Welcome

Don’t apologise for your ‘ramblings’ sometimes it’s good to get things down on paper as it’s helps you to process what’s going on in your head.

I am not sure I have anything to answer your thoughts or queries but I am sure there are plenty on this forum that will. So I will just say this, small steps, try not to think of the bigger picture but have small steps set up to get you where you want to be.

Be kind to yourself x