Thank you all for the kinds words. So far I have emailed Samaritans and told my best friend that I'm going to seek professional help because of it. Unfortunately neither have responded yet.

As for diazepam being addictive. I am in such a low place that I would rather risk addiction than feel how I feel. Unfortunately I built up such a tolerance for that I'm now taking Xanax which feels a lot stronger, which is probably worse as I am taking it like tic tacks, just to feel numb. To a degree that a family member has already asked if I was on something as my eyes looked weird and I looked unbalanced on my feet.Today I have been in most of the all day. Only coming out to come on here, do some online health tests, and unfortunately research suicide methods which I wish I could say was the first time. On the bright side I now realise that I really need professional help or I'm not going to see 2019.

My biggest problem with seeking help is my self confidence. My biggest fear is being judged, even the slightest thing can eat me alive so admitting to something this big will be the biggest challenge of my life. I spent most of my life living in Glasgow and was forced to put on a tough exterior and was taught showing weakness was unacceptable. Even typing this out has brought me to tears and I feel ashamed that I'm a 23 year old man crying at a computer screen.