General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Angie]

Jaq I get that and it feels impossible to untangle, can you maybe start with the first thing that comes to mind, don't try just the first thing that comes to mind?

[Jaquaia]

That's just it, everything just feels dark, like this huge oily stain. It feels like I have a huge knot in my chest and like I'm almost suffocating on it. I don't know how to make it stop. Everything just feels like a huge issue, I feel like I'm not worthy of anything good.

[Suzi]

but you are worthy of good things, of being treated much better, of being valued, loved and wanted - which you are here...
Let it all out - not even in sentences, just mentally spew out everything that's horrible in your head...

[Paula]

Instinctively, without thinking, what’s the first word/phrase that comes to you?

[Jaquaia]

Loser, pathetic, waste of space, waste of oxygen, people would be better off without me, horrible person, don't deserve to be happy, lazy, fat, disgusting, wish I could sleep and never wake up, deserve how I've been treated... I could probably go on.

[Paula]

Ok, let’s take just one of those ‘people would be better off without me’. Can you justify that thought? Is is true? Do you have evidence to say it’s true?

[Jaquaia]

I'm 34 and my dad is having to support me, I don't do much around the house as I don't have the energy, I have no friends locally I can spend time with because apparently betraying my trust is fine so I can't be worth that much to begin with, I'm tired of constantly making an effort with my brother and sister, I'm jealous and resentful of people getting the thongs they want in life, and I make J's life far more complicated then it needs to be.

All that says to me that I'm not worth it

[Paula]

All of which I can, and will, tell you are not true but later. The one I really want you to realise is not valid is that of making Js life more complicated. When Si and I had been seeing each other for about a month, in secret, our mutual friends found out. We had one friend phone from Denmark, another taking Si out to talk to him, 2 more taking me out for lunch to tell me it was a bad idea. Even Si’s mum told him it wasn’t a great idea. Tbh, if I’d been them I’d have probably done the same - seeing your best friend’s ex wife less than 6 months after they split up is not sensible. But it just felt right and we were falling in love, so we carried on erm carrying on. We were right and over 19 years later we’re still crazy about each other. Love is always complicated and never easy but it is always worth it

[S deleted]

I can only tell you the way I see things and you know I want bull you.

At the age of 37, I found myself leaving my home and moving back in with my Dad cos I had no where else to go. A very similar situation to yours and if Dad was still alive I’d probably still be there. Sometimes in life we need to regroup and having met your parents there is no way they would sit back and see you struggle if they could help. That doesn’t make you a loser. It makes you fortunate to have loving family to support you in difficult times.

As for a lack of local friends, well, you have in innocence, a purity about you (ok stop laughing cos I’m serious here). You see the good in everyone and unfortunately that brings the arse wipes of this world flocking so they can use you for what they want but offer nothing in return. When they get bored they move on. Trust me you don’t need those kind of people in your life. That said though if you want to make friends it helps to get out and meet people. There has to be a local book club or something to get you started?

And finally we get to J. Yeah I know I wasn’t happy about you being with him and I still think you should have waited but it is what it is, and although it’s not the perfect situation you aren’t the one making his life difficult and if that was the case he simply wouldn’t bother with you and putting my initial appreciation aside, I actually think that you are good for him. He needs someone to talk to who understands. Someone to support him and his actions have proven that he is there for you. He seems like a nice guy and I look forward to meeting him properly in the future.

[Jaquaia]

Paula, it feels right with him, I know it's not ideal at the moment but nothing has ever felt as right as being with him does. I am head over heels in love with him, and his words and actions show me every single day that he loves me. I don't know, part of me doesn't think he deserves having to put up with me while I'm like this. I said something similar to him yesterday. He asked me if I would apologise for having a cold, that I'm ill and it isn't my fault that I'm ill so I had no need to apologise whatsoever. And he told me that I was perfect the way I am.

Stella, I often think I'm just gullible and I feel like a burden to my parents. They shouldn't have to be supporting me. I'm 34, reasonably intelligent, I should be out there working. I feel lkke a burden to J too at the moment.