I just feel like I want to cry.. In fact it's much more difficult right now to stop myself from crying than it is to actually cry..

When if got quite late last night I messaged him asking if he was okay.. Simply because it was gone 11pm, he had work the next morning, he told me it was only dinner and a couple of drinks and because only 24hours before he told me how he feels so angry and he feels like he will flip his lid at anyone for absolutely anything and he doesn't feel like he can control his aggression.. I genuinely laid in bed worried that he was either angry or having an anxiety attack..

My message simply got ignored.. I then messaged him again for it to be ignored again.. I tried to call him and I got ignored.. I left it for a little bit and messaged again only to be ignored.. I finally phoned him one last time before being ignored again...

At gone 12pm he came home very drunk.. Our dog started barking so i ran downstairs scared only to realise it was because he fumbled about outside the front door.. When he came in he shoved the dog away (who was happily greeting him) with his foot and started to swear at him.. I said hello and was greeted by an angry drunk man who just grunted at me and asked what I was still doing up and started moaning because he couldn't find his vitamins.. I asked why he didn't message me back only for him to tell me that I "shouldn't be checking up on him while he was with his friends" this really upset me and I tried to explain I wasnt trying to check up on him I just wanted to make sure he was okay because of what he was saying the day before..

He started to speak to me in a really nasty way.. Telling me how I shouldn't have messaged him in the first place and how I shouldn't worry about him.. How he told me where he was and I shouldn't bother him.. This was all completely unfair.. He went out at 7pm and I only text him at 11:30 saying "You okay?xxx" so I felt hurt by the fact he was being so nasty about it...

When I told him that he didn't have to ignore me if he had just messaged me back the first time I wouldn't have messaged again or called... He continued to act like he couldn't care less that he had worried me and in fact told me to shut the **** up and go to sleep.. I asked him not to speak to me like that only for him to tell me to just leave him alone so he could go to sleep.. Some further hurtful things were said including how his friend would have ignored me if I messaged him and how itnwas "unimportant" for him to message me back...

I started to cry so I went downstairs and left him to sleep while I sobbed...

This morning he was hungover and started to be nasty again.. I tried to explain that I wasn't checking up on him and how I was simply trying to make sure he was okay because I care.. He told me how I shouldn't bother caring and how he's a lost cause because he's heads so messed up.. He kept going on about how he doesn't think I should care and how much easier it would be if I didn't care.. I said to him that it wasn't fair for him to say these things and how he's not a lost cause just unwell.. He went on to say how he's life is messed up and when I told him that he was happy before and this is only a snapshot again he got angry at me because I say that too much.. He kept saying how he doesn't know if I should care and when I asked him if he loves me and still wants to be with me I said I felt the same and that was all that mattered.. Only to be met again with a shrug of the shoulders..

I said to him (probably wrong of me to say) that it felt like he was trying to push me to end things and how I feel like that's what he wants me to do.. He didn't even say anything to this..

I literally feel so rubbish.. How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..? How can he see me crying and not even feel an ounce of sympathy or care towards me..?

I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.. Perhaps I am just holding on to something that is already gone...