So there have been a couple of ups and downs over the last two days..

Monday he came home late as he went shopping for my birthday.. He posted a picture from a page called "Depressed Feelings" that said "How can you run away from the thoughts in your head" on to Facebook... When he came home I asked him if he is okay and what feelings he was trying to run away from.. He said how he still felt rubbish and he wanted to run away from the thoughts of why he felt like this, why nothing in his life made him feel happy and not even the slightest thing seemed to brighten his spirits.. He then said he didn't want to talk about it anymore and said how he doesn't feel good when he talks about it as it makes him feel worse..

Yesterday was my birthday... He woke me up with some lovely cuddles.. Some kisses and a cup of tea before he set off to work.. He organised a Disney afternoon tea for us (not the type of thing he likes but he knew I would love it) so he had a half day and told me when to be ready for.. He came home a tad late and rushed.. Giving himself a headache as he got worried we would miss the reservation.. Whilst there I could tell he was uncomfortable because he felt it was all a little bit too posh for him.. Nevertheless we had a nice time whilst there and I could see he was trying..

When we went home he wrapped my presents and presented them nicely on the sofa and saying how he was sorry it isn't much.. I hugged him and said its plenty and that I loved them..

I opened his card first which said "Sorry I haven't been myself lately and sorry I haven't made much of an effort this year" I held him and told him that he shouldn't be sorry at all and that I am just happy he was there to spend it with me.. He started to cry and I cuddled him telling him its the thought and effort that counts..

We had to rush off out again as him and my parents had planned dinner round their home with my niece and nephews there too.. That was wonderful.. He wasn't "miserable" or "sad" at all.. He was concerned about people seeing the cuts on his arm so hid it the majority of the time.. He cuddled my nephews and niece and genuinely seemed great like he was really trying.. I noticed whilst we were looking on his phone a slightly inappropriate looking video on his phone and calmly asked what it was about.. He said that it was one of his weird work friends that send him stupid jokey videos.. I know this is something that happened before as he would show me some of them so I didn't probe too much as we were around my parents..

When we went home he made me a cup of tea and we sat together in the front room for a bit.. It was still playing on my mind so I asked him to be honest about the video and asked if there's a particular reason why he was being a bit secretive with his phone.. He reassured me that he was only being secretive because of my birthday and that the video definitely wasn't the bad sort.. He reassured me that he loved me still and I said I still loved him..

I thanked him for a wonderful day and he began to cry saying that he didn't think it was a wonderful day and that he knew he hadn't made much of an effort this year.. He said he still feels rubbish but I asked if he was happy when he saw how thrilled I was with my surprise and around my nephews and he said he was and how he loves getting cuddles off of him.. When I asked if he would like to take him out this weekend he said that it was incredibly hard being out around strangers today.. Again I thanked him for trying so hard and doing so well for me to make my day special.. I said he had been doing very well when he went out for drinks with his paintball team and went to paintball and he said it was because they are people he knows and that know about his depression..

We mentioned sex and said that he felt bad because he knew I would want to but that he didn't want to and how it wasn't right.. Saying it was so much effort.. I explained that it was okay and that I understood and it wouldn't be permanent.. I tried to reassure him and tell him that he was amazing and how I had a wonderful day even though he kept saying he didn't feel like it was himself.. I told him that it was the depression telling him that and he should believe me and not the depression..

After a while we laid down together and he asked me to clean his ears as there was hair from his hair cut and then stroke his hair .. We went to bed and he asked me to carry on as it made him sleepy. We talked about paintball and about me going with him and he said he was concerned that if I go I would be bored I told him I would be there to support him and see him win and that wouldn't make me bored because I enjoy seeing his successes. I said how I felt like he didn't want me to come all of a sudden and he told me he didn't want me to be bored and didn't want me to waste my time I tried to reassure him that it wouldn't be the case and he said okay that's fine..

I would say good all in all right ..?