Hi and welcome to DWD. I've added the SU trigger as you mention daily suicidal thoughts - it's not a problem, just that some members find things like this triggering to their own health.
Wow, she sounds delightful! I can't imagine being separated from my husband and children by living in whole different countries! I'm not surprised you are finding it tough.
Have you seen a Dr about your mental health? Have you had talking therapy or meds?
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Understand about the SU warning.Originally Posted by Suzi
Yes I’m seeing a psychiatrist albeit on an irregular basis. There is no mental health care in Papua New Guinea, so I only get to see my psychiatrist every few months. I am on medication: lexapro 40mg and mirtazapine 20mg.
I was on Effexor for MANY years at quite high doses, but I foolishly tried to come off cold turkey last year. Not a good decision.My psychiatrist warned me against it but I can be a little stubborn. I guess as mark twain said “a man who attempts to carry a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.”
I also use diazepam and lorazepam, mainly to mask the symptoms when my family is around. I’m am at times flirting between useing and abusing these compounds.
No I don’t do any talking therapy. I don’t have access to that, and Australian psychologists generally don’t want to work by teleconference. Furthermore it’s very hard for me to talk to people about my situation. I used to talk to my wife but I have now promised never to talk about it again and to pretend everything is ok because “it’s my problem and talking about it is causing them stress”. I guess that’s why I’m posting here. I have no one else to talk to.
I live a very one dimensional life in Papua New Guinea now: basically just work eat and sleep. Although I don’t eat so well. I often skip meals for no particular reason other than I don’t feel like it. I try to exercise, which for me means lifting heavy things. Other than that I just work. I often joke that I’m a member of the 100 club, meaning I work 100 hours a week or more. Yeah it’s not a healthy way to live but there are not many other options. Every other social activity involves excessive drinking. I avoid these situations as I know I’m not meant to drink
Work stress is a major issue. I am the ceo of a family company. I have 800 staff. The nature of png society and economy is such that unemployment is very high (>60%), so everyone who works for our company supports another 10 people. I feel a tremendous sense of obligation and responsibility to them. The economy is very bad and al businesses in Papua New Guinea are hurting, so I have a lot of fear about letting down those who depend on me.
Suicide is an ever present thought. I have the means to do it. But I won’t because I know this is a symptom of my illness. Some days it’s hard because it seems like the only way out. But also I know that if I was to take my life I would be failing all those who depend on me. I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say the company would collapse if I wasn’t there. This has been said to me many times, and of course increases the pressure.
So anyway I guess the summary is that I’m in a bad way, and I really don’t know how to fix it or to escape.
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