Meet the Team!

[Aspasia]

OK, here goes!

I'm Aspasia, I'm a girl (in case you couldn't work it out from my love of all things purple, panda-related, and pretty!) and I'm in my early thirties.

I'm a qualified teacher of EFL (English as a Foreign Language) and I live and work abroad. I'm currently in Egypt, but my dream destination is Italy! I'm hoping to get back to the UK to do a Master's degree in the next few years.

When in the UK I live in a large-ish village or a small-ish town, depending on how you want to look at it, on the edge of the Peak District, and while I am happy there, I have itchy feet so I'm never there long nowadays - flying visits for major holidays only!

My depression began when I was about 17, although it took me a long time to realise what it was. It was triggered by a combination of factors including academic pressure and an incident of sexual assault from a family member. The repercussions didn't hit me for a while, but eventually manifested as a serious sleeping disorder where I rocketed from insomnia to narcoleptic episodes and back again constantly, leading to poor exam results and major issues in my first year of uni, where I was trying to study French and Latin. I tried taking a year off from uni and managed to get my sleeping (sort of) under control, but even when I went back I wasn't happy so eventually dropped out and went to drama school were I spent two much happier years studying technical theatre. During the early days of my depression, I was on various meds but had bad reactions to most of them, with paranoid episodes and some very out-of-body and disassociate feelings, so I chose to come off the meds and try to cope myself. I was not given access to therapy and in fact my doctor never even used the word "depression" as at the very traditional and prestigious uni I was at it was certainly a "dirty word": we were not supposed to admit weakness. I'd have happily swapped all that prestige for a little bit of humanity and compassion. Another effect of my depression was some very rapid weight gain and I have struggled ever since with weight issues and attached self-esteem issues.

After drama school I spent a couple of years doing theatre work but found that the hours and lifestyle were making me ill again - since my first depression I have never really sorted out my sleep, and sleep less than most people, and I am prone to dizzy episodes and fatigue more easily than I would like. I therefore had to give up theatre and settle for doing the admin work to pay the bills. Not long after this point, when I was very very low, I became involved in a relationship that (with the benefit of hindsight) was emotionally abusive, although again I didn't realise this at the time. I suspect my self-esteem issues blinded me to what was going on, as I was just so grateful anyone was showing interest in me... This was one of the very worst points in my life, and this is when I met the wonderful Suzi on another forum, under another name, and eventually she persuaded me to come here for help, and I am so very glad I did. I can't put into words how much this site has helped me.

Nowadays things are better than they have been in a long time, but I do try to monitor myself constantly as I'm aware I still have black moods that I don't always understand and that seem to come from nowhere, and I'm very sensitive to certain triggers too. I've been losing weight (and plan to keep on trying) and I'm now in a relationship with a man who seems to genuinely care for me, which I'm trying not to be too shocked by! He has his own history of depression, which is both hard for us both and wonderful, as it means we can be very open with one another and know the other person will understand.

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