These last few days have been a bit tricky...

As mentioned before he seems to be putting on a brave face.. And when he does there are indications of his former self... Admittedly he had said before how he is doing it on purpose... Yesterday however he seemed "okay" ... However when the conversation came on to a holiday it turned negative.. We weren't talking about anything immediate or planning something but he mentioned his passport and I reminded him that it was running out and he should do it renew it soon as depending on where we go in the year he may need it to be valid for 3 months...

That proceeded on to him saying he thinks I should go on holiday with someone else this year.. When I asked why he said because he would be terrible company and that he didn't want to be miserable abroad.. I tried to reassure him that he wasn't terrible company now and wasn't miserable now and he said he's always miserable.. He began to want to cry but again tried to force it back.. I told him to just let it out and if he wants to cry to just do so.. Things took a turn for the worst when he started to have a panic attack when talking about "not getting better".. His hands started to go numb and he begun having difficulty breathing.. I held him as he sobbed into my chest and arms and tried to reassure him that he was strong enough to get better and that he has my support until the point he tells me he doesn't want me around anymore.. This prompted him to ask why I would think that but I reassured him I meant it in a generic way... He explained how exhausted he was and how fed up he was with not feeling any better with nothing making him happy and constantly feeling like crap...After some time he seemed to calm down and seemed to relax a little bit more..

Today.. I met him from work (I was in the area) with a small gift.. He wasn't too happy about me being so close to his work as he's in construction and fears that his colleagues will make inappropriate comments about me that will make him angry and with how he's feeling now will make him last out...

As the night progressed... He agreed to make me my favourite meal that he cooks.. When I returned from walking the dog however his mood had seemed to shift.. I left him for a few hours before he begun to talk about how he feels crappy again and begun to cry.. He said that he feels he gets to a certain point at night where he feels that the tablets have worn off and he falls back into the "depressed" mood set... I said perhaps it's because he has put on a front all day and when he comes home he feels he can take it off.. He said possibly to that idea...

When these times happen I am really not too sure what to say or do.. I try to reassure him that he's strong and able to beat this.. I ask what I can do to help bit aside from that I don't know what else to do or say... He still says he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants but says that he sometimes feels I smother him (when I kiss his forehead multiple times) but equally likes it when I hug him so doesn't want me to stop..

We've sat there in silence at times because I've asked him if he wants to just be silent for a bit.. To which he has agreed.. But he also wants me to stay near him when I offer to go upstairs..

I guess I am just a bit lost on what I can or should say/do when he's in these "down times" ...