1. I have had an unusual life. Child sexual abuse, father hitting me, shunning me, THE high school fag in the 70s, bullying, 4 people have tried to kill me, assault by a teacher, shunned by another, sexual assault by a doctor, sexual harassment at work, remembering 7 to 9 years old, that I had blocked out, when I was 28 years old, and realizing I have been living from the consequences of those years since then. A lot more and the day to day. It goes on. I should be constantly in despair.

But, I rarely think about any of that stuff. Well, some of it. But, it's the gnawing stuff that gets me.

2. I mainly think about one job period, now. From more than 20 years ago. It just starts coming to me. It's meaningless, now. That's the frustrating part. I'm getting as mad as I feel now at what never really bothered me then. But I had justifications for putting up with it then and not now. I joke about everything with people (a problem) but it's when I get these feelings that I am not in as forgiving a mood, now, to just let it go in my mind. Someone once asked me 'How much does it cost you to be that mellow?'. I have far worse to be thinking about than that job but work is my number one priority and I think my brain throws it at me first.

3. But I think that one bar helped me. Just going there and off the computer and the great chair (swivel) and not driving de-stressed my body. I think it's an accumulation for me. After 3 months in grade 7 attempting suicide - never before. The 3 months to get rid of it. The 3 months to get it back.

4. I'm social, jokey. I eat well. I drink but never at home - I go out to socialize / to not be alone. I was living with my mother with Alzheimer's who has gone into a nursing home a couple of months ago, which isn't helping now being alone but wasn't an issue then. I smoke pot (but not then) , but I've become so tolerant of that it doesn't have much effect, anymore. No other medications.

I'm that person who people say to 'You're living the dream.'. I once wrote 'I am using everything I have stored to stop history from repeating itself to do it to myself a million times over again.'. I think when I get these feelings for no reason my brain is throwing out unresolved stuff from the past thinking that might be the issue. There's no criteria for a search. Like, give me anything that's making me or made me angry.