Originally Posted by
Dark_Baphomet
Hi, my name is Lucy, I'm an arts student at uca canterbury, I also work at Sainsburys and gse group as an accounts assistant. My boyfriend recently left me and my family don't seem to care that much. I moved out of my mother's as she kicked me out to sell the house, moved into my nan's, she is very particular and everything has to be done a certain way and she would move and break my stuff randomly when I wasn't in. Mum said that because my nan is manic I had to move out, I had come off my motorcycle and broke my leg and dislocated my shoulder, so I had to look for flats alone on crutches and a walking boot. My ex has plans of moving to Japan and he is studying English with the OU and working full time at eurotunnel. I told him early on I wanted a kid eventually, not then but so he knew what I wanted, I knew about moving to Japan. He decided a year later he didn't want kids at all and recently decided he wants a vasectomy and for me to get sterilized or never to have sex again and then said actually he didn't love me and never really had it was just limerance. I talked to him about everything as I had no-one else and with him with me I wasn't healed magically but I could get through each day and was often happy. Now I have no-one, I live with my rabbit, my housemate won't pay her share of the bills or pay for her share of the internet bill. It seems everything is on me. I have an assessment this Friday at uni and don't k ow if I'll pass because I can't do any work outside of uni generally speaking. I am never inspired. My ex says I would be happy as I have my own place, got away from controlling family, I'm at uni, I have 2 jobs, I can save, but none of that matters to me because I am alone, and feel that love doesn't exist, happiness doesn't exist, you just get through and buy things like houses and pets and cars and bikes to try and fill the hole, but will never truly be happy. I've gone to my gp, am on meds, see a councillor, talk to friends, talk to the helplines, I have tried every suggestion I could find but everything is just washed out and grey and I'm just getting worse. My friends say even sectioning doesn't help you they just lock you in a room and give you drugs and CBT which doesn't work for me but it's the only thing available. It seems I'm a lost cause. Like a terminal cancer patient, no-one can cure me, I'm just waiting for it to kill me. I struggle to get up every day because my life is my own personal hell, if anyone has seen the first episode of season 4 of black mirror, it's exactly like that. Can anyone help..
I try buying myself nice things and making myself nice food and having lomg showers but I just seem to feel the same regardless. I mean everything is better with tacos but when the tacos are gone I feel the same as I did before, I try to pick myself up and I keep falling back down the rabbit hole, everyone says it will take time but I'm not sure how much more time I can stand, my life seems to have been hell from the age of 7 and if I have a good point it doesn't last and seems like someone is just taunting me with the good times to give me false hope to go on and it feels like being tortured, like there is something in me that wants to hope but I think what I'm hoping for will just be the same, some game played by whoever is controlling my life to make me miserable and feel immense pain, cause if you lose hope the tortury stuff doesn't work because you just accept that it's better to die and then if there is some sadistic god doing this they have no control over you. If there is a god and an afterlife I'll punch him in the face. I do not want to spend eternity with my torturer thankyou
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