I feel numb?...*SH, AB and SU Triggers*

[lavenderpurple]

(Continued)

Anyway.
I’ve had depression since I was around 12 years old. (Therapists have given up on me and medication did not work.)
In that time, I’ve self harmed and attempted...Not that anyone notices or gives a monkeys!
Lately - since this incident - I’ve just felt numb.
I’ve lost probably my only friend left besides my boyfriend, and I feel completely alone.
I feel betrayed yet again.
These people aren’t intimidating - just horrible, cruel and spiteful! So I don’t believe for a second she’s scared of them. They aren’t scary people - they get other people to do that for them, whilst they masquerade as ‘such lovely people who can do no wrong’.

My depression is the lowest it’s ever been.
I need to let it out, but I can’t...
I just feel void? Numb? I want to cry my heart out, kick someone’s a*se, scream at these lowlives that they’ve ruined my life...
But I can’t even muster the energy to get out of bed. I’m not sleeping properly, I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, despite my crushing loneliness.
I feel useless, worthless, like I have nothing to live for. Why am I even bothering to get out of bed to even eat or use the bathroom?
I’m tired and drained, emotionally numb, yet mentally distraught and angry.

What is this?
What can I even do?


Thank you if you made it this far, sorry this was so, so long!
I really needed to get it out.

[Paula]

Hi lavender and welcome to DWD. First, I’ve amended the trigger warning you kindly put on your post as you’ve also discussed abuse.

I’m so sorry, hunni, you’ve had a terrible time. When was the last time you spoke to your doctor and when was the last time you had any sort of treatment? Have you received counselling from someone who specialises in sexual abuse? Has anyone mentioned CBT to you?

Sorry for all the questions

[lavenderpurple]

Thank you.
I haven’t spoken to my doctor in probably a year.
Trust me, it’s been so many years that I’ve had these illnesses, and these things going on, that every avenue of help imaginable, I’ve gone down.
All of them have failed, so now I’ve just given up.
Multiple Therapists have given up on me, CBT included. CBT did not work for me anyway.
I guess I’m just not worth helping, and can’t be saved :/
Sad maybe, but I suppose it’s something I have to accept and somehow deal with.