Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you talk about suicide and abuse. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

You have been through so much! There's no wonder you are struggling. Speak to your doctor lovely, more counselling may help and they can also look at medication. Have you told them about the abuse? Have you ever dealt with that trauma in a therapeutic setting? If you're looking up how many tablets to take then you really do need professional help lovely. You're right about alcohol, it's a depressive. Do you think cutting down is something you need help with?

If you don't want to go to the Samaritans you could always contact Mind and see what help they can offer, they often run support groups. And you can always talk here too lovely.