The social anxiety is not so bad now. I have a work outing coming up. I'll go, I won't have a panic attack, I'll get involved in the conversation, and I might even enjoy myself. But I'd rather be at home, either with my partner or on my own. It all just seems like such an effort, and not really worth it.
I could say that once I lacked confidence, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just better at faking it and that is what's so draining.
I was always in awe of confident people, and I often thought confident was synonymous with happy. I got the idea in my head that I needed to emulate them. that way I could obtain the things in life I had convinced myself brought happiness. It felt like there was some big secret they were let in on and we weren't. Nothing you could put into words, but a state of mind. I thought one day I would 'get' how to be that way. At times I felt I had make a kind of breakthrough, and with it a kind of smug self satisfaction. But you can't know the big secret, you can only know yourself. As long as you know that you're getting somewhere. Never believe you've suddenly broken the shackles, or scaled the wall, You're probably deluding yourself. These things just don't happen that fast. Only trust the feelings you truly believe, and build on each one of these.
I feel like I've been striving for the wrong thing for much of my life. But then I don't know what I'm striving for now, or whether striving for anything it's the right way to think about it.
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