Hi and welcome . I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the difficulties it’s left you with. Are you close with your family? Can you talk to them?
There are many options for support but you will need to see your doctor to access most of them. If you really don’t want ADs, then tell your GP you want to talk about alternative options. However, we all react differently to medication and just because you know people that have struggled with ADs does not mean you will - it may be exactly what you need. Also, any side effects you may have may be easier to tolerate than dealing with how you feel right now. Can I ask you to try to keep an open mind?