Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning to your post.
It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid it if the subject matter would trigger them.

Firstly, well done for reaching out, that is huge given the way you're feeling. I'm sorry about your little boy. Your children won't be better off without you, no matter what you think. Suicide passes on the pain to those left behind. Would you reach out for medical help? Your local NHS should have a crisis team. You really need to give them a call or go to A&E. Are you safe now?

What ADs are you on? How long have you been on them and what dose? Have you tried any others? Have you told your doctor about the self-harm? Sorry for all the questions