Breaking the barrier and seeking help? *SU TRIGGER

[Wulver]

Thank you all for the kinds words. So far I have emailed Samaritans and told my best friend that I'm going to seek professional help because of it. Unfortunately neither have responded yet.

As for diazepam being addictive. I am in such a low place that I would rather risk addiction than feel how I feel. Unfortunately I built up such a tolerance for that I'm now taking Xanax which feels a lot stronger, which is probably worse as I am taking it like tic tacks, just to feel numb. To a degree that a family member has already asked if I was on something as my eyes looked weird and I looked unbalanced on my feet.Today I have been in most of the all day. Only coming out to come on here, do some online health tests, and unfortunately research suicide methods which I wish I could say was the first time. On the bright side I now realise that I really need professional help or I'm not going to see 2019.

My biggest problem with seeking help is my self confidence. My biggest fear is being judged, even the slightest thing can eat me alive so admitting to something this big will be the biggest challenge of my life. I spent most of my life living in Glasgow and was forced to put on a tough exterior and was taught showing weakness was unacceptable. Even typing this out has brought me to tears and I feel ashamed that I'm a 23 year old man crying at a computer screen.

[Paula]

Sweetie, where are you getting Xanax from? It’s dangerous to be popping them like tic tacs, never mind that you will just need more and more to get the same effect. You’re risking causing yourself serious harm.

Perhaps even more importantly, While Xanax is used (under a doctor’s care) for anxiety, there’s an argument that says it causes or increases depression and could also increase suicidal thoughts.

Please, please urgently go to your doctor and tell them what you’ve told is here

[Wulver]

Sweetie, where are you getting Xanax from? It’s dangerous to be popping them like tic tacs, never mind that you will just need more and more to get the same effect. You’re risking causing yourself serious harm.

Perhaps even more importantly, While Xanax is used (under a doctor’s care) for anxiety, there’s an argument that says it causes or increases depression and could also increase suicidal thoughts.

Please, please urgently go to your doctor and tell them what you’ve told is here

I get all of my drugs online via the darkweb. Sadly I am better with computers than I wish I was otherwise I wouldn't have access to any of this stuff, on the upside I think I've lasted this long by numbing those feelings with my drug use. Unfortunately I know nothing about drugs and just search them on google before buying and saw that xanax can help depression by curing anxiety that is associated with it and anxiety is a huge problem for me, so I assumed no anxiety would mean no depression. It's also one of the more reasons why I am nervous about suicide, because the drugs to do it are so easily obtainable by me.

When it comes to seeing the doctor or calling a helpline. I can't explain why but it scares the utter crap out out me. I've known my best friends for over 10 years and I was open with him about my problems until last year and even that was extremely difficult and I'd trust him with my life. Very few things scare me in life but admitting to people about this subject petrifies me.