*****TRIGGER WARNING****

I can understand him being upset too.. I dont think the surprise was what upset him as we often do little surprises for each other.. As I've said we always have been a very affectionate couple... I did apologise on the day it happened and it wasn't a "sorry but" kind of apology.. It was genuine.. In terms of why he was angry he said it was simply because he knew he would get stick the next day and that's what he was upset about.. He wasn't upset or angry when he saw me or even as we were walking.. It seemed that he got upset when he started to process what the next days events might have been.. He did say and look like he was genuinely pleased with the surprise.. It does make sense which is why I tried to to talk to him last night.. I am always the one that goes running back from an argument to try and rectify things and admittedly it may have been wrong but I just couldn't cope with doing that on Wednesday when he has upset me at work.. There's a lot of problems for me at work which he is fully aware of and started before his depression so I desperately didn't want to get upset at work like he made me.. Admittedly it may have been wrong for me to ignore him but I just needed a breather myself and I just needed to take myself away for a couple of hours and particularly let him see that he cannot talk to me in such a way..

We talked last night and I explained that whilst I understand what upset him and annoyed him.. He needed to explain that to me in a way that Jacquala did because once she had explained how it may have actually been I understood a lot more.. I also explained that it wasn't fair for him to take his frustrations out on me because people at work had upset him.. Ultimately all he had done was cause more issues by lashing out at me.. And that if he simply worded his frustrations in a less aggressive and rude way he knows I would have apologised and tried my hardest to cheer him up when he got home (like either of us always has done when the other has a bad day) ...

I greatly appreciate you helping me understand and I don't take anything you say on offence or as an excuse.. It's helping me to understand so thank you so much.. It makes total sense and I know that he has been putting on a mask.. Since the medication change however he is struggling to put on the masks at home it seems..

Yes Suzi you're definitely right.. Being here is so helpful to understand what's going through his mind and helps talking to other people on their experiences too..

The sad thing Is though.. On Wednesday when I left him alone he decided to have a bottle of beer and was very low.. This lead to him harming himself 😢😢😢 ..

I feel so guilty like it's all my fault because if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.. If I had stayed it wouldn't have happened.. I feel awful because I left him to sit in self pity and it caused him to do this.. Thankfully they are not that deep or bad and have already started to close up but I can't help but feel dreadful and how I am to blame.. He said tha t work was horrible and he spent the whole day listening to people say crude things about me.. I again apologised and said that it wasn't my intention in the slightest..

When I was a teenager I was bullied very badly and in an abusive relationship so I got depression then and used to self harm.. It brought back all of those awful feelings and memories which sadly I understood more when he talked about them..

I've said that he needs to go back to the doctors after next Saturday if he still feels like this as Saturday (28th April) will be 2 weeks since starting the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg .. He had a telephone assessment for therapy today and they have referred him to another specialist who have to give him another telephone assessment so again that is taking a lot of time..

I just don't know what to say to him when he asks for help and guidance.. He keeps asking me what to do and apart from keeping on with the tablets.. Trying the therapy and trying to be positive and strong I can't suggest anything else..

What else can we try..?? What else can I say..??