continued:


I also am a bit like a Jekyll and Hyde character, I can flip at the slightest bit of stress and scream abuse I don't mean at someone, then the next second feel as calm as anything.

For example, I had stepped onto a zebra crossing and a car went across it without stopping. OK that will get most of us angry, but I went from being as calm as anything, to shouting very very loudly (so that most people in a 1/4 mile radius probably heard) "its a zebra crossing you stupid **** idiot your supposed to **** stop" Then by the time I was over the crossing I was as calm as anything again.

And while I don't care if others choose to swear, I try not to (unless I say hit my thumb with a hammer)

The trouble is, I'm a big built man with a very common and rough accent, and while I've never been violent, I do come across as very very threatening and aggressive when I'm like that.

I can control it, but only if I'm permanently concentrating on not loosing it, for example a GP appointment, I will come across as calm mannered and very very friendly and everyone at my GP always s smiles and jokes with me. But me being aware and concentrating for a short period of time, is completely different from me being in the work place where my mind is distracted with my job, and someone saying something that makes me snap.

At the moment I am unable to work due to my depression and other problems, but it's mainly the aspects I've described in this post that's stopping me from working.

I know if a manager was rude to me, without thinking I would be 10 times as rude back, the same if a customer was rude.

Even at home, while I have the loveliest and most understanding wife anyone could wish for, occasionally, if I'm stressed, say I've received a letter from a debt collection agency that I'm in the middle of typing a letter to, she might ask me something nice like "would you liker a coffee"?

And because I'm not concentrating, and because I'm very very stressed and depressed , without thinking I will respond along the lines of "oh for expletives sake" cant you see I'm busy, expletive off" and literally 10 seconds later, I'm appologising to her.

Thankfully we've been together over 30 years and we are best of friends and she knows this isn't really me, hence ignores it (but it cant be nice for her) , but if I can be like this to her when stressed and all she#s done is ask me if I want a coffee, imagine what I can get like if someone I don't know is rude to me.

I worry about myself for two reasons.

1) I want to work, but there's no way on this planet I will hold down a job as I can no longer handle the slightest bit of stress, hence my outbursts will mean I probably wont last a day

2) I will end up putting myself in danger. When I flip, I'm not thinking, it wouldn't matter to me if I was shouting and swearing at say a bunch of 20 people armed with weapons, hence I'm very very likely at some point say this to the wrong people and end up being badly beaten or worse.

I am in financial difficulty which also doesn't help matters.

As for everything else, I don't have suicide thoughts ever, that's not to say that sometimes when another letter drops through the door, I don't sometimes wonder what's the point of living, but that's as far as it goes.

But I do find at least once a week now, I'm having such a bad day that even though I'm supposed to follow a strict diet for health reasons, I end up thinking to myself "I cant work, I have no money, there's simply no point if I cant have some enjoyment" hence I'll go and stuff my face with stuff I shouldn't eat and drink a load of alcohol I shouldn't be drinking on the meds I'm on etc.

I don't worry about things such as nuclear war, or whats happening etc and I also never ever find myself surprised or shocked at something I've seen on the news that the rest of the country etc seems totally upset by, I suppose in some ways while I'm empathetic to peoples plight, I've long learned how low we as humans can act, hence nothing surprises me anymore.

Most times when I read something that say a group of scientists have concluded after a study, or I read about say the shock of the MPs expense scandal I often wonder if I come from the same planet, as I presumed these things were already common knowledge to everyone for years.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, trying to put as much detail in as possible.