Downs that make you not want to get Up?!

[Sissy]

First of all, welcome. I am happy you found your way here, even none of us can say we know what you are going through, we can understand the deepest bottoms of this ride can really get to you. I have been depressed since childhood event I'd rather not to talk about, but maybe - just maybe - finally have made peace with.

There are days we'd rather never see. My best way to get through each and every day is simply stick to my routines with my kids and pets. Have my coffee - lots of it- In peace, feed my dogs and cats, check everyone has water and so on. Make breakfast, get kids ready for whatever they need to be ready for. My mornings are 98 out of 100 bad. First thing in my mind before even opening my eyes is hating the fact I am still alive. It is brutal, and that is what I would most want to get rid of. I had better mornings while having chicken, but a fox broke in my coop and killed my whole flock, so now I am trying to build a new one with my other half, something predator proof so I never have to see what I saw that morning ever again.

Some days will simply suck. Sometimes it is easier to shake it off than other times. I don't do well during summer either, so I am really waiting for the fall. But In general I get through life with very, very dark humour, lots of coffee and sticking to my well structured mornings. My fiance (can I call him that, we are engaged but probably never will get married) and my sons are my greatest supporters. They make life worth the struggle, and just having them around makes the urge to hurt myself go away.

On a good day I get done all sorts of stuff. On a difficult day I usually sit down, have too much coffee and read, knit and try to distract myself from the feeling that makes me so incapable to funktion normally. Bad days I spend drawing and painting the pain away. Worst days... I stay In bed and and can't get anything done. Anxiety and depression are liike a horrible duo of really ugly creatuees that manage steal away all my energy, motivaation and Joy of life. Those days come without a warning, and no matter how I try to prevent them from happening, they still manage to lash at me out of blue. It is rough.

I probably could not help you at all with this, but what I tried to say is I believe I get what you mean. Took me 6 and half years to find medication that helps even a bit, and I have to say I could never had imagined the life getting better. Even those were horrible years, I am grateful there is a medication that helps. Those years were worth it if I compaire life without any medication to life now.

I truly hope your bad days get less devastating, and less in numbers. I apologise my broken english, I am not a native english speaker so I tend to say weird things just because I can't find the right words, not even starting with grammars. Plus my cellphone likes to autocorrect me so finnish words pop in convo at times.

Anyway. I hope we here can help you with your bad days. I come read alot but write less.. Seeing how kind people here are, makes me feel better when life gets hairy.