Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

I have got another drink. Taken a propranolol too, took the precaution of ordering more as I'm needing them more recently

[Paula]

You’ve had a lot on soits not a surprise. You’re doing brilliantly

[Jaquaia]

I really don't feel like I am. I've spent the evening feeling really anxious and wanting to be anywhere but here. I felt like a weight had been lifted when J arrived but then spent a lot of the time he was here either pretending to be ok, fighting tears or in tears. I'm not dealing well with him doing potential family stuff. It is really hitting me this year that I will only ever get to mark Mother's Day as a daughter and never as a mum and as ridiculous as it sounds, it feels like grieving. I'm tired of fighting today. It's absolutely exhausting and I don't want to have to keep doing it.

[Paula]

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all, you’ve been give a life changing diagnosis and my heart would be broken too. However....... I was going to say that it’s not the same as you will be (are, actually, but just waiting to meet them and for them to fall in love with you) a stepmum. But actually, I’m not saying that as I know that Katie views Si as her dad in everything but name - he raised her, he held her hair when she was sick, he stayed up all night covering her in calamine lotion when she had horrendous chicken pox, he was there when she failed her driving test, he lent her £500 deposit to get her first car. Even her father knows that, remember the comments he made at her party? You may not give birth, but you will be a parent to those kids. I know that because you will offer them the love, empathy and support that is lacking elsewhere. You already consider their feelings in everything you do. You will take them into your heart just as surely as if you’d been in that delivery room. Being a mum isn’t about labour, it’s about everything that happens after. And you are made for that

[Jaquaia]

That made me cry, though that's not really difficult tonight...

[Paula]

I didn’t mean to make you cry

[Jaquaia]

I'm absolutely terrified that they will hate me for breaking up their family, I'm terrified that he'll decide that having his children all the time is worth ending things with me. I'm scared that I will be absolutely rubbish at it... and I do know I'm overthinking it but it's always at the back of my mind. And I feel like an absolute failure as a woman, I can't even manage what nature intended...

[Paula]

Nature intended for mother’s to love their children. And that’s it. Nothing else is important compared to that

As for whether they’ll blame you? I very much doubt that. kids aren’t stupid and they’ll know that things were wrong for a long time - and not because of you. They’ll also see how happy you make their dad, and they’ll love you for that.

[Mira]

I agree with Paula.

I dont know my father at all. Never met him. I did have a stepdad early on. From when i was about one. And he was a horrible man. And for that i will remember him.

What i am trying to say is that all I ever wanted was my mum to be happy. If thats her on her own or with a nice man does not matter.

The one thing I wish I could have growing up was a loving caring family around me. No matter if it were step fathers, mothers or any combo.

I am sure thats true for a lot of children. And you Jaquaia tick off those boxes. I am 100% sure you have the loving caring supporting side in you. You show that all the time.

[Suzi]

I'm in tears. This is so full of grief - it really is. You are allowed to grieve because you ARE grieving the loss of the babies you thought you might have. It's also so full of love - for each other and the love that Paula has explained with Si and Katie and that you ARE a mother too. It's also full of love and respect for J's two little people who so desperately NEED you in their lives - no one else, but you and J. You will teach them love, tolerance, love for each other, love and respect for other people and to show them exactly how they should have been loved all their little lives. Jaq, honestly I can't think of anyone more perfect to take on children who have been f*cked around with by someone as bad as cruella. Jaq, you are putting J back together bit by bit, touch by touch, word by word and kiss by kiss. You will do the same for the little people. You may not have given birth to them, but you are the mother they need.....

Oh and I totally understand what you mean about not being able to do what nature meant you for - I've felt like that since I was 16 and told I'd never have children, then when I had my first miscarriage I was told I'd be able to get pregnant, but not hold on to it. Then my second miscarriage... Then miraculously I had Ben and he stuck in place but I couldn't deliver him - so all 3 of mine were c sections, all under general anaesthetic as I couldn't have an epidural due to my spine being wrong and then I couldn't breastfeed... And then I had pnd with each of them. I know our circumstances are different, but I wanted you to know that I do understand at least a little of what you are feeling. My niece and her husband haven't been able to conceive, neither have my cousin and his wife. My best friends daughter has had IVF to help them... You aren't alone - and yes I also know that doesn't make it any easier...