Many thanks. This is probably going to be a bit of a ramble, sorry. And I apologise in advance if any of it sounds abrupt.

Reading back over what I posted, I think I’ve probably made what I'm like, seem a lot worse than the reality, I just wanted to get it all down on paper.

Regarding me having thoughts where I want to say something nasty to someone, I don't have those thoughts about everyone I meet, or all the time, it's more if I'm stressed and/or very tired, and someone is talking to me (or necessity means I must talk to someone) that my mind wants to say something abusive to them.
I THINK it's because I don't really want to be in that situation so while I’m remaining polite, my brain is rebelling?

It's the same with things like having to talk to shop staff, when I'm tired and stressed, the last thing I want is any small talk, and my derogatory thoughts are a sort of wall.

With me pre-empting conversations, its more that my mind is constantly buzzing, never ever switching off, and I'm thinking "what if that person xyz..." , hence due to my stress, I get angry about the thought of them doing what I've imagined, hence the "if they say that, I will say this" thoughts.

I suppose I feel that I think completely differently to other people, and often feel that I don't belong. Not in an unwanted way, more I feel we are two different species of humans wired in two completely different ways.

I've been on antidepressants for more years than I can remember.

Originally was on one called something along the lines of Seroxat (I know it was the main ingredient, cant remember the exact name.

My old GP wanted to change to Venlafaxine, and I was on those for many years.
I took two tablets daily, 75mg and 37.5mg

I now also have spinal problems, arthritis in both my lower and upper back (upper back often causing me severe neck headaches lasting hours) but none of the pain killers worked (or those that did anything, made me feel completely out of it).

My GP suggested changing from Venlafaxine to Duloxetine as apart from being an antidepressant, it is also a pain inhibitor.

I started taking it (one 30mg tablet) twice a day about 6 months ago, and to be honest, I feel better on these than the venlafaxine. Hard to explain, in my non depressed times (or not as depressed as usual) I feel much better since changing, although I couldn’t pinpoint why or describe why.

My GP is aware that I feel very Jekyll and Hyde like, but I've not gone into the details with her, mainly because like Dark_Baphomet, the last thing I want to do is be labelled with some sort of schizophrenia, and I don't want to be put on any more meds that mess with my brain.

My GP has suggested I refer myself to wellbeing (www.readytochange.org.uk) but has stressed if I don't feel up to it, I don't have to.

The thing is, it's taken me ages to put all this into writing, I really don’t think I could say it in person or want to talk about it in person to anyone (and I admit my name isn't really Simon).

I had a few experiences with counselling in my youth and I loathed it (am in my 50s), I (possibly arrogantly) feel I know both what they are going to say and what they are going to suggest, and I kind of feel it's all claptrap (apologies to any counsellors reading this, but that is how I feel) and know it wont work with me, just the thought of speaking to one makes me cringe.

I also cant stand any sort of forced group work, I didn't like staff training that involved group work when I was fit and well, the last thing I wasn’t to do now is discuss my depression out loud in a room with other depressed people, I appreciate this may sound a bit hypocritical as I've just joined this forum, but on here, I'm both anonymous and aren't put on the spot with other people staring at me.

As for my health, I seem to get one thing after another, just when one thing seems fixed, along comes something else to throw me backwards.

Had knee problems since my youth, numerous operations on both, then had a Hiatus Hernia that was diagnosed in the late 80s, in the 90s they monitored me over 24 hrs (hand held gadget with thing up my nose) and said it was a bad hernia but they aren't going to operate on someone my age, went on about budgets and said they would rather treat me with medication.

By the time I was 25, I could get through a large tube of deep heat in less than a week on my knees, and a large bottle of Gaviscon for my hiatus hernia in the same amount of time (or less)

There was a photograph in the building I worked at of all the staff that moved from the old building, I was one of them, and the photo was about 18 months old.