I Despise Myself *SU TRIGGERS *

[Jarre]

Morning Penguin. Firstly Jaq just added a little trigger notice to your post as forum guidlines, don't worry you've not done anything wrong its just for people who it could trigger they can make a decission about reading or not. Welcome to dwd, were not health professionals but we are a community of like minded people who help each other and share experiences good and bad.
Have you ever considered visiting a Dr to start the ball rolling with some counselling sessions to be able to download alot of whats making you feel this? Do you know whats caused the low feeling at the begining? You say you just do safe jobs but they are very boring, what would be an unsafe job for you? Have you thought about looking into a job where you can have some achievement and something to show at the end do you think this would help you? I know due to being in the industry construction can be very rewarding and the industry is in need of alot of people, most local colleges do training courses in trades and you don't need alot of qualifications to do them and you get a good sesnse of achievement afterwards that lasts as a building could be stood up for your lifetime and longer. Do you find spending time with the dogs a calming experience, rather than sitting in the room have you thought aboout taking a walk with the dogs to clear head?

[Penguin]

I saw the Doc once, was referred to Healthy Minds but never followed it up. I feel very uncomfortable talking about these things, always choke up, this has been easier as I am typing if that makes sense.

I would say it started a few years ago, probably at 24 when I did my Level 2 at college in fact. The feelings were just nowhere near as severe though and I made the mistake of blocking them out. Its great to have gratitude but its been like a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand I'm eternally grateful I can go to the gym, have a roof over my head, pay my bills etc. On the other it has lead me to not pushing myself more when I am unhappy and of course has resulted in where I am now.

Money genuinely means nothing to me as long as I can cover the basics, my goal is to find a job where I am happy to go everyday. Then of course there is my relationship, other niggly things in my life but I need to deal with one thing at a time as I feel very overwhelmed. I get extremely angry with myself as I know I am the one who has let it build and done nothing to change it when the warning signs were there.