False Emotion Disorder **STRONG AB/SU Triggers**

[Ken Willidau]

I've been to about 5 psychiatrists and they all say about the same thing. That one was an exact quote. I was in despair and had attempted suicide at that time. I was crying when I left. How do you fix nothing wrong when you know something's wrong? That's when I started thinking that if it isn't mental, then, what is it?

This is my problem. When I am with people or am working on anything, I am okay. It's when I disengage that all these thoughts start flooding my head. If something just happened, it would be about that and if not I think my brain looks for something trying to solve it. Like those days when you're worried about something, but you can't figure out what it is. And you start going through all the things that might be worrying you. It's like the worry is there in your face first, and your brain is trying to figure out why. And thinking about what could be worrying you starts worrying you for real.

On May 21 2006 I stopped doing just about everything except going to one bar (no computer, little driving). The bar had great seats. Arm rests, padded seat and 360-swivel. On Sept 11, it was gone. I felt ungripped. After 35 years. It was freeing. All my cynicism, fog, thinking was gone. It was a life change. I bought my laptop. Buying clothes. Doing stuff for the house. Everything wasn't a struggle/what's the point. By December 18, I wrote in a blog that I could feel it creeping back in and I don't want to go back there, again.

I believe I stress out my face/body and when I get alone and my face is disengaged/healing it mimics emotions that start the thoughts coming. The thoughts are as maddening as they were. But it's them being brought to me as a possible reason for the feeling that puts that thought on my mind and not just in my mind and support the feeling.

The only good thing I can say about it is that it gets a lot of work done for me trying to avoid it. Even if I think that exacerbates the problem, itself.

[Suzi]

I've been to about 5 psychiatrists and they all say about the same thing. That one was an exact quote. I was in despair and had attempted suicide at that time. I was crying when I left. How do you fix nothing wrong when you know something's wrong? That's when I started thinking that if it isn't mental, then, what is it?

Surely there HAS to be something wrong if it was making you want to end your life?

This is my problem. When I am with people or am working on anything, I am okay. It's when I disengage that all these thoughts start flooding my head. If something just happened, it would be about that and if not I think my brain looks for something trying to solve it. Like those days when you're worried about something, but you can't figure out what it is. And you start going through all the things that might be worrying you. It's like the worry is there in your face first, and your brain is trying to figure out why. And thinking about what could be worrying you starts worrying you for real.

I think having loads of thoughts flood your head when you are not busy is something that a lot of people can relate to, but instead of thinking that it's in your face first (which I'm struggling with as a concept) maybe it IS a real thing and not a false emotion at all? Have you tried other techniques such as meditation or mindfulness?

On May 21 2006 I stopped doing just about everything except going to one bar (no computer, little driving). The bar had great seats. Arm rests, padded seat and 360-swivel. On Sept 11, it was gone. I felt ungripped. After 35 years. It was freeing. All my cynicism, fog, thinking was gone. It was a life change. I bought my laptop. Buying clothes. Doing stuff for the house. Everything wasn't a struggle/what's the point. By December 18, I wrote in a blog that I could feel it creeping back in and I don't want to go back there, again.

If anyone is solely reliant on one thing - be it a bar, a forum, a cafe, a supermarket, a park then it isn't an option suddenly then that's always going to be difficult to deal with.
Maybe it's about a balance, not an all or nothing approach?

I believe I stress out my face/body and when I get alone and my face is disengaged/healing it mimics emotions that start the thoughts coming. The thoughts are as maddening as they were. But it's them being brought to me as a possible reason for the feeling that puts that thought on my mind and not just in my mind and support the feeling.

The only good thing I can say about it is that it gets a lot of work done for me trying to avoid it. Even if I think that exacerbates the problem, itself.

Do you know whether you had a trigger for the way that you were feeling - apart from moving classrooms each lesson? Do you live with others? Do you socialise? Eat properly? Drink alcohol? Take any other medication?

[Ken Willidau]

1. I have had an unusual life. Child sexual abuse, father hitting me, shunning me, THE high school fag in the 70s, bullying, 4 people have tried to kill me, assault by a teacher, shunned by another, sexual assault by a doctor, sexual harassment at work, remembering 7 to 9 years old, that I had blocked out, when I was 28 years old, and realizing I have been living from the consequences of those years since then. A lot more and the day to day. It goes on. I should be constantly in despair.

But, I rarely think about any of that stuff. Well, some of it. But, it's the gnawing stuff that gets me.

2. I mainly think about one job period, now. From more than 20 years ago. It just starts coming to me. It's meaningless, now. That's the frustrating part. I'm getting as mad as I feel now at what never really bothered me then. But I had justifications for putting up with it then and not now. I joke about everything with people (a problem) but it's when I get these feelings that I am not in as forgiving a mood, now, to just let it go in my mind. Someone once asked me 'How much does it cost you to be that mellow?'. I have far worse to be thinking about than that job but work is my number one priority and I think my brain throws it at me first.

3. But I think that one bar helped me. Just going there and off the computer and the great chair (swivel) and not driving de-stressed my body. I think it's an accumulation for me. After 3 months in grade 7 attempting suicide - never before. The 3 months to get rid of it. The 3 months to get it back.

4. I'm social, jokey. I eat well. I drink but never at home - I go out to socialize / to not be alone. I was living with my mother with Alzheimer's who has gone into a nursing home a couple of months ago, which isn't helping now being alone but wasn't an issue then. I smoke pot (but not then) , but I've become so tolerant of that it doesn't have much effect, anymore. No other medications.

I'm that person who people say to 'You're living the dream.'. I once wrote 'I am using everything I have stored to stop history from repeating itself to do it to myself a million times over again.'. I think when I get these feelings for no reason my brain is throwing out unresolved stuff from the past thinking that might be the issue. There's no criteria for a search. Like, give me anything that's making me or made me angry.