Thank you Suzi & Paula. I'm very glad I decided to transparently open up on this forum, I've never really been able to just divulge the intricacies of how I feel without holding back (due to shame, fear of judgement etc... still difficult even online)

The past few weeks I've wanted to do nothing but sleep, cry and bleed. The sense of worthlessness and despair is overwhelming me. I fantasise about suicide like someone getting excited for an upcoming vacation, how awesome it'll be when they get there and leave the mundanity behind. The love of my family prevents me from ever doing that (again) though, so no such holiday for me. Sometimes I wish, very horribly, that I didn't have such a nice Mum and Dad, caring friends etc so those chains didn't exist. I believe 100% that I wouldn't be here if that were the case.

In the absence of medication, prescribed or otherwise, distraction is probably the only viable thing I could do turn my thoughts away the above. It's difficult to maintain for any decent length of time though like a spinning top that inevitably defaults to motionless.

Honestly - very nearly called a friend who drives a taxi to take me to the hospital but managed to fall asleep for a few hours. I woke up a few minutes ago and feel less inclined to indulge in anything unpleasant. Going to get a glass of milk and try and sleep again until the morning. Another day done :/