When I was younger it was things like short term relationships, sometimes even getting into arguments for the sake of it because it was 'fun'. I absolutely recognise this as destructive behaviour now. I feel it was filling a hole that is still not filled, but I don't know what to full it with. In truth I know I should not be trying to fill that hole, and just to be happy with myself, even if that means being content with being unhappy, if that makes any sense.

I'm concentrating on being 'in the now', not dreaming of what things could be like in the future: I used to think dreaming of the future was good, but you can get caught up in it. You forget to live your life as it is now, and if you dream of a different life, you become uncontented with what you already have. I think contentment is the key here. I've mentioned before that that is what I've been striving for: contentment with what I have, because on paper, it really isn't that bad. I feel that if I accept being 'bored and unhappy', and stop visualising another life with which to compare my real life to, then I could become genuinely more content.

Fantasising is like advertising to yourself, and advertising works. It makes you want things. Like in this capitalist world, if people weren't presented with material possessions they don't have, they wouldn't miss them. I once heard an interview with someone who talked about growing up in the fifties, in a slum estate. He said he 'didn't know he was poor', because he had nothing to compare it to. This is the problem with our society, we are constantly presented with images of the perfect life, or of excitement, and our lives seem lacking or dull in comparison. If I was just plonked into the middle of my own world from nowhere it would probably seem great. I need to stop and appreciate, and dream less.

I've been looking into mindfulness add this seems share some of these values.