To be given hope of having kids and seeing a scan of them then to be kicked to the kerb and have it all taken away, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make things better is painful. You don’t miss what you have never had is untrue. I miss not having children every day and it hurts and it is my fault that this is so.

I wish I could get to sleep but I can’t. I’m scared to go to sleep, and this may sound like some lame horror film, but it feels that there is something or someone waiting in the shadows of my dreams, just beyond my field of vision. When I go to sleep I can sense something, sometimes I have seen something watching but I can’t quite make it out. Or there’s a sudden movement, a patch of darkness that has flitted out of sight. I have sensed it outside the windows and it really scares me. A few times I have felt myself been pulled away by an invisible force and I have had to fight to break free and I wake up screaming. I just know that wherever it takes me is a bad place and if I go there then it feels like there is no coming back. And if I did die, I do not want it to be here. I do not want to be driven in a hearse along this street past all the litter while everyone says ‘there goes that loser' 'he was good at nothing' 'always has been a loser' 'didn’t even work' 'glad he’s gone because it’s unfair when people like him live when better people die too young' 'he’s done nothing with his life’. Or god forbid stay here in limbo for all eternity.

I don't know if getting this off my chest and out of my head will help. Time will tell.