painted in a rush. Same with the bathroom.

And I don't feel like it's my home as I have very few of my things here! You wouldn't know I lived here unless you looked in my wardrobe but that's lockdown for you. I do struggle with not contributing, but I think that's a me thing. If my parents were struggling I'd always be happy to lend them money to help out but I would never ask my dad when I was struggling. I've always felt like I should do it myself. It drove my parents crazy! Here, I feel like the only way I can contribute to the house is to do the housework. It's how I saw my parents do it. I even hate that my weightloss is starting to mean I need new clothes as I can't afford to replace them, and certainly not after next week when I restart driving lessons! I've bought all the paint instead, or clothes for the children, or paid for days out, or bought Christmas presents to put away as I think my family should come first. Again, I think that comes from my upbringing as I saw my parents always go without if us children ever needed anything. To me, it's just how it's done.

[Stella180]

You have a lot of “me things“ going on.