To me, this period of my life installed in me a notion that I was alone in dealing with all this. I had no champion. I should have fought my bullies physically, possibly. That would have created outcomes that either would have made those around me realise that I wasn’t going to put up with this abuse, create some kind of self-respect and empowerment and maybe get the attention of teachers and parents, therefore, providing a forum in which I would have been able to truly highlight what was happening to me. Instead, my poor performance at school was put down to being a day-dreamer who had potential and would succeed if only he applied himself more. The onus was on me. I fully agree one has to take responsibility for their choices in life though I have to say that if that individual feels as though they are abandoned and has to deal with the pressures of such a vulnerable time in life when all your future depends on the outcome of the grade you receive in your GCSEs. I managed to scrape 4 Cs and a B but the gap between secondary education and 6th form was massive and by the time I went to 6th form college I had no transferable skill to bring to studies in areas I really wanted to understand. The main one being Sociology as I thought that this area may be a great route to understanding the human condition and therefore an acceptance of it. My experience in the first few weeks had my anxiety levels raised through the roof, not having a voice and the fear of being ridiculed by my classmates and/or the teacher, a fear I doubt had any real basis in reality as I didn’t know them from Adam and quite probably were very intellectual, curious people. Just the people who could have provided the forum I would have enjoyed to discuss in had I had the confidence to do so.

So, I pushed on, ending up with one A’ level grade in music. I got an E! That took me an extra year to achieve and was the only A’ level I completed as I found the environment a comforting and expressive one and the fact that I had been introduced to hash which provided such a seemingly enjoyable place to hide in. I still didn’t address issues and so went on to attempt university which after two years and a break down I quit.

It is only now I have some kind of strength developing, at the age of 43, that I can start to speak my mind but to do so comes from a place of anguish and, if I’m honest, anger. Yep, it seems I am one angry man some call entitled and self-absorbed. Maybe I’m narcissistic in some way as well as being susceptible to co-dependency. What I do know is that what Peterson said above rings so true with me. I relate completely though I am not self-indulgent enough to compare me exactly to the artist he mentions and that I am brilliant in any way. I am one of those who he describes elsewhere as having potential. His truth bombs hurt. From hurt can come learning. This is where I am at. I have no outlet to express any of this without being forceful or having to pay someone to listen any longer. Last year I started my own business soon after my therapist agreed I had reached a stage where we could shake hands; something he wouldn’t do until he was happy my need for more sessions with him was no longer there (though I could always make contact if needed in the future) I need to but can’t afford it so back to the NHS I go with more understanding of my condition and needs and the will to make my case for assistance. It’s what the NHS is there for. I won’t get into my absolute despair with what Politian’s are doing to the service that the people of this country pay for. I will just say my gratitude to Hawkins and JR4NHS for their recent court case against Mr Hunt and leave it at that. This is meant to be divorced from any political discussion.

Like I said at the beginning and you, reader, have probably noticed having read this, I am no academic and this is completely a personal anecdote. My hope is that whoever reads this and has something constructive to say will enter into some kind of discussion from which I, and we, can learn from and through. Trolls are certainly not welcome. Ill-thought comments are equally unwelcome as I don’t have any answers. I fully admit that. So, should you. We are far too complex to be so assured we have definite answers. What we need, as those who suffer from this kind of personality, is a place to speak freely with love and understanding. Not respect as I haven’t earned any. Just the decency to be heard and seen.

That’s all for now.